Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

[Canthearthroughmyglasses]

Hi, I just wanted to say it must be a difficult decisdion. I can relate to how it feels seeing stuff gone or changing. It would be a useful grownup and I hope someone who is going through similar will embrace the idea. I recently left an abusive relationship and I am glad it’s over, but it’s always difficult.

[Misty9]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm feeling so distracted all the time - I'm doing something at work for instance, then suddenly I think about the fact I'm looking at a rental place tomorrow and my whole life is about to change and I can't even really tell anyone (except closest friend) until we've told the kids. Am also not looking forward to telling extended family etc. Sigh.

[Moffa]

I’m with you Misty!

Splitting with H of nearly 8 years.

Seeing therapist now and seeing solicitor next week.

Just want to leave now xx

[Misty9]

Hi moffa sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. Or, congratulations?!

Today's weird thoughts: I'll need to get a whole new store cupboard of basics. Comforting ds having a meltdown - how's he going to react to a real problem in his life?!

[bluebell2017]

So you've moved over here? And things are progressing? Well done. What was the rental like?

I am still plucking up courage to tell dh. I am a sahm, so the money aspect is worrying. I haven't worked for 18 years now, and whilst I am actually looking forward to having a job again, I am worried about whether anyone will ever employ me.

I had my free solicitor's appointment last week, and financially I am in a better position than I realised. Dh is fairly wealthy (not that anyone looking in at us would ever know, but that's a whole new story) and the solicitor said I would get at least 50% of that. I think dh will be much more upset and angry about the prospect of losing half of his money than he will be about losing me and the children.

[Moffa]

Bluebell - my h is the same! He’ll fight to his last breath for his money! I’m glad a 50/50 split is the starting point. Hopefully we will all be ok xxx

[Misty9]

The rental was good...and I've put an application in for it. We've agreed that all costs (deposit etc) will come out of joint money for now as it's to go towards our dc having two stable homes. It's all very surreal talking conversationally with dh about me moving out and sharing the dc!

I think we're going to try weds-sat bedtime as a split, with me having the 3 nights and him having 4 for now as he's still going to be in the family home until it's sold but that could take months. And it's about what's best for the dc, not splitting their time right down the middle.

I'm spending most of my time in a heightened state of anticipation and feeling slightly sick. It's wiped out my appetite. We're going to tell the kids this weekend...

[Moffa]

Good luck @Misty. I hope the DC take it well. How old are they again?

It sounds like your H is being reasonable too. How do you feel about him having them 4 nights a week? Is he a good dad? X

[Misty9]

They're nearly 5 and 7 and he's a really good dad who has always been very hands on and involved. I feel a bit bereft at the thought of me being away from them but it makes sense with work etc to do it this way for now. None of my friends have been surprised we're splitting so that speaks volumes!

[Misty9]

Telling the kids this morning...not looking forward to it

[PhillipaLalla]

How was it @Misty9 ? Following this thread with interest.

[Moffa]

Yes hope all went ok with the DC. Any advice welcome xxx

[Misty9]

Hi, it went okay. We chose the library to do it and got a story book out about it too. We just said mummy and daddy have decided not to live together anymore, but we both love you very much and it's nothing you've done and not your fault. Said we've got grown up problems which we've tried hard to fix but can't. Told them they'll be living half the week with me and half with dh in their current home. They both asked a couple of questions but took it in their strides really. I'm sure it'll be more obvious to them when I actually move out. I'm worried they'll feel I'm leaving them and thus far it fits best for me to have 3 days and dh to have 4...but it feels gut wrenching

[Moffa]

Misty I’m sure it was really hard but you’ve done it and that’s another obstacle hurdled. I’m glad they took it well xxx

[IntentsAndPorpoises]

Glad they took it well. I might be in this position soon. Dh is being assessed for ASD, our dd has a diagnosis. I think it's fairly obvious that he does.

It makes me feel guilt because I know that some of what I find difficult in the relationship isn't his fault. But I also can't live with the level of emotional input, affection and fixed mindset that he has. I've previously read things about emotional abuse that ring bells (nasty comments, critiscim) but I think is more to do with how he copes with situations. He doesn't mean to hurt.

Friends that know say that I should work on it for the sake of the kids. But he refuses to go to counselling.

Sorry, didn't mean to make this all about me.

[Misty9]

@IntentsAndPorpoises I know exactly what you mean and all I can say is you need to look after yourself. Dh is never critical or mean, but he is quite aloof and emotionless and I really struggle with that. With us it's more about incompatibility as I am very emotional and had quite a neglectful upbringing so it replicates that which doesn't help. I feel kind of dead inside and we have no intimacy either. And life is short. It's a really hard decision to make though and I'm sorry you're in the same position if your dh gets a diagnosis how do you think you'll feel? It was the nail in the coffin for me I think...

