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Am I being a mug?

(24 Posts)
massivebigpantsface Wed 11-Jul-07 19:43:44

my mum thinks so.

I didn't but now she has said that I don't want to be the mug who is getting dumped on.

this is the story:
dh is suffering from depression, is having a rough time at work and has had man flu for the past week.
Things have been hard dealing with this depression and it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do at times feel like I'm carrying him a bit, but as I'm still on mat leave I'm not under pressure in any other areas of my life.
I am feeling the strain too, it has to be said, but surely that is how it is when your partner is ill in this, or any other way for that matter?
dd is nearly 6months and is teething, really having a terrible time at night and not much sleep is being had by anyone.

So anyway, on Tuesday morning dh rang in sick for the rest of the week 'to try and get some rest and get his head together', I agreed that this was a good idea (although he won't get paid) and we also agreed it was agood idea for him to go to stay at his mums house (she is on holiday) for a couple of nights so he could get some decent rest.

He is well aware of the strain I am under looking after dd as well as trying to be his rock and we are very close, keep each other going etc and he tells me he feels guilty that he is making my life so hard.

I thought it was a good idea for him to get away, and as much as I love and miss him, it also gives me a bit of breathing space. Just spoke to my mum and she got a bit funny about it, saying he should't be leaving me to cope with everything, etc etc.

yes, sometimes I just want someone to look after ME, but surely this is just what you do for your dh?

nickytwotimes Wed 11-Jul-07 19:45:55

i don't think you are a mug. if he did it all the time you might be. by giving him a bit of space, it is perhaps more likely he will be able to offer you more support. sorry for your horrid time.

BBBaslalisk Wed 11-Jul-07 19:46:20

well if he is trying to recover then this might be the quickest way. If it was me I would a time limit on it and that will you sane if you know hta it has an end point.

suezee Wed 11-Jul-07 19:46:33

oh dear, i think ur right to pack him off as he may not be much use to you if he stays with u anyway........could do u both good if u have a bit of a break

JemimaPip Wed 11-Jul-07 19:46:45

Sounds like some breathing space is exactly what you need right now. Is your mum nearby? Can she come and look after you? Good luck!

massivebigpantsface Wed 11-Jul-07 19:55:43

my mum lives about 500miles away and I have no close family nearby.
Dh is only going for 2 nights, on Friday I am going to join him and then we are going to visit friends for the weekend.
I think my mum is just concerned that everything is all on my shoulders. I am emotionally stronger than my dh but of course everyone has their limits!
Thankyou for your comments.
Tbh, thank god for mn at the moment!

Awenn Wed 11-Jul-07 20:00:41

Your mum is just looking out for you. She's biased in favour of her dd and can understand that you're a bit vulnerable. None the less YOU understand better what you and your dh need in a way your mum never could.

It sounds like a good idea to me. Take time out from each other for some thinking space and a rest. Spend some special time with just the baby and with any luck you may both come back fresher.

Good luck.

suezee Wed 11-Jul-07 20:01:01

aww hug to u,hope u feel better u must be emotionally drained right now

thomcat Wed 11-Jul-07 20:01:22

It must be really hard for you, really hard and I think you are being wonderfuly supportive. I don't think you are being a mug. not at all. You've said your DH says he feels guilty for making your ife hard so it doesn't sound like he is taking the piss and his staying at his mums sounds as if it was a mutual decision. Nothing to compare but when DD2 was born and in those early sleepless nights and having missed a whole nights sleep while I gave birth I sent DH away to his mums to catch up on sleep. Seemed pointless both of us being shattered and I cope better than him on no sleep and I was brestfeeding so why not. It's about supporting each other, through sickness and health aye. You need to look after yourself and take what help you can get but no reson to not support your DH.

MoosMa Wed 11-Jul-07 20:04:21

My DH was off work with depression last year while DD1 was 11 months old and I was 3 months pg (lots of sickness/tiredness) so I really really feel for you, it's so hard being the strong one isn't it? I don't think you're a mug either, I think you're doing a very sensible thing. As BBBaslalisk said it's good that it has a time limit. Make the most of the time apart so you can both get some space, then enjoy your weekend together, perhaps a semi-holiday will do you both good?

Carmione Wed 11-Jul-07 20:04:44

It's your mums job to think that no one is good enough for you

massivebigpantsface Wed 11-Jul-07 20:04:55

thank you all!
the reassurance I needed! Its hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but I'm sure you are right about my mum being 'a mum' - I'll probably be the same in the years to come!

thomcat Wed 11-Jul-07 20:26:52

Yep, your mum is only doing her job and bless her for it aye

massivebigpantsface Thu 12-Jul-07 17:09:40

oh just spoke to her again! She's acting like dh is doing this on purpose.
she suggested that he shouldn't be taking any time off 'because she didn't when she had 2 lo's to think about'

i reminded her that she did have 3 months off with depression a couple of years ago.

grrr! i thought the one person i could talk to about this was my mum, now i feel like i can't even mention it without having to come to dhs' defence

MoosMa Thu 12-Jul-07 19:20:48

That's what MN's for!!

massivebigpantsface Thu 12-Jul-07 19:26:25

yes, i know

just feel really upset about this. dh and dd and my mum are the most important people in the world to me and I could really do with my mums support on this - not have her acting like he's not good enough - I just spoke to dh and couldn't tell him why I was so down, he'd be so hurt if he knew what my mum had been saying.
god i just feel so alone in this and wish dh could give me the support I need. Thought this time in my life was to be so wonderful, being a new mum and all, having our little family.

