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Found out my husband of 18 years has been having a 3 year affair

(36 Posts)
bohochick Sun 24-Mar-19 16:17:45

Married for 18 years, two children aged 10 and 14. Had suspicions since last year but he denied. Found texts which he claims he deliberately left. Work colleague affair for 3 years, told him to leave last month as soon as I found out and he has been living with her ever since. I have seen a solicitor and divorce has started.
Still miss him and want him back but he is 'happy' with her. Sees 10 year old regularly, 14 year old refuses to speak to him. Family live 200 miles away but have visited and given support. No close friends since I moved 200 miles for him to start his business. Seeing therapist and GP.
How do I even get over this? He was my best friend and I cannot accept what has happened. It has been 6 weeks since I found out. Lost a stone in weight, can't eat or sleep. Looking after the kids and working.

Thehop Sun 24-Mar-19 16:21:46

Oh god I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth you know he’s a twat and you don’t really want him back, but it’s a huge loss and you’re bound to miss him.

Be kind to yourself as much as you can. Can you love back to where you have family support?

Keep seeing your counsellor, keep going. You’ve been really strong and you’re doing brilliantly x

Halo84 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:23:54

I’m sorry.

Can you move back to where you have support?

Double0FeckingBollocks Sun 24-Mar-19 16:24:30

You're having a horrible horrible time but I promise you there is life on the other side. It will take time and you'll go through a grieving process. You need to start doing a few small things for yourself. Even trivial things like a new haircut. Redecorate your bedroom. Move stuff about so your house looks different. Little by little, step by step you will get through it. One day you will wake up and realise you are on the other side and life is so, so much better without a lying cheating waste of space.thanks

ivykaty44 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:26:54

Have you thought about return to be near your family? Friends and family are really important. But don’t breath a word of it until speaking to your own solicitor...

Pantsomime Sun 24-Mar-19 16:28:07

OP this is awful but not your fault- he’s used to living this lie for 3 years- you’ve just had it all dumped on you & the shock & adrenaline has probably just worn off & you now have space to reflect & it’s truly awful. You will miss him but in time will be thankful that you found out what an untrustworthy man he is. He has to make it look happy, it may well not be. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you and if you can treat yourself. Small steps x

bohochick Sun 24-Mar-19 16:29:56

Son starts GCSE studies in Sept 2019 so can't move back for at least 2 years. Too late to enrol in a new school and no guarantee can sell house so quick. Finacial settlement could take months.The thought of seeing him and knowing he is with her breaks my heart.

madeyemoodysmum Sun 24-Mar-19 16:34:56

Awkward age as ideally you should move before the youngest starts secondary but that will disrupt your older child.

If you decide to stay put then be kind to yourself but put your needs first and kids obv.

Start some clubs Meet new people join a gym. Whatever floats your boat.
Get a new image. Look amazing. Smile a lot be friendly and people will respond.

Good luck.

MyFavouriteDress1 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:49:38

Goodness me. That is awful. It is bad enough to have an affair but for 3 years behind your back? I don't know how people can be deceptive for so long. Presumably, he would have kept up the deception if you hadn't found out. Good riddance to him. He is not what you need. I hope you find someone more suitable. You will get through this eventually and maybe, just maybe, you will be glad you all moved on with your lives.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 24-Mar-19 17:08:21

Think afresh about moving.

You say that your older one isn't seeing him - presumably he is pretty traumatised. if so, don't discount the idea of simply moving and taking some time out, and your eldest starting GCSEs next year - in the big scheme of things it's not the end of the world (and you might find that even after a couple of months out, he'd quickly catch up especially if it was a fresh start.

What would the older one think of moving - would he be eg moving back to friends he only left 18 months ago, or was the original move say 6 years ago? Could you move back to old school and old area and do you think that in the long run the benefits would outweigh some disruption - you with more support, children nearer wider family?

Don't rule it out without even thinking this through 'because GCSEs'. This is the long game.

bohochick Sun 24-Mar-19 17:11:45

He owns a business and she is his employee. Her flat is nearby and they would go there during the day and weekday evenings. He would go to exhibitions once or twice a year and take her with him for 2 days. He would Skype me and the kids whilst she waited in the hotel lobby.
His plan was to wait until the youngest was 18 in the hope that this OW would either wait or go. He was scared to break up as she would leave the job and he relied upon her to run the business!

Joy69 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:29:54

I really feel for you. It's an unimaginable shock when you find out something like this, but you will be ok. I was in the same position as you 3 years ago, & my ex had an affair for 3 years too (seems to be a pattern). I didn't have a clue until the last few months. Now I have my own house, an active (when I don't have the kids) social life & am always trying new things. I'm not saying it's easy all the time, but start to look at the little things that are better for you since he's gone. Mine was being able to drink tea in bed with books & magazines spread across his side of the bed. I pretty much please myself & have met a lovely man, which was totally unexpected.
Take your time to heal, write your feelings down & anything that annoyed you about your ex. It's therapeutic. If you think you can't do something try it. I didn't think I'd get a mortgage & I have.
Good luck with everything & remember you're a lovely, strong independent women who csn achieve whatever you want x

lifebegins50 Sun 24-Mar-19 18:43:13

Dont discount a move as support can be vital. Would housing be more affordable back home?

It feels like an enormous task but it will get sorted and the children's view would be taken into account.

Overseasmom100 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:00:53

OP Im so sorry this has happened to you. Deceit is so terribably hurtful. But it is very early days and your emotions are still very raw. They WILL in time change but at the moment you are sort of grieving. Yes I can imagine if he were to walk through the door now and beg to come back you would take him back.

You are in the right place here and you will get some great advice from the regulars.

ConfCall Sun 24-Mar-19 19:13:12

Don't discount a move. Your DC1 may be up for it, you never know. Do your children remember your home town? Have they got cousins or old friends they're close to? Could you afford a small house near your parents?

If you stay put, it's essential that you get out and about. Not easy! But when DC2 is with your ex you have some freedom because DC1 no longer needs childcare. Is there anyone at your workplace who'd be up for a drink? Any of the DCs' mums seem approachable? Look into evening classes and volunteering too.

None of this is straightforward but you will emerge through it.

AceOfSpades123 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:24:45

When you’ve recovered from the shock, check out the app called Meetup. It’s not a dating app but a website for all sorts of social groups in your local area eg running groups, book groups etc. It’s a good way to get out there and start making new friends. I wish you luck and we are all behind you. What a lying pig of a man and any woman who messes around with somebody else’s husband for that many years has something seriously wrong with her. It’s just disgusting. I hope karma bites them both.

ahtellthee Sun 24-Mar-19 19:31:09

Oh hugs. I'm so sorry. Can you go back with your parents and concentrate on DC's schooling in an area where you have supports and leave him to sort the finances/house ?? Your mental health needs to be a priority x

mineofuselessinformation Sun 24-Mar-19 19:33:01

I'd move. (I've been in your position.)
As for how you feel, I suspect you're grieving the man you believed he was.
Personally, I found it very helpful when I could find some anger towards how xh had treated me and dc.

bohochick Sun 24-Mar-19 19:36:54

Lived here a long time children were both born here. When I move back home to my family, the price of property there is so expensive and who knows what I will get from the divorce.
I was planning a lifetime together whilst they were planning their life together!
Thank you for your supportive comments.

MyFavouriteDress1 Sun 24-Mar-19 20:21:55

That’s the problem with deception. The excuse of staying for the kids is so wrong when the guy is selling you the lie of a lifetime. I haven’t got a problem with people having affairs and coming clean soon after they start because life just ain’t simple. I do have an issue with long term deception. I’m sorry he has done this to you. When my husband pissed off with someone else, I nearly moved back near to my family. However, in the end it became obvious that moving and changing schools etc would add further trauma to my kids so we stayed put. It’s worked out ok.

SweetRosie92 Mon 25-Mar-19 01:03:22

So you say he was your best friend but it sounds like you are romanticising him a bit, perfectly understandable but he wasn't your best friend for at least three years and likely longer than that. He lied to you every day many times and once you got suspicious let you live with confusion, uncertainty and doubt. You might have been his best friend but he was not yours.

I am angry on your behalf, I've been married 18 years too. I do understand how much it hurts when the man you love turns into a stranger. Let yourself grieve your relationship, no huge decisions, please be gentle with yourself and the children and do not ask him back again, you deserve so much better and this will get better with time flowers

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 25-Mar-19 01:16:31

They werent planning anything together. Do you really think he would have left to go to her if you hadnt kicked him out? She got him by default beause you dont want him, he knows that even if she doesnt.

If he wanted her over you he would have left 3 years ago minus 2 months. But he didnt. He wanted his happy home life with you and the kids and have a bit on the side with her. He is only living with her because its free rather than having to spring for a hotel.

You are understandably devastated but I promise you that in time the OP in this thread will be you too

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 07:19:00

Yes, he wanted the best of both worlds. Sadly, this means he lacked respect for both women. What a weak man.

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 07:21:09

I don’t think he wanted one woman over the other. He wanted them both. Each woman provided him with different things.