[Shitfuckoh]

Hi,
Can I join here please?
Still living with my OH/Ex but the children were told yesterday that Daddy is going to be moving to a new house (not my choice of how to tell them, in fact I'm very angry about it) Now just need to wait until he sorts one. Worried to be honest about financial issues because I'm a SAHM with 3 little ones - one of which has complex SN's and I'm going to end up making a benefit claim.

Things were okay & did settle to become 'amnicable' but recently, especially the last week things are becoming quite difficult/awkward/a nightmare. He also didn't take too kindly to my alerting him to a website where there are numerous properties available to rent without an obscene amount of money required up front and basically had a tantrum stating I was trying to force him out, trying to force him to an area he doesn't want to be, in a property that is not suitable etc.

[earlgreymarl]

Hi @misty, @moffa and @bluebell. I guess it's not massively surprising to meet again on this thread! Hope you are all doing ok all of you. It's so nice actually to "recognise" you all when looking this up myself. Good luck with everything. Not sure what I am doing yet, or have the guts to do.

[earlgreymarl]

Good luck tomorrow @misty, you are doing the right thing for you all xxxx

[Moffa]

Hi all,

Hi @earlgrey - I think the other thread is still a bit fragile! But I will go back to it. How are you getting on?

Hope you’re all doing well.

I had my first solicitors appointment yesterday. It was 2 hours long and covered a lot. She wants to keep it as non-contentious/inflammatory as possible so to start with she advised me to not take anything other than clothes & toys when I move out.
She recommended that I don’t apply for a residency order for the children but to wait and see his reaction (hoping he won’t be that interested as he hasn’t been so far! Although she warned he might do a 180 and suddenly want to be Disney Dad).
It looks as though I’d be pretty poor but better to be poor, free and happy right? (Bloody hope so!)
I felt totally emotionally drained afterwards. People are right - getting divorced is really hard work.

I’ve got my 2nd psychotherapy appointment today. I feel glad I’m making progress even if it is gradual.

How are you all doing? Xx

[IntentsAndPorpoises]

I was feeling relieved that I'd made a decision, starting to work things out in my head. Talked to my mum about it, she wasn't surprised and was really supportive. This morning I'm having a wobble. Mainly over the kids. We moved them schools recently and it's been fine, but obviously they don't have the same support network around them. And I keep thinking if we hadn't done that it would be easier. We could probably have sold the house, paid off the debt. But I don't want the kids to lose the house with everything else.

And I don't think dh will move out, so I have to find somewhere rented. And debt, what happens to debt? I'm going to make an appointment with a solicitor to chat. Wobbles are normal right? I'm so certain that I don't want to be with him.

[Moffa]

I wobble constantly @intentsandporpoises. Sometimes I feel like I can take on the world. Then later I feel like the whole thing is so daunting and impossible.

My therapist is trying to build up my self confidence to help this xx

[IntentsAndPorpoises]

Thanks. It's hard when we laugh at something together. But then it isn't because I hate him. I care about him, we could be good friends.

Should I see a solicitor before I tell him? I've worked out possible ways forward with the house, finances.

[Moffa]

I know - it really is a roller coaster.

My H has no idea....

Seeing the solicitor was good as she sees this all the time and she gave good advice. She was very non-aggressive and has made me see things differently. Maybe I can get through this with my integrity intact? I read up on conscious uncoupling today. I’ve been planning to just leave but maybe I will try and broach the subject before and see if we can have a sensible discussion. Like you, I love & care about him, and I hope we can be friends and co parents. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore.

So I would recommend seeing a solicitor just from an informational perspective. I paid for 2 hours and I was there 2 hours. I probably could have done another hour. We talked about the marriage, children, finances and she peppered the conversation with knowledge from her side. It definitely gave me lots to think about. It was emotionally draining though xx

[Misty9]

I had a major wobble yesterday so it's completely normal I think. I don't think there's any harm in getting legal advice before you talk to him; I had the initial session which was less than the hourly rate and spent 90mins talking. And it's definitely a rollercoaster! Well, for one of us anyway... I think a few of us have ASD spouses? I shouldn't be surprised but dh has completely stepped aside in terms of reacting to the separation or supporting the kids. He is oblivious to their needs and consequently I'm carrying everything and feel that I'm hurting them, not us doing it in agreement. In short, it's shit

For the first time ever I am questioning whether dh really can meet all the kids needs. All I can do for now is plough on with the plans but I'm now aware I need to monitor the situation and might have to reduce his days of caring for them.

I feel completely alone in dealing with this - but it is reassuring me that I'm making the right decision luckily my friends are being amazing and rallying round.

Moffa I was aiming for conscious uncoupling too but it does need both parties to be conscious! And not in denial/shutdown.

Hugs to all