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Cut my losses or hang on in there? Opinions please!

(25 Posts)
Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 21:42:48

Right. Could do with some common-sense advice here I'll try to keep it short!

Have been dating this guy for a few weeks now. I find him interesting and intelligent and attractive and I think he thinks the same about me.

However, our differing lifestyles make it hard for us to actually spend much time together. I have a ds, he is childless, I work shifts and weekends, I live in Surrey, he is in north London. I'm finding it hard to sustain the momentum (!!) as we can only see each other once a week at most, and often just for a few hours. On Saturday, for example, we went to see a film, had a quick drink afterwards and that was it. We now won't get the chance to meet up again until the middle of next week, at the earliest. There is not much chance of this situation changing for a long while, if at all. Plus, whenever we do see each other, I have to do all the travelling, which as a single mother and a student I am finding expensive and time-consuming. It's only Surrey to central/north London but it often means black cabs home late at night etc.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, as I do like him and enjoy spending time with him, but I do feel a bit 'is it worth it?' about it all. It's not as if I'm getting lots of contact from him in between, either! He usually just gets in touch to arrange the next date... Is this how grown-up relationships work, then?!

I know it's very early days but part of me feels I should just cut my losses before I start getting either emotionally involved - or really pissed off

What do you reckon?

lou33 Wed 11-Jul-07 21:48:45

why wont he travel to you, knowing your circumstances?

Mommalove Wed 11-Jul-07 21:49:52

Message withdrawn

collisionfrances Wed 11-Jul-07 21:50:59

why cant he come to Surrey!?

newlifenewname Wed 11-Jul-07 21:52:16

I think it is a bit of 'what grown up relationships are like' - I know I find myself being too busy or exhausted to return calls/make calls when dating since I've had children.

I do think that somehow the burden of travelling and expense needs to be shared somehow but it's difficult to broach this sort of thing in a new relationship. When I have to book a babysitter I just sort of hope my date will pay for drinks or the meal if he hasn't babysitter to pay for himself.

If you are the one with kids then inevitably you are the one travelling, but I'd like to think any date would be tuned in enough to 'me' to realise that this makes seeing him a little more effort.

I'd say stick with it, but be open about the effort and hope that he sees this and at least respects it even if there is nothing that can be done.

Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 21:52:40

I am living with my folks atm, lou. Don't really feel inclined to be introducing the poor chap to my father just yet I'd rather spend time in London, tbh, but it's expensive...

lou33 Wed 11-Jul-07 21:54:32

i am the one with kids and i dont do any travelling

the guys i have dated are v aware of how much easier it is for them to come to me, i dont understand why having kids means you do tehlegwork, surely it's the other way round?

only getting in touch to arrange the next date isnt right either imo, even if you dont see each other much, you should still be keeping in touch

lou33 Wed 11-Jul-07 21:55:35

ah ok that explains that

cant he come down overnight and stay at a hotel?

which bit of surrey are you, i am there too?

43Today Wed 11-Jul-07 21:55:35

It's a tough one isn't it? You have to decide how important frequent contact is for you - how about your past relationships - have you ever had a long distance type thing before? If so, was it satisfying?

If your long-term goal is to find a life companion and maybe even move in together or something of that type, perhaps it would be better to cut your losses now. Do you talk on the phone or text a lot? Or in between meetings do you feel as if you're single still? It also seems a pity that you always have to make the effort to visit him, and presumably you have to organise babysitting too, with the additional expense that entails..

I think you might be wise to have a little break from him, just to think things over. He might realise that he could make more effort and you might start to see more of each other. It's definitely harder to weigh up the pros and cons of a relationship like this once you're seriously involved..

newlifenewname Wed 11-Jul-07 21:57:53

Agree that he should be keeping in touch with you. You get to not answer the phone because you are too tired/bathing kids/whatever and he gets to do (a bit) of the running.

I accept I have to travel until I want my kids to meet the man in question but not all the way to where the guy lives, just to wherever the date is - unless at his house iyswim.

Carmione Wed 11-Jul-07 21:59:39

Hotel Sex could help you make up your mind..................

Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 22:00:50

I think my past relationships have always been quite intense right from the start, which may be part of the reason this feels a bit strange... We do text and speak in between, but not much, and as I say it's usually to make arrangements to see one another again, not just general chit-chat. I don't expect lovey-dovey texts all day long, but....hmmm, I don't know!

I don't want to break it off but I do wonder where exactly it's heading (if anywhere). But who wants to have the 'where are we going with this?' chat after just a few weeks?

CantSleepWontSleep Wed 11-Jul-07 22:04:22

Could you meet somewhere half way between the two of you, instead of you going all the way?

CantSleepWontSleep Wed 11-Jul-07 22:05:19

<Quick hijack, but have just been reminded by this thread - NLNN - was it you with the lamp post story? What happened with that in the end?>

Carmione Wed 11-Jul-07 22:05:51

Snaf, you don't sound too smitten tbh, perhaps you are just not that into him?

NKF Wed 11-Jul-07 22:06:41

Isn't once a week normal for a new relationship? I'm so out of touch with "dating" but how often would you expect to see a new man?

Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 22:08:24

I think I would be more smitten if I actually spent more time with him, iyswim! I certainly haven't fallen head-over-heels, but I do fancy him and I do enjoy his company. It's just very stop-start... frustrating.

Ugh. Why do I always get myself into these things and then end up (kind of) wishing I hadn't?!

newlifenewname Wed 11-Jul-07 22:09:04

Oh gawd!

He emailed me, had had the email sat in in box for 2 weeks and hadn't realised.

Anyway, he wants an affair it seems. I don't. He said "I'd be interested in a discrete meeting".

Shame, but probably for the best. Cheers for asking.

Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 22:10:02

Oh! Is this the advert-on-the-lamppost chap? I remember that thread!

CantSleepWontSleep Wed 11-Jul-07 22:11:06

Oh dear, so he did turn out to be married then? What a shame. Ah well, at least you got it out of your system .

newlifenewname Wed 11-Jul-07 22:11:43

see what I mean though - email in inbox for 2 WEEKS fgs, I'm like you and it feels so stop start with the whole dating thing. I'm really keen but just cannot motivate myself to put in required effort.

lou33 Wed 11-Jul-07 22:12:59

i cant even work up the enthusiasm to go on a second date with anyone, they just all seem like too much effort, so if you have given it a few weeks and are still unsure, i think that says a lot really

Snaf Wed 11-Jul-07 22:19:03

So general consensus is that I need to have A Conversation About 'Us' with him (and then probably dump him!)?

Gawd, I hate doing that

wannaBe Wed 11-Jul-07 22:23:25

ask yourself:

Do you enjoy the time you spend together?
Do you look forward to the next time you'll see him?
If you walk away now will you miss him?
Does it really matter if this isn't going to be your long-term partner - does it have to be going somewhere?

If it's only been a few weeks then it's impossible to know what will happen in the future. Maybe things will progress - maybe they won't. But at the end of the day if you're enjoying what you have at the moment then why stop now? You can end it at any time if he no longer gives you what you want. Maybe re the contact thing - try sending him a romantic text say.. before you go to bed, that you're thinking of him or whatever, that may encourage more communication in between dates.

lou33 Wed 11-Jul-07 22:37:23

not sure if you need a conversation about you two, as that seems like he has a choice lol

i'd just tell him it isnt working for you , in whatever way you think it is best phrased

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