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Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully(930 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.
Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!
Definitely go and get her from nursery if she goes, forget the I'm just as bad as him. Once you've got her back you can make a plan to move forward, ie supervised contact only, nursery not allowing her to be picked up by father. The main thing is that you get her back in a safe environment.
I certainly think requesting another welfare check tomorrow by the police is reasonable she will have been kept off nursery 2/3 days by him and presumably she'll be at his office rather than home being cared for...
Thinking of you OP. He is absolutely awful. Your poor little girl needs stability. I hope this all gets sorted soon
This is awful, he sounds quite deranged. I read all of your last thread and have great sympathy for you.
If it's any consolation, the more of this crazy behaviour you can get clearly on record (e.g. saying he will bring her back at one time and then not doing it and keeping her) the worse he will look in court.
In view of his refusal to return, once you get her back, could you refuse allowing contact until this is settled in court ?
& block him picking up from Nursery.
I would stop contact I'm afraid. Let the court deal with it. The man is deranged and can't be trusted. This is a two year old!
I second everyone who is saying once you get her back, no more contact until there is a full and enforceable residency order in place. He's proved that he can't be trusted.
I’m going to go against the grain a little here and say that OP needs to be whiter than white. There is already a SS presence involved and they will see him for who he is now... the OP needs to be in it for the long game. Play fair now (as in don’t lower yourself to his level), the more likely a judge and SW will back her...
Unfortunately, and for reasons I have no understanding of, SS will often back the absent parent and almost try and alienate the resident parent. Giving the toxic one all the chances and the parent who does as they should do, the hard time. It’s almoat like they need to be seen to give everyone an equal chance, but the one who plays fair can be pushed harder.
If the OP keeps to the rules, in the long run it will benefit her and her dd, it’ll just be hard going for a while whilst he ‘hangs himself’
WhoKnewBeefStew While I agree with the sentiment that the OP must be seen to be behaving properly, they have an interim contact arrangement in place that the ex has broken. I know somebody IRL that this happened to and she tried to do the "right thing" (ie : leave DS with his father under similar circumstances to this). What actually happened is that the court then recognised him as the resident parent and he now has primary custody. I don't wish to scaremonger. He was as nuts as the man in this case. The OP cannot sit on her laurels with this one!
If you collect her from nursery do you think he could turn up at your house and become violent?
Surely if he's removing her from nursery and having her roaming around by herself in an office while he's not there, it's a SS concern.
Could you report him to them and ask them to intervene?
I get that you want him to have access, I get that you think he's not a danger to her, but ultimately it also sounds if if he's parenting in a shitty self-centred way. Who on earth keeps a 2 year old from their mother anyway? Isn't that cause for SS concern?!
He may not be a physical danger, but his abusive behaviour indicates that he will be damaging her in other ways. He already treats her like a toy/trophy. In the longer term I see no benefit in ongoing contact for her, and her needs are what matters here.
Have you looked at the Freedom Programme?
Sorry been at work. So I went in I explained everything to my boss, who was lovely about it, but kept asking 'why is he doing it?' Incredulously.
I had a call from nursery, he didn't take her in so the manager rang him at work on his work line, and he said frostily that they were away for the day. 1. It picks up how crap he is for not informing them. 2. He knows he's a prick - away for the day on a landline
She didn't ask about the rest of the week as she didn't want to give the game away of what she's up to.
Had email from the solicitor this afternoon from him, my solicitor has suggested so I can get her back to agree to him having her on the alternative weekend until Monday morning drop her off a nursery. I said it had to be noted that he is forcing me into agreeing by withholding her.
I am waiting on a response I still have no idea when I am going to see her.
I am pushing to get back into court at his failure to do as directed by the court to be reasonable, I want a residence order in place. He is holding her hostage by not taking her to nursery. No court will agree to seclusion in an office with only 1 parent for company.
When she is home I am going to speak to my GP and health visitors and gather evidence from them as well as her nursery.
No he can't come around the house if I pick her up - if he does he'll be chucked in prison, he's not allowed within 25 m of the house. He isn't dropping her off though.
I would be surprised if he dropped her off tomorrow, it is a clear case of keeping her hostage. I am worried about her now. I will speak to social services again tomorrow, if he's keeping her off he could be hiding other things - bruises etc. I wouldn't have thought it but I am getting very suspicious of him now.
