Hi, I'm a 28 year old woman who's been in a relationship for 5 years. Yesterday I broke up with my partner and I feel numb and just need some advice on if I made the right decision and maybe advice on what my future might look like without him.
The first three years of our relationship were great, we have very different personalities but we got along and we were in love.
We bought a house two years ago and that's were it all started going wrong, he started drinking more and the first big incident happened at my cousins wedding. He got so drunk he became belligerent towards my family and then threw up in the taxi on the way home all over my parents and cousins and the taxi driver through us out. He was mortified the following day and promised he would change. He was so remorseful I believed him and I said he needed to stop drinking and try harder, he promised he would and thus the cycle started, over the following months the below incidents happened:
He got so drunk on a night out he called me saying he was at a bus stop but didn't know where, my mum and me drive around the city at 2am and eventually found him passed out at a bus stop.
We went on a holiday with my family (which my parents paid for) he got so drunk he threw up all over the apartment and whilst he was passed out me and my family had to clean it up in time for an inspection by the owners.
We went out with his family and he got so drunk he became angry with me when I asked him to come home with me that he threw the house keys at me and told me to get lost and I walked home alone.
Finally he went out and promised me that he wouldn't drink on a works night out, he got rang me at 11pm drunk and said he wouldn't be coming home. I then found out the following morning he had been arrested for drunk and disorderly.
Then a couple of months ago I found his credit card statement showing he had spent £700 on gaming over 6 months (all the while we were struggling financially)
Last weekend I found out he'd been spending money on gaming again and I threw him out.
After every incident he has not really apologised and after a couple of days he gets annoyed at me for keeping an eye on his drinking, he says I'm controlling and manipulative and that he's a grown man who can decide what he drinks. I have never had a problem with people drinking before this relationship but I am now filled with anxiety and dread when it comes to drink. After each event I have had to put us back together with little or no effort on his part. I made it so easy for him to be forgiven and to try again to fix the relationship. But last weekend when I found out he had been spending money we didn't have on gaming (which he spends most days doing at least 4-5 hours everyday) I flipped but once again I forgave him because I love him then he told me he was going to go out the following Saturday with his family to watch a match and play pool. I said to him this once I'm asking you not to drink after the weekend we've just had I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of him drinking, he refused.
I love him and I know he loves me and I honestly think he's a decent person who the majority of the time takes care of me and he is so easy to live with but over time I'm feeling more alone in the relationship than ever and I feel like all I do is nag and worry about what the next incident will be, I'm not perfect either, I can be lazy around the house and I can can sometimes lose my temper but I feel trapped in an endless cycle of how personalities clashing.
What hurts the most is that after everything he's done it was always me that had to fix us and it seemed really easy for him to walk away when I said it was over and I think that's what hurts me the most. I kept delaying our wedding because the thought of having him around my family and friends with drink terrified me.
Even though I've ended it I keep questioning if I've made the right decision I do love him and I'm so sad I can hardly breath I feel like I miss him every second of the day and o can't imagine ever feeling differently.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
We Love each other but i can't do this anymore
CCID · 24/03/2019 12:20
I don’t think you are really in two minds. I think you know the answer.
It’s good that you used Mumsnet to write it all out, now you have it to look over when you’re worried you’ll take him back.
Sometimes these relationships can be salvaged with a good therapist and lots of goodwill on both sides. But I’m not seeing that with yours. It really is supposed to be better and easier than this in the early years. Not this messy embarrassing cluster fuck. Both your families know he has a serious problem. You know it. So follow the creed: you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it. He’ll just have to sink or swim alone.
Spend your energy recovering, separating your assets astutely, and seeking a partner who is worthy of your efforts and love. 
I've recently left a man I love because he was a street angel and home devil - what I
mean is that he's wonderful when he's out and about with other people, pulls the wool over their eyes. But at home he's a completely different person. We both tried hard to overcome his issues, but the final chapter was when I had a nervous breakdown and he resented me for it.
It's so hard. I don't think inherently my ex is an awful person but he has huge issues with maladaptive behaviours that I just can't wrestle with on top of being a mother and with my own. I had to make the choice to leave the father of my child because I simply couldn't stand to be in the house anymore feeling like I was preparing myself for his next outburst or insult. I still love him and always will, but I also know that it's not my fault he's this way and he is better off alone to figure out how to be a better person.
You're not to blame or worthless. You're not responsible for his addictions and his OTT drinking. They are facets of his personality that you aren't to blame for. Youve done the right thing 
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