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Found out my husband of 18 years has been having a 3 year affair

(36 Posts)
bohochick Sun 24-Mar-19 16:17:45

Married for 18 years, two children aged 10 and 14. Had suspicions since last year but he denied. Found texts which he claims he deliberately left. Work colleague affair for 3 years, told him to leave last month as soon as I found out and he has been living with her ever since. I have seen a solicitor and divorce has started.
Still miss him and want him back but he is 'happy' with her. Sees 10 year old regularly, 14 year old refuses to speak to him. Family live 200 miles away but have visited and given support. No close friends since I moved 200 miles for him to start his business. Seeing therapist and GP.
How do I even get over this? He was my best friend and I cannot accept what has happened. It has been 6 weeks since I found out. Lost a stone in weight, can't eat or sleep. Looking after the kids and working.

Sunshineandflipflops Mon 25-Mar-19 07:51:29

I don’t think he wanted one woman over the other. He wanted them both. Each woman provided him with different things.

I definitely agree with this. Sadly, life doesn’t work this way and adults have to make choices.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 25-Mar-19 13:56:14

Oh and the whole "planning to stay until youngest is 18" is the oldest line in the book. He will have sold that to the OW in order to keep her hooked, he never had any intention of leaving. Once youngest hit 18 it would have been "I just need to wait until they are settled at Uni" or "DW isnt struggling with her health/work/family/whatever at the moment, I really cant leave until she can cope on her own...." Excuse after excuse after excuse.

He is a lying coward who wanted it all ways and is trying to save face now he has been kicked out. I would bet you a months mortgage money that he told her that he left you out of choice, she will have no idea what really happened.

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:09:05

I would bet you a months mortgage money that he told her that he left you out of choice, she will have no idea what really happened

I agree. I think both women are victims in this situation. She will have been spun lots of lines/lies too.

SandyY2K Mon 25-Mar-19 14:16:35

It's better you found out now than in 8 years time, like he planned. You won't be in a place to think about it now, but those 8 years make a difference in moving on where a new relationship is concerned.

3 years of deception. Shocking. Do his family know? Have you told anyone IRL about it?

Personal therapy is helpful to talk through your feelings and process everything.

Remember that you deserve better than this and whilst you love him... he doesn't feel the same and was living a double life for 3 years.

Get a good lawyer and they'll fight for the best settlement.

The best revenge is living a good life.

bohochick Mon 25-Mar-19 15:28:41

She knows as the night I found out, I grabbed his mobile and called her saying she had ruined my children's life and he then drove off to her and has been there ever since. 5 weeks tomorrow. He keeps saying he will get a flat to have the children over but nothing yet. He is v happy with her.
His family know and are shocked and are trying to accept that the marriage is over.
It hurts me so much that he is now happy whilst leaving me and the children know much pain.

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 15:46:09

The children will get over it. Of course they are sad and shocked now. My children were under 10 when my ex left. There was about 6 months of disturbance but they settled down after that. They are happy now. The most important thing for them is that their father stays involved in their lives.

Halo84 Mon 25-Mar-19 19:56:17

I disagree that the OW is in any way a victim. She knowingly decided to f**k another woman’s husband.

TheStuffedPenguin Mon 25-Mar-19 23:59:49

OP you are one month in . Contrary to others I would say do not make any big moves or changes . Give yourself time and it WILL take a while . If it helps set a deadline eg I will give it 2 years or whatever and see how it goes - then re evaluate . You are at the beginning of a very difficult road but you will get there in the end . Of course you still want him back (it's so early) but you do deserve better than this cheating liar . It may not seem like it just now but it will.

Ferfeckssake Tue 26-Mar-19 01:19:04

The OW is getting no prize. What she has is a man that she knows some vital points about .
That he is a LIAR and a CHEAT. Nothing he and she think changes that fact.
Not a fucking great start for ,something
is it ? And she will have doubts every time he does any familiar behaviour.

Meanwhile, you will have the respect and love of your DCs always. And hopefully that can help you to deal with the future.flowers to you .

NotTheFordType Tue 26-Mar-19 03:04:22

Dont know why anyone is talking about the OW. Shes not even on the thread.

OP I'm sorry, that must be horribly hurtful. How is everything going at work/school?

sam221 Tue 26-Mar-19 03:27:13

The best 'revenge' for people like them is showing that you and children are better off. Like others have suggested, do stuff when you can for yourself.
Your children are old enough to talk about some aspects of the divorce, children often feel left out-information wise, which then leads to undue uncertainty.
Lean on friends and family, invite them over-open a bottle of wine and take a moment-grieve for the life future you have lost.
You will conquer this situation, it may take time but you know life will get better.
Sending hugs.

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