Talk

Advanced search

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

(930 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

awesmum Tue 12-Mar-19 19:00:27

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

Evertheconundrum Fri 06-Sep-19 23:30:24

@Moffa Please start a thread? I really think you need some support yourself

Moffa Sat 07-Sep-19 07:13:50

@Evertheconundrum you are probably right but it would be so long I have no idea where to start 🤦🏽‍♀️

@awesmum keep us posted 💖

AnneKipanki Sat 07-Sep-19 08:58:58

Just read your first thread . You are an amazing woman @awesmum .
You are bringing up amazing children.

awesmum Sat 07-Sep-19 11:26:39

@Moffa it really doesn't sound crazy at all. It sound exactly what it is. I didn't realise what I was going through either, it was our marriage councillor who pointed out just one small thing of how wrong he was to pick me up on how 'fat' I looked when I stood in a certain way, I truly thought he said these things because he loved me and wanted to make me 'better', that I trod too heavily when I walked, that I breathed too loudly (I even went to the Dr about this and had tests done). These were the 'kind' things he said to me. Looking back now I think what the f**k? But at the time you are so down trodden, so tried, so alone, so empty, trying to keep it together, trying so hard to 'better' yourself because you maybe been made to believe it is you.

It's not you. It's him.

I am so glad you have been writing stuff down that's brilliant. When I was still with my ex I bought a book just to write down all the things I did wrong I called it my betterment book. I wrote down all the wrong things I did with tactics of how to make me s better person because quite frankly he deserved better than what I was doing, being and giving.

I still have this book, this absurd little book of abuse, that I can see the horrific daily torture this man who was meant to love me inflicted on me on a daily, hourly basis. But I use this book now, now my mind is getting clearer, getting better, and stronger, and I add to it. Because each and every day I am away from him I am reminded in some small way how truly wonderful my life is without him. I still have to see him yes, I may not get my full wishes with regards to child arrangements nor financial settlement, but what I do have is a sense of self and peace.

Yesterday my moment of gratitude of being away from him was talking to a work colleague about back to school shopping and how I nearly lost my temper over something so ridiculous, I was told 'you know you're allowed to loose your temper' it was an innocuous and off the cuff not thought about remark by someone's hi thought no more about what I had said after I walked off, but it resonated with me.

I am allowed emotions. I am allowed to be cross, happy, sad, angry, irritated, annoyed, overwhelmed, silly, rude, and so on. This is 11 months down the line.

Please go to Women's Aid, call them, leave them a message they will come back to you. Start a thread, it doesn't matter where you start, copy and paste your first paragraph to me. These wonderful people on here have been incredible.

As for Crisis, they are using my story as a platform to change the current laws that allow coercive relationships and domestic violence relationship to keep people in the home suffering the same abuse, not giving them an opportunity to flee / escape or get refuge. I wasn't suitable for a refuge as my older children would not have been accepted, and I couldn't leave them behind. I had no financial stability or access of my own as he held and still does everything. I was beaten down and at my lowest. All things so many people in this circumstance are. To change the law so you can go to Women's Aid and they can liaise with the council to get people immediate and sustained help to get away.

Crisis will be using my story on their website and try to get it into the national press as a case study to push the new bill through parliament to get those in need the desperate help they need and deserve.

If you want to send me a private message I will respond.

KTD27 Sat 07-Sep-19 20:49:09

@awesmum I’ve read every page of your story and have been following in the background for months.
I know it’s been said already and I know I won’t be the last to say it but I wanted to tell you that you’re amazing. Truly inspirationally amazing.

NettleTea Mon 09-Sep-19 14:03:39

@awesmum that is fantastic about crisis, absolutely fantastic
Id love to read your blog too

ditchinthekitchen Mon 09-Sep-19 14:45:39

Oh yes, also interested in reading your blog @awesmum!

Moffa Mon 09-Sep-19 21:16:24

Thank you for your kind words @awesmum. It’s so crazy isn’t it. Once you realise what is going on. You talking about how he said you breathed too loudly has reminded me that I was often told off for eating or chewing too loudly. No one else over my entire life has ever said I’m a noisy eater & I've asked friends since who say it’s nonsense. My clothes were wrong, my hair was wrong, what I said was all wrong. The thing is, it gives me the chills now just thinking about how much I tolerated even though I knew deep down I was so unhappy. Watching the kids laugh & play and joining in with them means everything has been worth it. I was so stressed & shouty before. Urgh.

I’m going to speak to the police just so things are on record somewhere. And several friends and my therapist have offered to make statements. I suppose this is my insurance policy in case he either hurts me or starts trying to get custody. He would present as someone wholly reasonable & sensible as he is so good at masking his true self and paint me as some hysterical mother. He would only do it to hurt me as he isn’t really interested in the children. Luckily 6 months out of the relationship I am thankfully more together than I have been in years!

How are you doing? X

BeUpStanding Mon 09-Sep-19 22:02:04

Your update has brought a little tear to my eye! All of us who have read and followed your threads are so goddamn proud of you. It is wonderful that you're turning something so painful and horrific into something positive that will help others.

Mrsmummy90 Mon 09-Sep-19 22:26:08

This update is amazing! Look how far you've come!
It's so wonderful that you're using your experience to help others in this situation.

