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We Love each other but i can't do this anymore(50 Posts)
Hi, I'm a 28 year old woman who's been in a relationship for 5 years. Yesterday I broke up with my partner and I feel numb and just need some advice on if I made the right decision and maybe advice on what my future might look like without him.
The first three years of our relationship were great, we have very different personalities but we got along and we were in love.
We bought a house two years ago and that's were it all started going wrong, he started drinking more and the first big incident happened at my cousins wedding. He got so drunk he became belligerent towards my family and then threw up in the taxi on the way home all over my parents and cousins and the taxi driver through us out. He was mortified the following day and promised he would change. He was so remorseful I believed him and I said he needed to stop drinking and try harder, he promised he would and thus the cycle started, over the following months the below incidents happened:
He got so drunk on a night out he called me saying he was at a bus stop but didn't know where, my mum and me drive around the city at 2am and eventually found him passed out at a bus stop.
We went on a holiday with my family (which my parents paid for) he got so drunk he threw up all over the apartment and whilst he was passed out me and my family had to clean it up in time for an inspection by the owners.
We went out with his family and he got so drunk he became angry with me when I asked him to come home with me that he threw the house keys at me and told me to get lost and I walked home alone.
Finally he went out and promised me that he wouldn't drink on a works night out, he got rang me at 11pm drunk and said he wouldn't be coming home. I then found out the following morning he had been arrested for drunk and disorderly.
Then a couple of months ago I found his credit card statement showing he had spent £700 on gaming over 6 months (all the while we were struggling financially)
Last weekend I found out he'd been spending money on gaming again and I threw him out.
After every incident he has not really apologised and after a couple of days he gets annoyed at me for keeping an eye on his drinking, he says I'm controlling and manipulative and that he's a grown man who can decide what he drinks. I have never had a problem with people drinking before this relationship but I am now filled with anxiety and dread when it comes to drink. After each event I have had to put us back together with little or no effort on his part. I made it so easy for him to be forgiven and to try again to fix the relationship. But last weekend when I found out he had been spending money we didn't have on gaming (which he spends most days doing at least 4-5 hours everyday) I flipped but once again I forgave him because I love him then he told me he was going to go out the following Saturday with his family to watch a match and play pool. I said to him this once I'm asking you not to drink after the weekend we've just had I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of him drinking, he refused.
I love him and I know he loves me and I honestly think he's a decent person who the majority of the time takes care of me and he is so easy to live with but over time I'm feeling more alone in the relationship than ever and I feel like all I do is nag and worry about what the next incident will be, I'm not perfect either, I can be lazy around the house and I can can sometimes lose my temper but I feel trapped in an endless cycle of how personalities clashing.
What hurts the most is that after everything he's done it was always me that had to fix us and it seemed really easy for him to walk away when I said it was over and I think that's what hurts me the most. I kept delaying our wedding because the thought of having him around my family and friends with drink terrified me.
Even though I've ended it I keep questioning if I've made the right decision I do love him and I'm so sad I can hardly breath I feel like I miss him every second of the day and o can't imagine ever feeling differently.
You are me 11.5 years ago.
My ex was an out of control “social” drinker who was irresponsible with money he didn’t have (gambling rather than gaming). I’d also been with him 7 years by the age of 30. Though not bought a home together.
I threw him out. I was heart broken. Lost a stone in weight. Was very depressed. It was the best thing I did.
5 months later I met DH.
It’s ok to be upset, and miss him. There must have been some good times. You were together a long time and have a lot of shared history. You can be gutted whilst still knowing it was the right thing to do. I hope you’ll find that people around you who love you will be supportive. Make a clean break. Don’t see him, it makes things harder. I’m
Sure the finances with your home will feel a hurdle. Don’t make that make you take him back.
Think you definately made the right decision - some times you have to walk away. He sounds like he has serious addiction problems and you can't fix that - he has to do that himself and sounds like he had no intention to do that. You can't put your life on pause for him.
I don’t think you are really in two minds. I think you know the answer.
It’s good that you used Mumsnet to write it all out, now you have it to look over when you’re worried you’ll take him back.
Sometimes these relationships can be salvaged with a good therapist and lots of goodwill on both sides. But I’m not seeing that with yours. It really is supposed to be better and easier than this in the early years. Not this messy embarrassing cluster fuck. Both your families know he has a serious problem. You know it. So follow the creed: you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it. He’ll just have to sink or swim alone.
Spend your energy recovering, separating your assets astutely, and seeking a partner who is worthy of your efforts and love.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I feel like breaking up is ultimately what's best.
I just feel so sad and devastated, it feels like he's picked his addictions over me and I feel completely worthless. I just worry that it was so easy for him to put me last that maybe there is something wrong with me and I'll never find anyone who'll think I'm worth more.
But I have a loving family who are helping me and I can just try and do one day at a time.
