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So depressed

(13 Posts)
Lianne77 Thu 12-Jul-07 11:37:37

My 9 year relationship came to an end in January I got on with my life and was fine up until May when I met this lovely man on a night out. After we had kissed he told me he had a girlfriend but being drunk and stupid I carried on. It turned out he was actually getting married (now in 4 weeks), I have been seeing him for 8 weeks and he ended it on the weekend saying he had to go through with his wedding. He had been coming round on his way to work for breakfast with me and my children and he even stayed with me for a weekend a few weeks ago. Even though I knew it would come to an end I cant stop crying. Im so miserable without him especially knowing that he is going to be spending his life with someone else. It all ended on Saturday last week and on Sunday he called me to say he was thinking of going abroad and leaving before his wedding which obvsiously would be no good to me anyway but then Sunday night I get a text saying yes im going through with the wedding its up to me if I want to keep in touch. I am finding it so hard not to text him, all I want is to see him again but I know nothing can ever come of it, i really just want some advice as to how to get over him, i cant remember the last time I felt this low, i am crying all the time, not eating and hardly sleeping. Any advice would be appreciated.

DumbledoresGirl Thu 12-Jul-07 11:42:21

I don't think it would be right of you to have anything more to do with him. I don't hold out much hope for his marriage either, but that shouldn't give you hope. He does not sound like a very solid person if he is going from one woman to another and even thinking of leaving both of you.

The way to get over it? Carry on crying for a few more days - poor you, it is hard to lose someone you love - and then, get back out there and find the real man of your dreams who is not linked to anyone else and who will give you a steady, happy and life-long relationship.

Lianne77 Thu 12-Jul-07 12:08:03

Im am trying not to have anything to do with him, I have deleted his number, ripped up all my phone bills with it on but I know it in my head and the temptation to text is driving me mad! He was my ideal man and all I want is to see him again but I know there really is no point it was so hard being the other woman for just 8 weeks I couldnt go on any longer anyway. I feel like a teenager - im 30 next month! I just want this feeling of longing to go away, I keep hoping he will call but deep down im pretty sure he wont and if he did I dont know what I would do. I cant believe he is going to base his marriage on a complete lie.

DumbledoresGirl Thu 12-Jul-07 12:17:04

Exactly! What sort of man would base his marriage on a lie?

I know it is hard, but keep up your resolve not to contact him. Just concentrate on other things in your life right now. Have you friends you could go out with and have a good time with? Keep focussed on happier things and you will find someone else soon.

DivaSkyChick Thu 12-Jul-07 12:41:08

Jeez his poor fiance! I feel for you but this guy is no one's ideal man. He's a lying, cheating bastard.

macdoodle Thu 12-Jul-07 13:14:33

Ideal man hmm sounds like you deserve each other - gonna be harsh then go away am afraid - so you carried on a relationship with a ma you knew was getting married (??) so IMHO you have got exactly what you deserve

funkimummy Thu 12-Jul-07 13:24:39

Sounds like he was using you as a distraction because he just doesn't want to get married or is having pre-wedding jitters.

Either way, he is definitely not an ideal man.

Take a deep breath and move on. You're lucky to have got out so early on.

TaylorsMummy Thu 12-Jul-07 14:22:47

Lianne,sorry but you are kidding yourself about this bloke.he used you as a last fling,and i think you sold yourself short.after finding out he was with someone you should have ended it there and have to just leave it now cos all your doing is making yourself look silly and desperate.all surprised you let him come round on his way to work for breakfast with your and your kids tbh

Lauriefairycake Thu 12-Jul-07 15:14:26

he is a man who continuously cheated on his fiancee - lied, broke trust.

He is NOT your 'ideal' man (unless your in some submissive/dom parallel universe to me)

You can do better - there's a builders arse hanging out his trousers across the road from me - HE would be better for you

Cry a lot, pick yourself up, get some help with your loneliness/depression.

And take extra care of yourself.