Sunshineandflipflops Mon 25-Mar-19 07:49:46

I’m sorry to read yet another of these posts. This was also me just over a year ago. The affair hasn’t been going on 3 years but long enough. I had also been sold a lie and all the time I was making plans for us as a family, they were making plans together.
It hurts like hell and still does when I think of them together but like a pp said, she got him because I kicked him out. Whether he’s have left me for her i’ll never know but what I do know is that he’ll do the same to her, one day. By which time i’ll have moved on with my life. You will do the’s just so hard to see the light the fog at the moment.
I got myself some counselling which really helped as I wanted what the kids irresponsible dad had done to affect them
As little as possible so I needed to be the grown up for both of us.
Friends were a great help, as were family and slowly but surely I picked myself back up and I’m still here x

Sunshineandflipflops Mon 25-Mar-19 07:51:29

I don’t think he wanted one woman over the other. He wanted them both. Each woman provided him with different things.

I definitely agree with this. Sadly, life doesn’t work this way and adults have to make choices.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 25-Mar-19 13:56:14

Oh and the whole "planning to stay until youngest is 18" is the oldest line in the book. He will have sold that to the OW in order to keep her hooked, he never had any intention of leaving. Once youngest hit 18 it would have been "I just need to wait until they are settled at Uni" or "DW isnt struggling with her health/work/family/whatever at the moment, I really cant leave until she can cope on her own...." Excuse after excuse after excuse.

He is a lying coward who wanted it all ways and is trying to save face now he has been kicked out. I would bet you a months mortgage money that he told her that he left you out of choice, she will have no idea what really happened.

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:09:05

I would bet you a months mortgage money that he told her that he left you out of choice, she will have no idea what really happened

I agree. I think both women are victims in this situation. She will have been spun lots of lines/lies too.

SandyY2K Mon 25-Mar-19 14:16:35

It's better you found out now than in 8 years time, like he planned. You won't be in a place to think about it now, but those 8 years make a difference in moving on where a new relationship is concerned.

3 years of deception. Shocking. Do his family know? Have you told anyone IRL about it?

Personal therapy is helpful to talk through your feelings and process everything.

Remember that you deserve better than this and whilst you love him... he doesn't feel the same and was living a double life for 3 years.

Get a good lawyer and they'll fight for the best settlement.

The best revenge is living a good life.

bohochick Mon 25-Mar-19 15:28:41

She knows as the night I found out, I grabbed his mobile and called her saying she had ruined my children's life and he then drove off to her and has been there ever since. 5 weeks tomorrow. He keeps saying he will get a flat to have the children over but nothing yet. He is v happy with her.
His family know and are shocked and are trying to accept that the marriage is over.
It hurts me so much that he is now happy whilst leaving me and the children know much pain.

MyFavouriteDress1 Mon 25-Mar-19 15:46:09

The children will get over it. Of course they are sad and shocked now. My children were under 10 when my ex left. There was about 6 months of disturbance but they settled down after that. They are happy now. The most important thing for them is that their father stays involved in their lives.

Halo84 Mon 25-Mar-19 19:56:17

I disagree that the OW is in any way a victim. She knowingly decided to f**k another woman’s husband.

TheStuffedPenguin Mon 25-Mar-19 23:59:49

OP you are one month in . Contrary to others I would say do not make any big moves or changes . Give yourself time and it WILL take a while . If it helps set a deadline eg I will give it 2 years or whatever and see how it goes - then re evaluate . You are at the beginning of a very difficult road but you will get there in the end . Of course you still want him back (it's so early) but you do deserve better than this cheating liar . It may not seem like it just now but it will.

Ferfeckssake Tue 26-Mar-19 01:19:04

The OW is getting no prize. What she has is a man that she knows some vital points about .
That he is a LIAR and a CHEAT. Nothing he and she think changes that fact.
Not a fucking great start for ,something
is it ? And she will have doubts every time he does any familiar behaviour.

Meanwhile, you will have the respect and love of your DCs always. And hopefully that can help you to deal with the to you .

NotTheFordType Tue 26-Mar-19 03:04:22

Dont know why anyone is talking about the OW. Shes not even on the thread.

OP I'm sorry, that must be horribly hurtful. How is everything going at work/school?

sam221 Tue 26-Mar-19 03:27:13

The best 'revenge' for people like them is showing that you and children are better off. Like others have suggested, do stuff when you can for yourself.
Your children are old enough to talk about some aspects of the divorce, children often feel left out-information wise, which then leads to undue uncertainty.
Lean on friends and family, invite them over-open a bottle of wine and take a moment-grieve for the life future you have lost.
You will conquer this situation, it may take time but you know life will get better.
Sending hugs.

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