Will we go the distance? Do I even want to?

[Rginsert]

In a long term relationship. Dont live together, no children together and too old for any (I have adult DC still living at home though).

Sometimes things are great; we get on well, he makes me laugh. But others...I don't expect it to be sunshine and rainbows all the time but I'm not sure some aspects of this are what I want and if I'm prepared to put up with it ad infinitum.

We've been through a lot since we've been together, I've stuck with him through a long court case, and serious physical and mental health issues. I stayed because I wanted to BUT part of me thinks a lot of people wouldn't have and whilst I don't expect that should give me some kind of indefinite upper hand I do think he should bloody appreciate it. Because I have made sacrifices as a result and continue to do so.

I dont know where to start really...some of it is minor stuff like he's messy (he never wipes a surface in my kitchen; his flat is rarely tidy), he helps me cook but never does anything else. Like if I say I need to tackle the garden he says that jobs like gardening are not worth his time (he has a v well paid job earning £500 a day). Except I don't earn that much! That's his standard response to most things I mention doing or ask for help with. He will help with certain tasks like fitting a bulb to my car but I have to help him. He never does anything unless I'm helping him with it. Conversely I do loads for him...his laudry when he stays here, I tidy his place when I stay there and wash up, I've also helped him move twice and done all the packing, unpacking and cleaning.

At weekends I want to do house stuff, go for a run etc. He is often tired, has 2-3 hour naps during the day. He says this is because my bed is so uncomfortable he can't sleep in it. My mattress was new 4 years ago. I find it super comfortable so am reluctant to replace it. I feel like I want to be up doing stuff like exercise and housework and he wants to do days out (if I've planned them) or just watch tv.

I have worked hard in the last year on my appearance (want to enter middle age looking my best) and I look better than I have for nearly 20 years. I thought he'd be happy. And he is but I feel like he has to put me in my place. I made a comment to him a few weeks ago about an aspect of our sex life I didn't enjoy. We had some communication issues in the past and agreed since then that we should speak up...so I did. I knew what I said could be viewed as criticism but I felt I had to say it. I did, he said he was hurt. I explained not my intention, discussion moved on. Until today where he basically throws out a verbal hand grenade saying I hate having sex with him (I never said this) and how I'd not discussed it and how he's felt hurt, etc, and then when I say well why have you sat on this for weeks waiting for me to raise it? He says oh I obviously shouldn't have mentioned it and closes down any discussion. Which I find hugely irritating. When we went through a fallow period last year with sex he came out with how we should have a sexless relationship and when I said that wasnt what I wanted he said I obviously did because I hadn't made any effort with our sex life. I was so annoyed by that. Aside from being untrue it's the way he throws this shit into a discussion. Is this normal? My previous relationships have mostly been with men who would do anything for me, so I don't have much to compare this to.

There is good in our relationship but the amount of negativity I feel currently is concerning me. Equally I want to be realistic, I was single for 5 years before I met him and in that time despite actively dating didn't meet anyone suitable. I know of itself that's not a reason to stay together but I'm mindful that men I'm compatible with in any way are few and far between.

[AskEvans]

Im sorry but some of the wording of your post comes across as you have quite a high sense of entitlement...such as that you do things for him (voluntarily i presume) so you are entitled to him doing things in return?? You have criticised his sexual performance in a way that you knew would hurt him yet you are irritated with him for being hurt. Various other things like mattress-gate seems a bit selfish. You say you have done things over the last year so you are looking better than you have for 20 years...what exactly do you want him to do to show he appreciates that? It all sounds a bit high maintenance. You say in most of your previous relationships men have done anything for you and that men you are compatible with are few and far between...i can believe it...i dont know but it all sounds a bit self centred and that you have very high expectations. I would say leave him...i dont think he will ever live up to your standards.

[3ChangingForNow]

If these previous men would have done anything for you why aren't you still with them? Genuinely interested, not a smart comment.

[Boredgiraffes]

Op if he’s working and you aren’t you can’t expect him to be excited at you expecting him to do odd jobs. As for more personal issues if you want this then try encouragement instead of criticism

[Rginsert]

I wouldn't say I have a high sense of entitlement, more that I expect parity in a relationship. He's not forcing me to help him, it's a combination of him asking and me offering, but if I ask then often the response is no, or I have to help with the task too. I'm not irritated with him for being hurt, I said in my OP that my intention wasnt to hurt him by my comment but I felt it was important to speak up about it as it was something I didn't enjoy (and was uncomfortable with). I don't think I should lie back and put up with it. I was sensitive to his feelings in what and how I said it too. What irritated me was that he made no mention of it for weeks after our discussion, then made a snippy comment at the weekend which almost immediately was followed with him closing down the discussion. Thats what I didn't like.

I do work full time as well, I'm not aure where I gave the impression I don't work? My earnings are less than his though. I have a lot of tasks round the house to do, thats the consequence of owning my own home with a large garden. It does mean I need to spend part of every weekend doing housework or house and garden maintenance.