MoosMa Fri 13-Jul-07 09:23:40

Oh you poor thing, I know what you mean. Can you talk to your mum about how she's being or will she just not listen? And are you enjoying the space while DH is away?

slinkyjo Fri 13-Jul-07 09:29:08

i dont think your a mug, everyone needs their space and it will probably do you good with him going to his mums for a few days, your be surprised how you will feel when hes gone,

mylittlestar Fri 13-Jul-07 09:39:24

I don't think you're a mug at all. You sound like an amazing strong woman who loves your husband very much.

But I'm afraid I do agree with your mum in some ways. Why does he need to go and stay apart from you for a few days? Wouldn't a couple of nights in the spare room be enough for him to get some good rest?
And more importantly, I don't understand why he would want to be away from you and dd?
I know people with depression, and have seen it's affects first hand - but I have also seen people use the depression as an excuse to not take responsibility for their actions. Even if he is very ill, he is your husband and should try in whatever ways he can to support you too.

At the end of the day though, it's your decision and if you and dh are happy with it that's what matters.

maisemor Fri 13-Jul-07 11:44:34

It sounds to me like you are an extremely strong and wonderful woman/mother/wife, and I think your mother should be very proud of you.

Do you think it would help telling her that she is adding to your problems by saying things like that about your husband (and you). Say that if she wants to help you she can come and stay for a few days, long weekend, when he is away to give you a break.

Or she could offer to invite you up to her place.

What about your husband's parents, can they give you a wee break?

massivebigpantsface Mon 16-Jul-07 11:09:02

thank you all for your messages, it is good to have your support.
Well, we got back from a weekend away at friends last night and it is back to reality with a dull thud today.
Dh has just left to go to the doctors to try and get some 'help' - what this will be I don't know, as he's had counselling and is not keen on the idea of ad's.

It did me good to have a break from him on wed/thurs tbh, I feel a bit bad saying that though. I don't think it did him much good on the other hand, he coudn't sleep for worrying and missing me and dd, and through the day all he did was phone every few hours to chat!
Unfortunately we live in a very small one bedroom flat at the moment so we are very on top of each other as it is, no chance of a rest in the spare room!

I think I will have a chat with my mum about how her comments have made me feel, hopefully she'll see my point. She's coming to stay nearby next week so we'll be able to spend some time together.

My one main worry at the moment is the fact that dh is off work, unpaid, and it is a new job! I was hoping he may have gone back today as I'm so worried about the money, and at worst - his employers not being impressed with his absence and failing his probation! I hat the fact that I have to put money over the helth of dh but with me on mat leave we'd be right in the shit if he was out of work too. I have tried to make this clear to him, and he knows but i think all he can see at the moment is fear and despair - he was shaking like a leaf when he left the house just now. Earlier on I asked him if he was going to wait until he'd been to the gp's befor ringing his boss and he just said "don't talk about it!"

Sorry i'm offloading now but I think I really need this just to let it out

massivebigpantsface Mon 16-Jul-07 11:18:16

MLS - ' have also seen people use the depression as an excuse to not take responsibility for their actions. Even if he is very ill, he is your husband and should try in whatever ways he can to support you too. '

I really understand what you are saying here - It has happened, and I am well aware of what I will and won't stand for, dh has sometimes taken his frustration out on me by snapping at me etc. He'd always say sorry but he couldn't control his emotions etc etc...
It did us the world of good the other week when I'd had enough and wrote (a few pages!)down exactly how he made me feel when he was like that, how I was there to support him but that he would only drive me away if he spoke to me in that way. Anyway, I think this really helped, he read it when Id gone out and it gave him a good chance to 'listen' to me properly.

BandofMuggles Mon 16-Jul-07 11:24:56

Oh no Cath, poor you.

I think it's the same as man flu, anything that's wrong with them, you know. It seems insurmountable when it happens to them and you can't possibly understand. etc
You are very understanding imo. It is hard to be the strong one esp when you have a young baby.
DH was diagnosed with PND after spending 6 mths at home with her while I worked, which I didn't want to . I did it for him to give him time to think about what track he wanted his career to take. I hated it, but you do it fo r them cos you love them.
At least your DH is getting help for the depression and hopefully the therapy will help. Try and get him to try ad's, I know where you're coming from DH would never touch them.

Keep being strong, and talk to your mum. If she can't not say things like that then perhaps don't talk to her about it. We will always be here for you

massivebigpantsface Mon 16-Jul-07 13:32:25

<<<blubs gratefully>>>

thanks bom!

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