You're an incredible woman.

awesmum Thu 12-Sep-19 19:32:28

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. I really am not wonderful, just trying to do what's right.
It may all come to nothing, but it may help someone.

@Moffa I know exactly what you mean everything I did was wrong, I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I am still appreciative for the clarity of having him out of my head.

As for where I am at the moment. He's refusing to respond to the divorce. Not a surprise, he's again not speaking to DD on hangovers as he clearly hasn't the ability to be civil. He's not taking DD to nursery when he has her, or picking he's her up far too early. Won't respond if I ask if she's ill via email.
In the handover book I told him nursery had asked for her to have her hair tied back tightly as one of the children has nits and as they're not allowed to say anything to the parent they are warning other parents. He's not doing it - he only drops her off on the days I collect her. The nursery are keeping a diary of her absences as he's not even informing them, they've also agreed to put her hair up with hair bands I provide to prevent her getting nits.
Her nursery are amazing.

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 12-Sep-19 19:42:12

Hello @Awesmum, I've followed your threads and seen you get stronger and stronger but you post about your 'betterment' just shows how far you have come. It bought tears to my eyes.

PonderingPanda Fri 13-Sep-19 15:02:09

@awesmum - isn't he going against the court with the nursery issues? Can you go back to Court about it?

user1494670108 Fri 13-Sep-19 15:08:55

Your update is amazing, you are getting stronger and creating a better healthier home for your dc.
He, meanwhile is still behaving the same (like a twat) and the record of this will go against him if you return to court

Dullardmullard Fri 13-Sep-19 17:34:05

So if no nursery where is he taking her home or his work as that is a breach right away.

When are you back in court or was that the last one there.

Plus what the hell will he do once she is at school as that will get him fined if he doesn't take here

Dullardmullard Fri 13-Sep-19 17:34:31

her*

AcrossthePond55 Fri 13-Sep-19 21:01:54

Totally off track but a nursery isn't allowed to tell a parent that their child needs to be rid of nits!?! When mine were in school a child would be sent home if they had nits with a note to not return until they'd been treated and were 'clean'.

He'll never change. I guess there's not much you can do unless you can prove he's been taking DD into work. And as far as not responding to the divorce, what happens next? Here it would mean they'd 'defaulted' and a hearing date would be set right away.

awesmum Fri 13-Sep-19 23:33:45

@AcrossthePond55 no unfortunately you're not allowed to inform the parent or insist on them treating the nits, it's deemed as bullying.

The nursery are keeping a diary. Which I will be using if needs be. It maybe I am not this stupid I know it's not a one off. But I 'have' to give him the benefit of the doubt.

@Dullardmullard I wouldn't put it past him to get into trouble get fined and then fight it. He loves a fight and has on numerous occasions when we were together fought the most ridiculous battles in court and lost every time.

He's now reached his second set of allotted time to respond the divorce papers are going to the court. You can't help stupid.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 14-Sep-19 15:52:55

That's nuts!!!

You know, I agree with the 'benefit of the doubt' thing. It will show the courts that you are trying to be cooperative and that he's the one who is disregarding the court orders and being obstructionist.

No, you can't help stupid. But thank God you no longer have to live with it! It may take time, but things will get settled. And I definitely think he's the 'give him enough rope' type.

awesmum Sun 29-Sep-19 20:44:40

Hello everyone
I just wanted to pop by see how you all are. I had all my family over for a party this weekend it was heavenly, I haven't had them over in years, to be able to relax, wander around with ease and enjoyment. Not to watch what I said or did, to kick people out after an hour or have asked permission in the first place. To have no build up of anxiety beforehand just pure excitement of seeing everyone. To chat freely, make jokes, be loud, or quiet at my will. To eat what I like and drink as much or as little. To not worry about mess or noise. For my family to also be able to relax and laugh in my home. To just be. With my family. Oh what a difference a year makes.

LannieDuck Sun 29-Sep-19 20:56:32

What a lovely update smile

sazzle27 Sun 29-Sep-19 21:55:40

Followed your story from the start @awesmum , and am so glad to read your latest update!

How fantastic to have that freedom and relaxation ❤️

(Also concerned at how close to 1k you're getting!)

upaladderagain Sun 29-Sep-19 22:11:50

Just raising a glass to you Awesmum. So, so pleased for you to have all that tension lifted from your shoulders: you must be walking on air. Cheers!!

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 01-Oct-19 16:56:03

Wonderful update @Awesmum, what a strong resilient woman you are.

Mrsmummy90 Mon 07-Oct-19 06:05:52

Just saw your update and it's so lovely! I'm so happy for you xx

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel Tue 08-Oct-19 10:53:27

What a lovely update and how far you've come.

BeUpStanding Tue 08-Oct-19 14:16:49

Fabulous update!

NewLevelsOfTiredness Tue 08-Oct-19 14:41:55

I really am not wonderful, just trying to do what's right

Yes you fucking are!

I've followed this thread, and the previous one from the start and it's awesome that it's moved from hoping you cope and get through it to just being curious to see what new strength, happiness and wonder you've discovered in your freedom.

TFthatsover Sun 20-Oct-19 23:45:25

How are you doing OP?

awesmum Sat 09-Nov-19 19:44:26

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3739572-handhold-told-h-i-want-a-divorce-the-rise-and-fall-i-am-rising?watched=1&msgid=91459929#91459929

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »