anyone’s marriage destroyed by in-laws?

[namechanged200partyover]

I think mine is. My in-laws are utter c*ts. Too long to detail but essentially always had a fraught relationship with DH. Things came to a head about 4 years ago- long story short they made it all about me...

They haven’t seen me or kids in all that time and haven’t tried to make things better. DH was absolutely appalled by their behaviour jnitally and told them they had burnt bridges but as time has gone on he had struggled. Tried to resolve it many times and had it thrown back in his face. He’s not the best at communicating openly about it but that is essentially it. I have had to deal with his moods and sadness about it - not easy.

Over the past few months however, he has done a bit of a u-turn. Directing anger over the situation towards me in a horrible way - almost blaming me for it too. He will insist the kids need to see them, that they need to visit (I have no idea if they even would want to!) but if I express feeling uncomfortable (as I understandly would!) he becomes very aggressive indeed. Calls me a nasty bitch etc, says he no longer wants to me married to me. It’s like he’s done a u-turn and wants us to develop amnesia so he can feel better....

We have lovely young kids who are picking up on the tension. Don’t know what to do anymore.

[namechanged200partyover]

Posted too soon. I would say other than this issue our marriage is great, but this is very very worrying to me. I know we should go to therapy but he wouldn’t come with me.

[namechanged200partyover]

I guess my question is, has anyone ever experienced similar and how did you get past it? Any thoughts/wisdom much appreciated!

[user9000]

I think there is a still a stigma about not talking to your parents, even if they are awful. There's social pressure to have family time, etc. Maybe he's been feeling that? And transferring the blame to you?
If he won't go to therapy that isn't good either.

I do feel for you --- being called a nasty bitch is awful! I would be heart broken by that.

Maybe go to therapy by yourself just to let some of this out.

[user9000]

A couple I know, the MIL was awful to the wife before the wedding, really vile. But the couple moved to another country. Now everyone gets along great but I think the distance solved the problem. I think the wife is a very strong lady and has her own very supportive family, which helped too. Maybe she let things wash over her.

If the rest of your marriage is good it's worth saving. Maybe you can compromise somehow?

[namechanged200partyover]

Thank you for replies. Yes, it’s definitely partly about how DH wants to ‘appear’ to others - he would love to be able to suggest to friends etc everything was hunkdory with his parents - even though he has said in the past how dreadful he thinks they are!

What worries me most though is that we used to feel like a team. His attitude was very much ‘treat my wife properly or piss off’ - rightly so, I would think. But now it’s changed to him saying to me ‘please pretend my parents are lovely or i’ll attack you’. I don’t get it. Feel so sad.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your partner was raised by horrible people. It should not be a shock that he is one too.

[IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls]

No - we went NC with in laws to protect our marriage.

Best thing we ever did !

[namechanged200partyover]

Aqua - I don’t think DH is a horrible person for the most part. But yes, he is treating me horribly right now and it frightens me.

Ifonly - I am NC with in-laws. Initially DH was too. It was very much a case of ‘accept my wife or fuck off’. Now though, it’s more a case of ‘let’s all forget what you said/did and pretend it didn’t happen.’ I can’t do this, and it’s killing our marriage.

[Boredgiraffes]

Without knowing the reasons behind the tension it’s hard to comment on who is right

[namechanged200partyover]

Bored - DH parents difficult from beginning. His upbringing not abusive but cold. They were tricky around our wedding, births of our children etc - a lot of immature tantrums from Mil particularly that probably stemmed from jealousy and insecurity on her part. This was all annoying, but we managed it...

Then a few years ago there was a row between DH and his brother. I didn’t have any involvement in it but in a very fucked up way that’s too boring to go into, DH’s parents blamed me. Sent me hideous emails, slagged me off to family members, you name it....

It was unacceptable and DH told them as much. But to this day they won’t apologise. DH seems unable to stand up to them and is now pretty much demanding that I forget any of this ever happened.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Any chance he can go by himself to visit his parents and leave you out of it?

[namechanged200partyover]

He could, yes. But I’m not comfortable with him taking the kids without me. Moreover, i’m just not comfortable with him now seeming to accept, and thus condone, their behaviour towards me. Feels like a betrayal.

[Boredgiraffes]

You shouldn’t have to forgive his family for what they said/did, however they are his family and forgiveness to him will be easier. You can choose to try to support him build bridges. Let him see them with kids without you. Or cut ties and allow no contact with the kids. Whichever you know best as you know the situation as we don’t. But making him choose could be the end for you and him. Yes they may mess up again, but he’ll then know whether or not you tried

[namechanged200partyover]

The thing is, I don’t feel like I ever made him ‘choose’. He chose to marry me. He chose to tell his parents they had no right to mistreat me.

But now, a few years down the line, he’s choosing to forgive and forget, sort of without explanation. And when I challenge it he becomes something of a monster. Not sure what to do.

