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come on then..advice please...conflict between dh & i on coming home times

(44 Posts)
shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 12:18:17

Right,this sems to have alwasy been a problem with dh & I in the last 11 years of being together BUT its been managable and we have had a happy medium.

DH is not a regular going out guy...but does go out lots more than me (my choice..recently had our 2nd and the gilrs don't tend to socialise as often at night..we tend to meet up with lo's etc) It can be anything between 2x a month to x1 every 2 months etc....Nothing regular. Various reasons why.

DH used to come home at around 2/3am,then when we hit a bad patch and before we split 7 years ago dh started taking he p1ss and coming in at 5/6 am with no regard for anyone.
Then around a year or so ago it all started again and it was every few times when he went out, he would roll home at 5/6am and NOW on the last half dozen+ occasions (possibly since ds was born..not sure) its been 5/6am AGAIN.

I have tried to discuss it with him BUT it just turns into an argument and as though im controlling him..Im not BUT I don't feel happy with this socialising till 5/6am and can't see why...?
He hasn't even got a concrete answer and tends to blame it on late licensing etc.

Last night I said, I don't mind if he goes out 2x monthly but as long as he was home around 3am BUT I know he saw this as the green light to call his mates up for a night out every other wkd. Not what I had in mind. I just though if here were occasions that warrented it ie stag do/birthdays or just a get together.

So,my question is:Am I unreasonable in the fact that I disproove of dh coming home so late (personally I don't fel its appropriate. A father of 2 babies,31 years old, surely he woul rather do other things to socialise ie golf etc than spend his time in a pub/club full of underage drinkers..) and how do we come to a solution..?

He tends to go out with around 2/3 seperate groups of friends. People who he works with (self emp so this is usually when staying away), People who he used to work with (note, 2 of these are single and 1 esp kept his "other girlf" from his dw for over a year"...I knew BUT didn't know her well enough iykwim.) and lads he's know for almost 30 years.

Im honestly not happy with the set up and can't see why he does it. I see the solution as us going seperate ways. Clearly he's still lusting after the single life .

bozza Wed 11-Jul-07 12:21:52

I think I would prefer him not to come home at all, rather than rolling in when you are just about to start the day. By that I mean sleep over at a mates, then come home ready to take over with the children, maybe early afternoon. Not sure what else to say really. My DH does the golf rather than the going out. Although him playing every Saturday afternoon is not all that great.

LucyJones Wed 11-Jul-07 12:22:54

I can see that 5am/6am is very late and I assume he doesn't help with the kids the morning after?

But I totally disagree with yuor line 'A father of 2 babies,31 years old, surely he woul rather do other things to socialise ie golf etc than spend his time in a pub/club full of underage drinkers' - don't write all of us 30+ off just yet!! Golf ffs

LucyJones Wed 11-Jul-07 12:23:54

nothign wrong with golf by the way, but why does it have to be instead of the pub?

peanutbear Wed 11-Jul-07 12:24:26

I agree with Bozza stay at a friends and come home when sober DH tired with a hangover noway

I think drinking till that late should be specal occasions

ChristyC Wed 11-Jul-07 12:25:03

I agree with bozza, I would say to him that he is not to come home AT ALL and he will have to stay with a friend for the night. Bloody hell, you have children and he is not single so in my opinion, his 'type' of socialising should change too.

shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 12:36:59

See I told him on friday before he went out on saturday that would rather him stop out than to come home so early/late BUT he wouldn't have it. Said why should he stop out and he wanted to come home.

Thing is he gets in and is sneaky hoping I don't notice he's home ie getting taxi to drop him away from home, sleeping in spare room etc.

At the weekend he went to some type of "rave" full of top dj's etc. Fine by me..ut he's NEVER been into this and did it because the lads he used to work with are...I dropped him off BUT I have no idea if he did go out with them etc. Its all trust BUT im starting to even question this. I suggest me doing the same when I next go out but he replies its out of character for me...WELL it was for him till recently.

BTW Golf is just a susgestion as he always complains he liks it but never has time. I would rarther etc JUST don't see why its the pub etc when I KNOW he wont return till late. Its also not good for his health etc.

shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 13:29:18

forgot to add....the day after dh is usually up with us as a family and this wkd even suggested shopping . Part of me wonders if he's like this to compensate for coming in at such a time...Like if he spent the day in bed then he would feel guilty etc...BUT that said he can't help with changing nappies or ds's medical needs etc. Seems to be there body but not in mind.