Yes you made the right decision, I would suggest that the attachment you feel to him is something akin to trauma bonding, this was not a partnership of equals it was a master slave arrangement - you did all the work and he got all the benefits
Take back the power that he took from you and stay strong💪
You are not worthless!
the fact that you left him tells you that deep down inside you know you are worth more than that
Now you just need to fully consciously recognise that you are worth more than that😊
CCID, have you written about this before? Your whole post sounds familiar.
You are not responsible for fixing him. It seems as if he doesn’t even have a shred of an ‘excuse’ for his appalling behaviour. Imagine how worried your family must have been that you were wasting your life with this idiot. And how relieved they must be that you’ve dumped him.
You made the right decision. Time to start moving on.
No I haven't actually ever posted before, I've browsed some of the forums but never posted. I used to read posts about people whose partners had severe addiction issues and I used to think we'll at my OH isn't that bad (I think I was in denial)
And yes my parents are ecstatic I've left him, they are so sad that I'm going through this and they haven't said anything very negative about him but I can tell that they are happy I've finally made the decision
My mum said to me that over the past two years I have gotten more anxious and less like myself, she's sad for me but I think she's happy we've ended.
Your Mum sounds like a wise and lovely woman. Her comment about you becoming anxious and less like yourself is telling. It would have only got worse and you would have ended up losing yourself completely while pandering to your ex. Lucky escape.
You have made a good choice which was hard to do.
Get the house sold and move on with your life. I know that sounds callous but it is the best thing.
Lean on your family and friends. Your life could be transformed in a matter of months if you put yourself first. He has had enough chances.
Stick to your guns don’t drift back. I did the same at 28 man I adored charismatic interesting but could be abusive and embarrassing when drunk to my family and work colleagues mortifying. Remember a night out one of his friends staying with us and he got drunk and abusive and I was so relieved his friend was there to help me with him. Something in me knew I couldn’t marry him or have kids with him. Moved jobs and cities met wonderful dh and have such a lovely life with our family. My blood runs cold when I think what might have been if I hadn’t moved on. Wishing you strength x
I've recently left a man I love because he was a street angel and home devil - what I
mean is that he's wonderful when he's out and about with other people, pulls the wool over their eyes. But at home he's a completely different person. We both tried hard to overcome his issues, but the final chapter was when I had a nervous breakdown and he resented me for it.
It's so hard. I don't think inherently my ex is an awful person but he has huge issues with maladaptive behaviours that I just can't wrestle with on top of being a mother and with my own. I had to make the choice to leave the father of my child because I simply couldn't stand to be in the house anymore feeling like I was preparing myself for his next outburst or insult. I still love him and always will, but I also know that it's not my fault he's this way and he is better off alone to figure out how to be a better person.
You're not to blame or worthless. You're not responsible for his addictions and his OTT drinking. They are facets of his personality that you aren't to blame for. Youve done the right thing
You’ve totally done the right thing but its natural to be sad; its not how you wanted it to be.
If you get back together he will see that as accepting his behaviour and it will carry on and grind you down and your love will turn to resentment and you’ll be upset to have wasted your time with him.
Best to break up now. Be kind to yourself and move on
a street angel and home devil
I totally sympathise @Butt, however I do feel that you are making him sound sort of romantic and tortured with this enigmatic title, I'd call him what he is, manipulative piece of shit
dont waste time trying to polish that turd!
I hope I didnt sound critical @Butt, I know these types often have a certain charisma that draws people back to them, but the angel personna is just a facade, it's a tool that he uses to help him get away with all the pisstaking and boundary trampling
You've definitely made the right decision he is in total denial of how bad his behaviour is, and until he is ready to change you will never change him not matter what you try, spend time doing the things you love, spend time with friends and family go out and do things and focus on yourself it gets easier! I have been where you are but drugs were involved as a replacement of alcohol etc I'm not saying your ex is an addict but if he wasn't he was certainly heading that way. If he knows what he is like when he drinks and continues to do it then he had no respect for you and how it made you feel, good luck ❤️ stay strong you will be fine xx
Not at all @Hearhere - you're absolutely spot on - he's always tried to lure me in and love bombed me from the start.
Thanks guys I really appreciate all the advice, it's really helped me with perspective. I am meeting with him on Wednesday to discuss the logistics/finances etc, that will be extremely hard but I feel with what you all have said, I've probably made the right decision. Thank you. X
You have most definitely made the right decision. Only he can fix his issues and he never will as long as he can try to deflect the responsibility onto someone else. My ex was like this, then when I left him, he charmed someone else in who, unsurprisingly, came up against pretty much the same issues and eventually threw him out.
You might want to check out a support group for loved ones with alcohol addictions-they will help you realize you are far from being the only one in this situation and that you can't change an addiction unless they want to do so and perhaps you can learn about enabling an addict. He sounds like an alcohol and gaming addict and maybe a gambling addiction to boot. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous online for locations near you and good luck
I just wanted every single person who has commented on this post to know that you have made me stronger and I really appreciate your advice. I want you all to know that you you have had an important impact on my life and I will forever be grateful to you, a group of strangers who took the time to reassure and comfort me during this awful time.
Thank you xx
Bless your heart and look after yourself
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