[Ilady]

It a horrible position that your in at the moment. From what you said you in-laws had problems with your DH and then decide to take things out on you a few years ago. No wonder you went NC with them after this.
You or your family don't deserve meaness, general poor behaviour ect from your DH family. If your DH knows what his family are like why is he now expecting you and him to go back playing happy families with them? Why is what happened in the past between them, you and him now all your fault? Does he not realize that when you get married and have a family that they come before his mother, father ect? My feeling is that he heard something about them but does not want to tell you. It easy to blame you for things they did or said in the past but you went no contact due to their behaviour. My feeling is that if he makes contact he will just end up back realising their poor behaviour has not changed. They might need his help/money to sort things because they have fallen out with other family members. Also you don't want to bring your children into contact with them if you know they are bad news for what ever reasons. Its quite possible they will tell you children a pile of lies about you.
My advice is to tell him that you want him and you to go to counseling to help him and your marriage through this.

[Boredgiraffes]

People change and he can also choose to forgive them, they are his only parents. Yes they may mess up again, but he has the right to find that out. You can chose to be with him through this or not. If you deny him the right to have this chance with his parents he will hold it against you sorry

[EmberElftree]

I'm in the same situation namechanged. We are going to couples therapy together to try and stay together because we cannot sort this by ourselves. We need a professional to help. Husband had a cold upbringing definitely emotionally abusive but he is in the FOG and desperately seeks their approval and love still even though he will never get what he wants from them. This all came to a head after the birth of our son as I don't want them to mistreat my son the way they mistreat everyone else. Counselling is the only way you will get through this, one way or the other. Best of luck to you, it is the most upsetting, unsettling situation.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

Situation with your ILs aside, if my dh called me a nasty bitch - seemingly on a regular basis here - he'd be unlikely to be my dh much longer. How dare he speak to you like that?

What's gone on to change his mind? Has he told you this?

I think you need to insist on relationship counselling - and if he won't engage, you sort of have your answer, sadly - and make it clear that his haranguing and verbal abuse of you is unacceptable and has to stop. You need to sort out the issue with him before you can go near that of the ILs.

[namechanged200partyover]

Ember - I am so sorry you are going through this too, our situations sound almost identical. My DH is trapped in the fog and desperately still wants his parents’ love - even though they can never be who he wants them to be. At times I find it hard to be sympathetic when I have to bear the brunt of his anger/pain about this, while he continues to grasp for their affections. How hard was it to get your DH to go to therapy? Mine would be extremely reticent.

Andit - yes I know it’s totally unacceptable. It’s like he changes when the pain of the situation hits him. Not trying to make excuses, but that is what happens...:(

[namechanged200partyover]

Also andit - in answer to your question, nothing has changed apart from in-laws are getting older and developing health issues....I think it’s really become clear to DH that they won’t live forever and he wants to make peace with them. This is fair enough BUT it doesn’t change the past, or mean it’s okay to condone their behaviour. They have also made zero effort to try to build bridges with me.

[namechanged200partyover]

Another thing I have forgotten to add is that DH's sister was really unpleasant to my eldest dd from a previous relationship (my DH is her stepfather and loves her very much - she is a young adult now but our own two kids are younger). When DH raised this with his sister, she said 'but she isn't our family...', which escalated into the row with parents.

[k1233]

Do you still have the emails that his parents sent to you? If so, I'd print them out and give them to him to remind him of just how bad what they said was. It's easy to "forget" and minimise things. Rereading what started it may refresh his memory.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

When my marriage first broke up I would certainly have said his mother was a large part of it , she was beyond vile when I became pregnant with ds1 and comments to do with physical abuse and hints of inappropriate behaviour through comments when I was changing his nappy led me to cut her off from myself and the DC to the extent she did not meet Ds2 when he was born.

However in reality looking back it had nothing to do with her and it was all to do with the fact Exdh threw me under the bus ...every...single...time.

The only chance I had was to be the head bitch in charge and lay down rules. This of course affected my view of the marriage

I will never forget the absolute realisation when he let her berate me when I was in hospital recovering from my c section with ds1 and then loudly tell me I was selfish for not letting Exdh ferry her around the day I gave birth....i looked over at Exdh and realised how unbelievably weak he was . He avoided my eyes and pretended to look he other way and "hadn't heard".

In that moment I lost any trust in him any belief that DC and I came first.

It was the beginning of the end. I don't regret the time it took or I wouldn't have ds2 but by God it was hard.

So ultimately that day it wasn't ex mil being vile at all...it was the fact my Exdh let it happen and was so spineless that he did nothing...i could barely look at him afterwards .

There's a list of other stuff but honestly it wasn't her..it was entirely him ...which I have clearly told him.

He realises now that he lost his family for being so spineless and weak that I lost all respect and love and it killed our relationship and turned it into something g toxic....sadly he gets it now but it is far far too late.

[Whoops75]

In your situation I would step back and let dh have whatever relationship he wants and let him take the kids to see them for short visits. Your dh is suffering, you can ease that by stepping aside.

You have a right to respect from your dh and he would have to agree not to speak badly of you or to you again.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If these people are too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to be around, its the same deal for your kids as well. These people were not good parents to your now H when he was growing up and they have not changed either towards he or you. Children need healthy role models as grandparents and clearly his parents do not fit the bill.

If he wants a relationship with them that is up to him but it does not automatically follow that you and your kids have to do so as well.

I wonder if they have threatened him with disinheritance from the will or some other form of emotional manipulation/threat you are as yet unaware of.

Who is his primary loyalty to now?.

It sounds also like his inertia is really now also hurting him as well as his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to them. He could well lose you, his own family unit and one that he also chose to create, over his parents. He could really do with seeking some therapy here because he is also destroying himself here. He cannot take you people down with him though.