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Husband secretly gay

(27 Posts)
Sausagemash Mon 25-Mar-19 06:58:12

Has this happened to anyone?
I've always had doubts, zero interest in sex so it was non existent. Even in the early days it felt he wasn't into it/me.
He's never been one to comment on attractive women on TV or anyone else.
We're splitting up (not just this reason) but I can't can't shake my suspicions

OP’s posts: |
Frenchmontana Mon 25-Mar-19 07:02:38

So you have no proof?

There could be other things instead of being gay. Boarding on A sexual for example. Or low sex drive in general.

Is there anything else that makes you suspect he is gay? How long have you been together?

nrpmum Mon 25-Mar-19 07:08:09

Yes, ex husband. Found emails between him and another man which were explicit including photos by accident eventually. It wasn't the reason we divorced, but the trust was broken there and then.

Sausagemash Mon 25-Mar-19 07:16:02

No proof as such, just a gut feeling but yes him being asexual may also be an option . Years of depression of him not 'knowing himself anymore' makes me think he hasn't realised himself.
Nrpmum Had you any suspicions prior to the photos?

OP’s posts: |
MeowthThatsRight Mon 25-Mar-19 07:21:29

I’m in a similar situation and currently wondering if my dh is gay. We haven’t had sex for nearly 3 years, even when we did he’s always insisted on lights of and eyes screwed shut. It’s always felt as if he’s just gone through the motions. When I look back at the beginning of our relationship I can see now how obvious it was he was chuffed to be in a relationship. It’s clear he took no joy in me specifically, more that I’m just the type of person that his family would’ve always expected him to be with. He proposed to me at a beauty spot on holiday and then when we walked back to the hotel he burst out crying, really sobbing. He was insisting it was because he was so happy but it certainly didn’t feel like it!

He’s always had a fairly weird (and I think very much one sided) obsession with his best friend. He absolutely idolises him and I can’t work out why.

There’s a good chance he’s not gay and I’m just trying to convince myself as he was clearly never particularly interested in me.

nrpmum Mon 25-Mar-19 07:34:36

I had a gut feeling that I ignored. Unfortunately after I found the emails I couldn't stop digging, nearly drove myself demented. What I found also contributed to the end of our marriage. Although it sounds like yours was over before you found out.

Singlenotsingle Mon 25-Mar-19 07:37:39

Have you asked him I feel he's gay?

Singlenotsingle Mon 25-Mar-19 07:38:00

If he's gay?

youknowmedontyou Mon 25-Mar-19 07:41:55

@MeowthThatsRight your post is heartbreaking, why don't you leave?

Sausagemash Mon 25-Mar-19 07:42:29

Asked him ago and he laughed it off and denied it.
Meow I know what you mean about looking for answers to convince yourself it's not you. He's knows I need more than he can give in terms or a relationship. We've struggled for years and my self esteem is nonexistent now

OP’s posts: |
MeowthThatsRight Mon 25-Mar-19 12:49:03

I dont really have a proper reason to leave. When I met dh he was so different from other partners I’ve had that he seemed a real breath of fresh air. And he truly is my best friend. If he is gay I actually wish he would tell me. His whole family is very traditional (we still have to sleep in separate rooms when we stay with IL’s despite being married and having dc’s!) and they would absolutely never speak to him again if they thought he was gay. Even if we divorced I think they’d disown him for a good while.

Sex genuinely isn’t much of an issue for me. With young dc’s I certain don’t miss it. Tbh it would actually make me so much happier if dh actually told me he was gay. I feel so sad for him sometimes.

sausagemash is there any particular aspect of his behaviour that makes you think he’s gay? How do you think you’d feel if he got a boyfriend? Better or worse than if it was a girlfriend?

ForgottenWhyImHere Mon 25-Mar-19 13:31:28

Happened to me. It's shit.

Started out saying he was bisexual, then "probably just gay". For me, it's all been within the last year. There are various Yahoo groups etc where you can find support. They tend to be very USA-based.

And these people in the UK are fantastic:
straightpartnersanonymous.com/

I very rarely come on Mumsnet anymore. Total chance that I saw this.

Will be thinking of you. Good luck!

ForgottenWhyImHere Mon 25-Mar-19 13:33:23

Sorry. Should probably have said that, since it's come out into the open, my marriage has unravelled very fast. We're divorcing, but it's going to take longer than I'd like.