No I don't want to stop him having access to her. But I want her safe and now I question if he would keep her safe if faced with the option of letting her do things she wants/ likes/ needs as opposed to keeping her from me. I think that would be his priority, which means she's not safe with him.
So glad work where understanding, their response just shows how off kilter his actions are.
Op - I can see you are doing everything you can.
So frustrating when other people just don't understand the why of what he is doing. They just don't get how someone can be vindictive to the detriment of their own children just to get at you.
Your loss of power at this time is only temporary. You are doing a great job at recording everything, gathering evidence to put a stop to him having any way of being able to control you at all in future.
It's also a huge massive thing not to react in the way he wants you to. He's pulling out every trick he has to get to you - well done on being one step ahead and a whole lot smarter than he thinks he is.
You are a star.
I'd ask for another welfare check at least. I am very concerned about this going on for any longer
I can never get over how psychotic he is. I will continue to hope and pray for your daughter's safe return to you.
OP, has your solicitor not considered applying for an emergency protection order? There is a criteria, but the fact that access to your child is being withheld from you despite interim arrangements for contact, you may be able to get one. They are often heard the next day. This is a two year old who needs her mummy and her "father" is keeping her at his place of work to prevent the other parent having contact. He is keeping her from nursery. I think you'd have grounds.
I'd also contact the NSPCC who can apply on your behalf and indeed I would say quite clearly that you are concerned for her safety due to coercive control (which is a criminal offence) and your ex-h quite possibly having mental health issues. I am actually stunned at the lack of urgency shown by your solicitor to be honest. Your ex is an absolute prick doing this under the umbrella of the court.
It sounds like his behaviour is escalating and given what he's just done I really don't think he should be granted contact at all! He's nuts! Hopefully this will eventually turn out in your favour. You've been so incredibly reasonable about enabling contact and he's really messed you and your DD around.
Is he allowing you contact with her in the form of phone calls or anything?
Really worried and sad for you both :-(
Sorry for repeated posts, I keep forgetting to type things. Does she have enough clothes, clean underwear, toothbrush? Toys? Everything a two year old would need? This is just such a worrying situation and as others have said, no she's not safe.
Right sat down after some food, I have read thoroughly the comments.
I can't prevent him from picking DD from school unless there is a court order which says he's not allowed to. So if I were to take her prevent him from seeing her I would have to keep her off nursery too. I would like to do that, she loves nursery, she would hate it, that is my priority. If every time I drop her off he picks her up and keeps her he's actually doing himself so much harm in the eyes of the court. My priority is to show him to be the jerk he is, by doing everything right with no lies, no manipulation he is digging himself a hole anyway. I am thinking about when she's an angry teenager she won't blame me for her lack of relationship with her dad, that when she decides at 13 she can't bare him speaking to her in the way he does or the relentless punishments that I will have her back in a right and proper way and we can fight him together.
With his behaviour now, I do question his parental capability and capacity for reason. So no I don't want him around her at all.
Rest assured I won't rest on my laurels, I have plenty of evidence. I am the one still booking dentists appointments, taking her for hair cuts, taking her for her injections, I am the one who has her prescriptions and medications. He hasn't even asked for her creams, I dread to think of her skin when she comes home, it has taken years of trial and error to find the right soaps, creams, washing powders etc.
I am speaking again to my solicitor tomorrow about the next action- she's currently trying to just get her home.
I went into my DD11's school today to have a chat with them, she has SATs coming up, her only father figure in her life has abandoned her, he's now stopping her from seeing her little sister and she doesn't know when she will see her next, plus knowing I have to keep going to court to fight for her. I wanted them aware it may present itself in one way on another. She's her awesome but she may be being awesome at home and need somewhere to vent / express herself without upsetting me (not that it would). She has a great group of friends who's mums she can chat too if she needs also, but I did want an eye on her. The older 2 schools are already aware and keeping an eye.
Sorry...also, you cannot let her go with him again BECAUSE of this behaviour, you will simply go round and round in circles with situations like this forever more. So your solicitor suggesting the contact you stated above "so that you can get her back" is utterly ludicrous. An emergency application is the only way forward.
I completely agree. Which what I am pushing for.
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