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Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

(631 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

changerofnameaspiethread Tue 05-Mar-19 11:50:53

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Heatherheathers Tue 05-Mar-19 21:19:29

Hello everyone. Good to see the new thread.

I keep chipping in with these threads may well have saved my marriage.
Someone asked me on the last thread how I thought the next year might go?

I think it depends. We are rediscovering a love of walking together now that the kids are older. We can chat or be quiet. Sometimes I do ask DH if we can be quiet for a bit after he has been especially intense about special interest.

Some of the hardest times are trying to do damage limitation if kids and him clash. It’s really hard. School refusing DC was really stressed yesterday. DH tried to say that it would be OK but then said, “You’re not in Syria.” If I intervene DH can get really stroppy because I have undermined him in front of kids. But I can’t let some things wait until later because kid with school anxiety needs to hear that I am really on their side confused.

It’s hard having to deal with kids’ anxieties and then DH’s anxiety about their anxiety.

Kids have combinations of the following (properly diagnosed) - dyspraxia, dyslexia, anxiety, sensory issues, ADHD, ASD so it is hard when they clash with each other or DH.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread Tue 05-Mar-19 21:24:23

I'm going to bow out for a while. I believe the name of the thread is going to change sometime soon to make it more medically correct.

I have found somewhere else that is specifically for people in the situation almost all of us find ourselves in. I have previously advocated for keeping these threads going, so that others - like us before we found them - can join. They can read the situations we have and maybe recognise something that explains the pain in their own life. However, these threads exist now. I assume MNHQ will not delete them. So the information is out there.

I believe the place I have found is somewhere where actively unsupportive posts are not allowed and it is moderated by people who have lived through - or have intimate experience with - what our situations are. I can PM this place to anybody who is interested. Personally, I cannot be dealing with fights in the place I come for support.

Thank you to the wonderful people who have given me support and who have shared their experiences too. I'm not flouncing and I may be back when I'm feeling stronger. I just need a different sort of place than what MN can offer right now.

flowers

Heatherheathers Tue 05-Mar-19 21:26:07

He does still ask sometimes but I try to bat it back to him.

I say, “I don’t know,”or “What do you think?” I try to wander off which works better than:

“STOP asking me. You know. You know what to do. Don’t keep asking me stuff you know. Decide for yourself. You are 50. Don’t ask me.”

That just makes everything worse I find blush

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 21:34:34

@ChangerOfNameAspieThread
I'd love to know about the different place. Please pm me.
I agree this space is not safe, and I'm very disappointed with MN in their response.

Daftasabroom Tue 05-Mar-19 21:38:58

Internet is down and mobile is poor, so I'll post more fully in due course.

Towards the end of the last thread I was really hit by the huge gulf in communication. Truly as if different languages were being used.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 21:44:42

Daft yes! I think it summed up the differences very succinctly. And the fact that the ASD diagnosed posters , (and some other posters) really couldn't see how their world view was EXACTLY what we were actually talking about

ShiteheadRevisited Tue 05-Mar-19 21:45:41

Hi @Misty9 - I'll take your lovely flowers, even if they were by accident! Thanks - it's been many years since I received any 

I'm in the East Midlands. My counsellor is local but offers a service via Skype/phone too. Alongside her empathy (she has an ASD husband and son), the biggest benefit I have from our sessions is just having someone focus entirely on me for once, asking me how I'm feeling and giving me practical advice about building emotional strength. For example me thinking about where I am happiest (in my home with nobody else here - I work FT so this happens rarely) and trying to make this happen more often. I now work from home once a week and it's given me some extra headspace/makes me content. Also ensuring I have time with good friends at least once a fortnight to meet my emotional connection needs.

Sorry to see you bow out @ChangerOfNameAspieThread - please do DM me your new place if you don't mind? Just in case the unwanted noise returns here...

OnlineAlienator Tue 05-Mar-19 21:48:33

I'm cringing, tbh

Haffiana Tue 05-Mar-19 22:10:58

ChangerOfNameAspieThread You are allowed to post links to other websites on MN! They don't have to be hidden. Just think - they may serve countless unhappy AS partners in the future when they find this thread and find not only support and validation for the first time in an utterly sad and lonely life, but also your link as a further resource.

And don't feel you have to go. Nowhere is safe because people use rules instead of intelligence and manners instead of conscience . It is only because they are afraid to stand out. We are governed by those in the grip of fear, from our parliament down. Fuck'em, I say... smile

GaudaofEda Tue 05-Mar-19 22:12:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GaudaofEda Tue 05-Mar-19 22:17:26

Nowhere is safe because people use rules instead of intelligence and manners instead of conscience . It is only because they are afraid to stand out. We are governed by those in the grip of fear, from our parliament down. Fuck'em, I say... smile

Are you OK?

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 22:21:23

Gauda are you? As from all your past posts, I'm concerned.

Misty9 Tue 05-Mar-19 22:22:09

@ShiteheadRevisited thank you, that's helpful to know. And here are some intended flowers smile

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 22:28:34

And a new thread less than a day old and we have exactly the same problem as yesterday on the old thread. @MNHQ how can you ignore what is happening, yet again?

Haffiana Tue 05-Mar-19 22:37:22

Are you OK?

I am wonderful, thank you for asking.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread Tue 05-Mar-19 22:39:39

@Haffiana hey there. I wasn't sure about rules for posting and I didn't fancy another deletion. But also, I don't want to let certain posters know where I and maybe some others are off to. There are, however, places (or one place I know of right now) where the tone of some of the posts on this thread already are not tolerated at all.

I'm not leaving Mumsnet, just not posting personal stuff in these threads for now. So people can PM me whenever really. Best pm me with the username from this thread though, for obvious reasons!

GaudaofEda Tue 05-Mar-19 22:40:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread Tue 05-Mar-19 22:41:42

Or tag me because then I get an email.

GaudaofEda Tue 05-Mar-19 22:53:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GaudaofEda Tue 05-Mar-19 22:56:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 22:58:35

Please, if you value the support on this thread, and feel upset by certain posters, do report them to MNHQ every time. That's what MNHQ have said we should do. It's a support thread, so if you feel unsupported do report to MNHQ.

funnylittlefloozie Tue 05-Mar-19 22:58:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 22:59:36

funny
Yes!

funnylittlefloozie Tue 05-Mar-19 23:00:42

I wonder if Gaudas posts will be deleted as quickly as mine was!

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Tue 05-Mar-19 23:02:52

Probably not sad

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