StillMe1 Mon 25-Mar-19 15:47:46

I got divorced many years back. Mostly because he was a lazy bullying piece of cr@p. I do have doubts though. As a PP said he came from a traditional family to whom appearances was all. They tried to push him back into my house but I would not have him.
They tried to hide another relative who was obviously gay but they all pretended not to see it.
They were a joke and he is still a lazy piece of cr@p

user1467480231 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:26:29

My ex came out as a transvestite after 20 years of marriage. I had no idea, but now, thinking back on things, I remember him never flirting with women, looking a bit camp in many photos and once saying how so many gay men find him attractive. He seemed genuinely thrilled !

We had sex about twice a year and it was about as interesting as watching a repeat of Come Dine With Me ;)

Yes, we are divorced.

LaughingCow99 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:30:24

It wasn't the reason we divorced

Jesus. What was the reason you divorced if it wasn't finding out your husband was gay?

ForgottenWhyImHere Mon 25-Mar-19 17:35:58

Poster for Straight Partners Anonymous.

Members of all types - people in mixed-orientation relationships, people who have remained friends with their LGBTQ+ ex, people who are going through the process of discovery.

Really supportive, totally non-judgemental, and members nationwide - so there's bond to be someone near enough to meet for a cuppa and a chat.

Catsinthecupboard Mon 25-Mar-19 18:02:48

Yes. It happened to me. Lived together 4 years. Then he dumped me and married a woman and made her miserable too.

Now on fb she looks beautiful and radiant. She dumped him and remarried an outdoorsy fun loving man. I want to tell her how delighted i am for her. She had him for 20 years.

Me? It took a year of rediscovery and therapy (for selfesteem issues. It's hard being rejected at the most basic level. Most women complain their husbands wanted too much sex. For me it was lonely, confusing and demoralizing.)

But i met the man i married and that was 33 years ago. He is truly the best thing to happen to me. I love him very much and he STILL thinks I am sexy. His compliments still soothe me after those cold, distant, loveless years

Dh would also like very much to punch ex. Bc ex was absolutley horrible to me. Cheating, womanizing. All bc he couldn't own up to his truth.

Get help. There was a wonderful life that was much better for me. But I went to therapy and worked hard to become confident and look for a person who loved me honestly.

I knew dh for 10 mos before dating him. That helped bc I knew him as a friend.

Good luck. I think it's a terrible selfish thing to be used as a beard. You were honest and he wasn't. Think of any curse you want and address it to him for me.

Nobody deserves to be in a dishonest relationship; to give love to someone who, for whatever reason, uses you for their own purposes.

Yes. I am STILL angry. Bc now that i am loved, i realize just how much i was cheated.

Best wishes.

CurtainsOpen Mon 25-Mar-19 21:23:06

Gosh, all of you lot with gay husbands should start a sub-section on here.

ProfessorofPerspective Mon 25-Mar-19 21:47:39

I left my ex-DH for the same reason. He had a very traditional background etc, and really wanted to be straight but it really effects your self esteem in the long run. Discovered a proper sex life when I was 40!

Tachy Mon 25-Mar-19 22:03:17

Not me but my mum left when I was around 14 because she's gay. My dad said he always had a feeling.

Sausagemash Mon 25-Mar-19 22:55:03

I'm surprised how common this is!
It's clear we've all been hit by the low self esteem. Really pleased many if you have moved onto better things, I'm hoping this is me further down the line

OP’s posts: |
nrpmum Tue 26-Mar-19 07:30:40

@LaughingCow99

There were many reasons. Mainly breaching my trust. He not only lied to me about his sexuality, but he also had secret debt he'd accrued during our marriage, was emotionally abusive and controlling, and then finally when I found him on swinging sites and dating sites it was the final straw.

When we divorced he told his family it was because I'd been having affairs 😂 chance would have been a fine thing. He is now living with another woman with my daughter. My only concern is that the other woman will get rid when she finds out, and it'll destroy my daughter.

nrpmum Tue 26-Mar-19 07:31:22

@Sausagemash I have, and you will. Work on yourself first though x

Elmer83 Thu 28-May-20 17:34:58

Sorry I know this is a zombie thread but I’m intrigued how life is now for you @Sausagemash

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