Other relationships (these are 10+ years ago) ended for various reasons...mainly issues of incompatibility/ different goals. One turned physically and emotionally abusive. It does mean I do want to protect myself and ensure that I am in the right relationship now. And whilst I understand there are ups and downs I have concerns that issues now may be magnified once we live together.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think far too many women turn into house elves in the vain hope that they will either be appreciated or it will be reciprocated. Generally the opposite is true. Act like a servant, get treated like one. Stop doing his laundry and cleaning. He has money, he can buy in services.

In bed... there is a difference between having preferences and and not doing things that make you uncomfortable, and criticism. Which was it? Because someone who wants to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do isn't a keeper.

[Rginsert]

I wasn't being critical for the sake of it. I felt genuinely uncomfortable (npt necessarily physically but emotionally) and wasn't enjoying something. I felt I needed to say something. What I wasnt saying was that I don't like sex with him although that is how he has decided to see it.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

I read your posts and the phrase that leaps to mind is “he’s just not that into you”. You mention specific issues in the relationship but it just doesn’t feel as though you and your feelings are a priority for him. None of us can expect to o be a priority all the time but it does seem as though you are described a relationship in which you do not feel as if you ever come first. It also feels as though you are settling; as though you feel that any relationship is better than no relationship. If that’s true, you need to believe that you’re worth more. We teach people how to treat us and, if your self esteem is that low, he can probably tell that he needn’t try that hard to please you.

[fourcanaries]

I think you're wasting your time with him. He sounds like he lacks any commitment. You deserve better.

[Connieston]

A good relationship brings out the best in each person, a bad one brings out the worst. Are you bringing out the best in each other? Does he spark joy?

It sounds like hard work.

[Rginsert]

I'm conscious of not settling, that is why I'm questioning things now, before we live together and make tnings more permanent...do I want to live together if all the household load will be on me?

I dont know if I'd say he lacks commitment. I'm just not sure we want the same things in life.

[bluebell34567]

there seems to be more negativity than positivity.
you deserve better.

[ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth]

Dear God. I'm exhausted reading that. Easily solved in five words....

You're not compatible. Split up.

[lifebegins50]

It really is difficult for us to comment but generally if you are not happy then I think you are better off single. If you make it permanent then it will get worse. He won't turn into a man who enjoys doing your gardening and that is important to you. He lives in a flat so has no garden, isn't bothered about tidying or exercise but you can laugh together. I think you need less time together rather than more time. Why did he never marry or have DC?

I dont like the attitude of "I am too important to do menial tasks" as that often accompanies a nasty streak.

[Rginsert]

In many ways we are compatible certainly in personality terms, in intelligence, similar sense of humour, low tolerance for bullshit, he's more similar to me than anyone I've met. I think the incompatibility is more from how we spend our time/ live day to day. However that is a big thing too.

He was married, now divorced. Has dc but no longer has contact (I am aware of the reasons for this).

[Rat1nthek1tchen24]

You both have your own house, why would he need to do your garden ? Why would you need to clean his house ?

[Rginsert]

He only goes to his flat every 4-6 weeks. At weekends he mainly stays with me (he works away in the week). I have jobs to do at weekends which would be easier shared between 2.

I am not sure how this bodes for us living under one roof in future.

[Rginsert]

The more I think about this the more concerned I am.

[Keener]

But OP, you say you don't live together, whereas in fact you do, in all but the most technical sense, if he only goes to his flat once every month or six weeks. Isn't this part of the problem -- you see it as in part his home, too, and feel he should contribute to household gruntwork, but he doesn't.

I think far too many women turn into house elves in the vain hope that they will either be appreciated or it will be reciprocated. Generally the opposite is true. Act like a servant, get treated like one. Stop doing his laundry and cleaning. He has money, he can buy in services.

I agree entirely with this. You say you've made sacrifices for him, stayed in the relationship when other people wouldn't, and you seem to do an awful lot of work for him -- but you expect gratitude, if not reciprocation, and, whether or not that's reasonable, you don't seem to get either. There seems no reason why this would ever change in future, and frankly, you don't seem all that into him, either. Which makes it all the more baffling the lengths to which you have clearly been prepared to go to hang onto this man, who has no obvious advantages.

[Rginsert]

He's only here a couple of days a week. I feel like once you're in a relationship you're no longer guests in each others homes, and therefore you pitch in and do stuff. Hence when I'm at his I'll tidy up/ put washing up in sink/ rubbish in bin etc. And when he's here I would expect him to pitch in too, especially with (without being too sexist about it) heavy jobs that I might struggle to manage physically. I suppose I am used to men who would say leave that to me and let me go off and do something else rather than either say no, or insist I share the task with them.

I'm not sure how I'd go about conveying that I'm into him? I am insofar as I love him, we get on well but equally I am not skivvying after someone for the next 40 years.