I just ask myself why should I have a life where dh comes home at 5/6am. He does what he wants so why shouldn't I and move on.? This way of life makes me resent him and definatly doesn't make me fancy him like I used to. I don't want to be 50 and dh still coming home at any hour.

mylittlestar Wed 11-Jul-07 13:55:25

Is this a trust issue?

I only ask because I wonder if he was coming in at 2am would you feel better about it all?

When my H used to go out with the lads I was fine with it when he came in about 2.30 as I knew it had got to closing time and he's come straight out and jumped in a taxi...
Then he started coming in at 5/6am and even though I knew there were late bars, I had this irrational feeling that I was unhappy with him being out those extra few hours!
Completely irrational of course because he could cheat on me between the hours of 8pm and 2pm just as easily! But it just seemed worse (perhaps thinking he would be more drunk so more likely to make bad decisions, could have gone back to a party or someone's house etc... can't explain why, it just did seem worse.)

Enough rambling I'm just explaining how it was for me... but wondering if rather than expecting him to completely change and give up going out all together, if he would agree to coming in earlier would you be happier with it? Could you say to him you feel that strongly that unless he compromises in some way then you will have to have a serious re-think? Would he listen?

Or have you decided if he doesn't change you no longer want to be part of the relationship?

mylittlestar Wed 11-Jul-07 13:58:29

8pm and 2 am of course

Alternatively could you arrange a night out with the girls and not give him a set time that you'll be back... then roll in at 6am yourself?
Maybe that's not in your nature - but it would be a good way of seeing his reaction to you doing it, and I bet you'd have a great night out in the process!

shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 14:07:32

mls, i trust him totally but suppose like you said, there is something nat the bottom of my mind. I don't have ANY issues ith him going out (obviously as long as it not every week involving the pub..) BUT its the time he comes home. I don't find it acceptable. Yeah maybe when he was 18 and single but ffs he's an adult, married with kids. How would it look if roles were reversed and it was me being the one out till 5am. Surely he would think then that there is a problem..?!

See when I suggested he go out and come home at 2/3am and I would even be happier if it was at times more often as I said below but he interpereted in that I would rather he go out2/4 times a month but come home at 2/3am rather than now and then but arrive at 5/6am.

I just don't see why anyone with these circumstances has to go out at 5/6pm and come home 5/6am. Yet when asked he says "all is ok with us" Does make me start asking myself questions.

I have suggested we continue this way and go to relate as well. Clearly we have different views and need to discuss it with a 3rd party as w are getting nowhere...BUT yes if things are not compromised then as drastic as it sounds I have no choice....I have 2 babies and sooner or later they will begin to notice "daddy coming in so late". Its not as though as this was how it was for him as a lad. He only really witnessed his parents and drink when older. From what I hear his dad didn't go out as dh does unless it was works do's etc. Usually mil attended.

mylittlestar Wed 11-Jul-07 14:14:30

I guess it doesn't matter too much what others think mainly because you recognise that it is something you are not happy with and as such, you need to do something about it. You can't help how you feel and I really think if it's a serious as it sounds he needs to compromise!

Some blokes I know don't get to go out from one month to the next... perhaps if he met some of them he'd realise how lucky he was having a wife who's happy for him to be out until 2/3am a few times a month...

Good idea to get 3rd party help and talk it all through. One way or another you need to find a compromise and understand each other's point of view. It would be very sad to see your marriage end because of this

northstar Wed 11-Jul-07 14:16:30

Coming in after 3am is totally inappropriate for a person in a committed relationship and/or with lo's. I feel I can comment on this because I am in the very same situation, so maybe the rest of my post relates to me rather than you so please don't take it personally.
It is unacceptable end of story. I have told dp I am not comfortable with him going to nightclubs etc without me. Alot of his mates are 10 years younger than him and he is seeing how they live and thinking it is ok for him for some reason. I have got to the point of telling him to choose which life he wants.
Maybe you should go clubbing with him once a month? And he should take you out for dinner once a month too!

shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 14:31:33

THANKS MLS AND NORTHSTAR. (damn caps lock..didn't mean to shut..)

You are right mls in that it is something I feel upset and strongly about and really wouldn't want to split but if pushed and given the option to choose......

I noticed you point about others you know not being able to go out as often etc...when I iscuss this topic with him he comes back with:
well how many other blokes help with the kids like I do
How many other blokes buy gifts for their dp/dw

etc etc etc. As though he's unique and other blokes don't do what he does. I ask him who he using as an example and its his mates..mates who in his words are chav.mates who's dw/dp don't care where they go or till what time..mates who's dw/dp work nights so they never really know what time they arrive home. mates who's lo spend more time with gp and at nursery than they do with their parents. IMO obviously not examples I would use.

YET I know just as many men who are the opposite to dh. Don't go out as often and if they do are home at a good hour.

Its like I should accept how he is for the fact that he helps me with the babies..!! Like they are not his babies as well.?!

Northstar,prior to ds (21 weeks) we did go out as a couple BUT ds was born very ill so we have been in and out of hospital etc. Not anting to leave him atm with gp's. Also don't feel the need to just to curb dh's wild ways.! BUT I agree we need couple time but its not an option atm.

Sorry to hear about your dh as well.Its hard being in a relationship like this..there have even ben times (his friends wedding etc) where we were both invited, dh insisted he didn't want us to go so we didn't...he changed his mind 20 mins before he stormed out.ALONE. Oh and I was 7 months pregnant at the tim and not able to contact gp's to babysit dd. Turns out he told our friends I had decided not to attend .

DaddyJ Wed 11-Jul-07 17:29:56

Are you sure this is just about
him coming home in the morning
instead of at 3am?
Is there a real difference?

Not criticising you but want to understand better.
(still too unsure to offer an opinion..)

shhhh Wed 11-Jul-07 20:00:16

hi daddyj,yes I do think there is a difference..Not just 3 hours!

Imo it just seems that everyone else seems content on coming home at 2/3am except my dh. Even when I have gone out with my mates I find that come 2am I want home.I know this is my choice BUT I really can't understand why dh does it and atm he can't give me answers....
I also feel that with 2 lo's I have responsabilities once I get home. I also woudn't come home the times dh does as I don't find it unfair. AND why would I want to spend so long out of the home...? Things that in turn make me question...Besides my issues with his "home" time is unhappy with us.?
What fun does he get out of coming home when its day light..? Surely he's had enough at the "old" chucking out time of 2am..?

mylittlefreya Wed 11-Jul-07 20:32:57

My dp does this. Never says when he will be home. Often acts like it wasn't his fault, he 'had' to stay that late.

I have told him when he is going out to do a serious amount of drinking, he is to sleep, quietly, in the spare room. And get up when he is ready to be part of the family again. I just write off the night. He has been out a bit less since I said that is how we would be doing things. For me, it's more the alcohol that bothers me - he is so different. I hope you manage to find something that works in your relationship.

jofeb04 Wed 11-Jul-07 20:35:07

Hi Shhh,
I understand where you are coming from (I've had this myself with my dh, but more due to no taxis home etc), but, I'm having a night out next week, and probably wont be home until about 4 or 5. But, this is the first time out for almost three years (well, my first real night out iyswim), and it is with my bestest mate who I hardly see.

I am also awake at a sensable time, and we still use the day as a family day, it is not me being ill.

But, if your not happy, you need to sit your dh down, and have a compromise (sp?). Maybe one night in a bluemoon he can have a late night out, but any other time it is a lot earlier.

northstar Thu 12-Jul-07 10:17:53

There is a huge difference between 3am and 5am imo.
I have done the odd clubbing night with dp when he is always ready for home by 2, so why is he not ready for home when I am not with him?
If I were you I would stick with your gut instinct that this isn't right.

theman Thu 12-Jul-07 14:29:35

i don't really see what is annoying you about this other than the fact you don't think he should be out till 5/6 but 2/3 would be fine, you don't seem to have any reason for this?
i'm presuming your asleep anyway? you also says he gets up and does family stuff the day after,so it's not as though he is coming in so late that he spends the whole next day hungover and lying in bed not talking to anyone.if he is able to get by on such little sleep and he is out anyway what difference does the 2/3 hours make?
i mean if it was a frequecy issue or something then i'd aunderstand your argument.but arguing over two hours where you and the kids are asleep anyway just doesn't make sense to me.

LoveMyGirls Thu 12-Jul-07 14:39:05

Havent had chance to read the whole thread but my advice is to put your foot down, reasons for me would be because hes spending money drinking etc when he could be saving it for a nicer family life, secondly its disruptive and unfair on you and the children and if he is unwilling to put his family first then i would be kicking him out (until he learnt his lesson that i mean it)

We all need a night out now and again but this is far too frequent. My dp goes out once a week to play footie or round to his friends he is home by 11ish (on a weeknight) if we go out at weekends we go together, if we can't go together we either don't go or whoever is closest to friends goes out, eg this weekend i am going out with 2 old school friends, we couldnt get a sitter because its dps birthday next weekend so are saving it for then, i offered not to go, dp insisted i go, he knows i wont spend lots of money or come home really late and that i will help with the children the next day)

madamez Thu 12-Jul-07 14:40:14

FFS! Just because one has DCs one is not obliged to turn into a tedious housebound couch potato. It's not like he's going out every night and never giving you any help. What he chooses to do with his free time is his choice, not yours. You're not his mum and he's not your property. Agree on equal amounts of free time, sure, but allow him to do what he wants, not what you think he ought to do. How would you like it if he insisted you spend your off-duty time knitting or going to church because that's 'appropriate' behaviour for a woman of your age?

muppetgirl Thu 12-Jul-07 14:47:59


From shhhh

'..there have even ben times (his friends wedding etc) where we were both invited, dh insisted he didn't want us to go so we didn't...he changed his mind 20 mins before he stormed out.ALONE. Oh and I was 7 months pregnant at the tim and not able to contact gp's to babysit dd. Turns out he told our friends I had decided not to attend.'

This sounds like someone who doesn't want to go out with you, who tells a few 'porkies' and someone you don't trust.
Sorry to say this to you

theman Thu 12-Jul-07 15:14:11

"if he is unwilling to put his family first then i would be kicking him out"
love this my way or the highway attitude. can't see it coming back to bite you in the ass at you really want to break up a family over 2/3 hours every fortnight when she is asleep anyway?and in the thread i read nowhere about her owning the house outright and not contributing to any bills.why would he leave just because you decide he should?

mytwopenceworth Thu 12-Jul-07 17:08:45

Ok. I can relate to this.

When me and dh first got married, he used to stay out all night. - there were a few things, I didn't trust him and I thought he was off with another woman, I could never prove anything, but I used to get so upset.

He HATED me ringing him up and yelling at him, accusing him of stuff, or even just moaning at him.

I used to say that if he loved me, he wouldn't want to go out. I thought that he was staying out away from me. I felt rejected.

He felt mad that I used to ring him up and bitch at him and that I'd start a row when he got home, so he stayed out later.

We were at loggerheads.

I thought he didn't want to be with me, he thought I was trying to control him.

It took about 3 YEARS!!! of fighting over this before I said look, I really want to tell you how I feel. Please listen to what I have to say.

Then I told him. I didn't tell him he shouldn't stay out, didn't tell him anything about what HE should or shouldn't do.

I told him about ME. I felt unloved, I felt like I didn't matter, I felt rejected. I felt upset when he said he would be home at 9, but didn't come home until 4 because I interprited that as a message that I didn't matter enough to keep a promise to. I felt upset when he turned his phone off so I couldn't call him.

I said I REALLY wasn't trying to control him, I just felt he didn't want to spend time with me and it hurt because I love him. I told him I feel taken for granted and I don't matter to him and I didn't feel respected.

He was AMAZED. He told me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me. He just liked to go and have a drink, chat, be out in the world - hear the news! He did feel, however, that he didn't want to come home because he knew I would yell, so he stayed out 1 to show me I was not his boss, and 2 because home was not a nice place to come back to.

We realised we had wasted 3 years getting angry because we had made assumptions about each others attitudes.

And he started phoning me, letting me know where he was. In return, I stopped getting cross because he was out, because I changed the way I viewed him being out, and what message I thought he was giving me.

Now, if he wants to go out, I wave him off and say have a nice time. I go to bed and see him in the morning.

He almost never goes out!!!!! Says it's different, if he wants to he knows its no problem. If he does go, he keeps phoning me so often I get fed up!

A while back we went through a blip as a couple - I posted on here frequently about what a bastard he was , but he wasn't, not really, we were just stressed over lots of things and not really considering each others feelings. We're over it now.

Ok. the point is, you can't tell someone how to behave, they are only going to get mad. It comes across like you are trying to control them, like they're a child.

Don't ry to lay down the law and don't give him either/or options. Tell him how you feel. Not how he makes you feel - because that is still not really what you need to convey.

When he stays out past 2, why does it upset you? He's still drunk either way, it's not like you can do anything with your evening either way, it is a night out either way, so why do you feel upset?

What is it about an all-nighter that you fear/that hurts you.

Tell him that instead. He needs to understand you better.

I hope that makes sense, I don't know how similar your situation is, but it rang a bell. It might be way off, I don't know. Anyway, I hope things work out well for you, and you find a way forward that you are both happy with.

I really want to put a kisskiss on the bottom of here. Dear god in heaven!

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