Lianne77 Thu 12-Jul-07 15:17:01

I know I should of ended it, I had no intention of seeing him again after the night I met him. He called me and I should have said no but sadly I didnt, I know it was stupid but he was the first person I have met since splitting up from my partner of 9 years and I guess I just got swept away with it all. I never wanted it to get this far and for us both to get so involved which is why I feel stupid and foolish now. I know he is going to get married and I just need to leave it which is what I have done but I just want the pain to go away, i couldnt help falling for him and its me thats now left to pick up the pieces while he gets on with his happy new life.

mylittlestar Thu 12-Jul-07 15:19:02

His poor fiance

He should have done you both a favour and gone abroad... alone... for a long time!

(TBH I think the abroad thing was a 'line' to make you think that he was seriously considering not going through with the wedding. To make you think your relationship has meant so much to him that he's now so confused... )
And him saying 'it's up to you if you want to keep in touch'?! So he wants your relationship to carry on once he's married?! Arse hole. You're better off without him Learn from your mistakes and even when you're drunk, when someone says they have a girlfriend, walk away.

Sazisi Thu 12-Jul-07 15:24:09

Keep telling yourself: you can do so much better than being someone's bit on the side!

Take your kids out and do something fun with them. Concentrate on them and let them make you happy

catsmother Thu 12-Jul-07 16:38:00

You said "After we had kissed he told me he had a girlfriend but being drunk and stupid I carried on" ......

..... leading me to ask were you drunk and stupid for the next 8 weeks ?

Sorry, but I agree with MacDoodle ... you knew the position he was in (at least he had been honest with you, if not his fiancee) so what you're feeling now is of your own making. I don't understand why you would have carried on after the 1st drunken fling ..... and refuse to believe that you fell in love with him instantly.

Can't you see what a rat he is ? ..... saying "it's up to you" whether or not you "keep in touch" indeed. What he really means is that even once he's newly married, he wouldn't be averse to a shag on the side every so often but by saying "it's up to you" he absolves himself on any responsibility should you end up getting hurt. Wow - he obviously thinks so much of you ... he only sees you as a piece of meat.

I pity the poor woman he's getting married to and TBH, if you know anything about her, I would be seriously tempted to drop her an anonymous note to try and warn her what she's getting into. She may dismiss it as a hoax but at least you would have tried to save her from almost certainly a very unhappy marriage based on a lie (as you say).

For goodness sake, please don't be tempted to get back in touch with him - or respond to any future communication he may attempt. He isn't your ideal man, I don't think a man like this would be anyone's ideal man .... though I suppose the local brothel may get some business out of him on occasion. If you're finding it hard to get over him, then for god's sake, get angry with him - because you're jolly well entitled to be ..... do you enjoy being used ? Then keep telling yourself that you deserve far far better than this - who wants secondhand goods ? - and who wants to have their children getting to know and getting involved with a scumbag like this. Surely that's not the sort of role model you'd wish them to have ? Keep seeing him and your own relationship with your own children will itself become based on a lie, because, presumably, you wouldn't tell them he'd just got married ?

Believe me there are loads of normal decent men out there. I know (from having been a single mum myself, for 9 years) it's not always easy to meet them but it will happen eventually, one way or another. You do not need to sell yourself and your kids short by allowing a scumbag to cheat (if everyone said no to attached people, they'd either have to get over it, or sort out what was making them unhappy in their own relationship).

Concentrate on doing things for you. Again, not always easy with kids and/or lack of funds, but even that old cliche of pampering yourself with nice scented bath, candles, face pack etc does help, and reinforces your own sense of self worth .... meaning you are less likely to settle for any old shite thrown at you. There are loads of other comparatively cheap or free things you can do for yourself - just sometimes we need reminding to actually do them, as it's all too easy to concentrate on the kids and neglect yourself. The more you can keep yourself occupied, the less you will brood about him ...... whatever interests you have, be it a particular TV show, knitting, or rock climbing, there will be several online forums for example, which you can log onto after the kids have gone to bed (IME, prime brooding time) and chat away to your heart's content about something you enjoy.

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