Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: //www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: //www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

[MichaelMumsnet]

Hi all, this thread is part of a long-running discussion on Mumsnet.
It was originally set up with the following request:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

As always, if you're concerned about any post on here, please report it to MNHQ and we'll take a look.

[Moffa]

Dunks toe in water.....

Hi everyone! And breathe!

I’ve had my counselling referral through, I start next week. I spoke to her today on the phone & she has experience of counselling spouses of people with HFA. I’m so looking forward to just talking, with no judgement. .

Hope you’re all doing well

[themostinterestinglife]

I post sporadically, but lurk constantly. So pleased we have this space. I divorced my husband just over two years ago because his behavior was so unsafe for myself and my child to be around, his parenting (or inability to) became a child protection issue. Now, child (early teen) and I are going from strength to strength and totally embracing the freedoms that we now have. After processing the anger and grief at the ending of the family unit, child and I have built a great life for ourselves and are much happier. Sending much support to those of you struggling and trying to find a way through.

[Moffa]

@themostinterestinglife thank you you give me hope xx

[AutisticHedgehog]

It is really important to note the following:

1. The opinions and views of autistic people and being in a relationship with such people on this thread are not necessarily representative of every NT/ASD relationship.
   

1. Many of the posters on the previous threads had self-diagnosed their partners. Autism diagnosis is not straightforward due to overlapping traits with other conditions - so in some cases autism will not be the correct diagnosis. Of course in some cases it may well be.
   

1. "High-functioning autism" - HFA - means someone has an IQ of over 70. It does not mean they are extremely clever.
   

1. It is important to remember that autism is a disability. To get a diagnosis of Asperger's or ASD you need to have suffered a clinically significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
   

1. There is no connection between Asperger's and violence.
   

1. Abusive people are just that - abusive people. There can be many reasons why someone can be abusive. Autistic people can be abusive and neurotypical people can be abusive. No abuse is right, ever.
   

Thank you.

[themostinterestinglife]

You're welcome Moffa. It was heart-wrenching to come to the realization that my ex was never going to be able to provide what I considered essential ingredients for either marriage or parenting - mainly, a safe environment where basic needs were met. I gave it everything I had, to try and help him to parent, but he just can't. There came a point where my teen and I had to accept that and move on; we adopted the attitude that yes, this is a sad and horrible and unfair set of circumstances, because her father didn't ask to have Asperger's, but fact is he does, and he can't parent. So daughter and I have just cracked on and thrown ourselves into all the best parts of life (sports, friendships, travel, education opportunities) and we have a fab life! Hang in there xxx

[MadAboutWands]

@MichaeMumsnet

Thank you for that comment
ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong

I’m very happy to see that thread carrying on.

[Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon]

Thanks for the new thread OP.
Moffa hope you are having a better day today. Good news on the counsellor!
Themost that's good to read, that you have a.better life now.

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

I had to take time out because things have been really hard with my Aspie partner.

Really hard.

Because of Aspergers. Because of the traits that come with this particular diagnosed condition. A condition that exists, not because I don't like things he does, not because we think differently, but because he is physically and officially incapable of understanding why people are upset, reading social cues and dealing with change.

Not because he's a horrible person.

I'm so glad we have these threads.

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

I'm really wondering Autistichedgehog why you are still here. You have been policing these threads since the beginning. I don't know what happened on the last thread to make it explode, so I'm not referring to whatever happened - i don't know if you were involved. You are very fast to give us a list of rules on this thread though.

So, I am wondering why you feel the need to constantly be here to remind us how to speak, remind us what a diagnosis is and remind us that not everybody is the same. We know that. Thank you. So what exactly is it you're here for? Because your last post wasn't supportive, and these threads are for supporting NT partners of people with Aspergers/HFA.

[Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon]

MNHQ email to me about the last thread said to report any concerns to them, so that's what I'll be doing!

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Hi everyone,

I've been quiet for a while. We had an incident a while back which was caused by his relationship to alcohol. All's well, and he's away this week which is probably good for us. We have a life plan we're putting into action this month - the odds of it coming to anything are minimal. If it does work out, it'll be between amazing and a WTF moment.

[MichaelMumsnet]

Hi all.
Just a gentle reminder...
Please don't rehash last night's fallouts.. This thread is a chance to reset and hopefully share experiences and get some support.
If you're worried about any posts, then please do report them and we'll take a look.

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

If anybody knows where the private, safe place is to discuss things like this (our lives) please PM me.

[ShiteheadRevisited]

Hello all, glad to have a new thread for those of us that need it.

I've been a bit quiet too, I go from wanting to love and protect my DH, commit to my marriage vows and keep my family together, to wondering if I can live the rest of my life without an emotional connection and unprompted kindness from my other half. I still don't have the answer to this, but I've now had a second session with a counsellor who specialises in partners of ASD people. She, combined with this thread have really helped my stay sane and give me comfort that I'm not alone.
If anyone wants my counsellor's details, message me and I'll happily send them.

to you all.

[MadAboutWands]

I keep going in and out if those threads too. I name change regularly (as a matter of fact, nit because of any particular thread) which doesn’t help either.

I think I’ve reached a point where I don’t care anymore.
The love I had has disappeared. Death by a 1000 cuts really.
It’s a shame because this is the exact moment H has decided to make an effort.
The same issues are there (like the inability to communicate or him not realising some stuff are not acceptable for the dcs to do) but at least the grumpyness and the refusal to see that he doesn’t trump everything (also called our family life revolves around him, his interest and his needs only) have lessen/gone.
It’s too little too late though.

[MadAboutWands]

The one thing that is interesting though is that things improved when I stopped making any allowances for his ‘issues’.
Stopped solving problems for him, giving him answers or protecting him form making mistakes. All of which HE was asking btw. What shall I do with what is left form dinner? was a good example.
Now the only time I intervene is when the dcs are involved and he wants them to do something that is really not safe for them.

Learning by experience has always been the best way for H to learn. Otherwise, whatever I say is wrong because his default position is to not trust me (even for very trivial things)

[Xichuensis]

Learning by experience has always been the best way for H to learn. Otherwise, whatever I say is wrong because his default position is to not trust me (even for very trivial things)

I thought it was just my dh who was like this. For ages it made me feel like he thought I was stupid because he would never trust that I knew what I was talking about, even for like you say very trivial things. I leave him to figure it out himself now too. It stops me from feeling stupid and he never listened me anyway so it was a waste of every ones energy. He does still ask sometimes but I try to bat it back to him.

[Misty9]

@ShiteheadRevisited I go from wanting to love and protect my DH, commit to my marriage vows and keep my family together, to wondering if I can live the rest of my life without an emotional connection and unprompted kindness from my other half

This exactly describes my dilemma. I'm heartened to hear counselling is helping as dh and I are at the point of splitting but giving counselling another go with someone experienced in ASD (dh is diagnosed). Where abouts in the UK are you? What do you find most helpful about the counselling?

My head is a mess

[Misty9]

Flowers?! I meant to put symptom of said mess...

[Heatherheathers]

Hello everyone. Good to see the new thread.

I keep chipping in with these threads may well have saved my marriage.
Someone asked me on the last thread how I thought the next year might go?

I think it depends. We are rediscovering a love of walking together now that the kids are older. We can chat or be quiet. Sometimes I do ask DH if we can be quiet for a bit after he has been especially intense about special interest.

Some of the hardest times are trying to do damage limitation if kids and him clash. It’s really hard. School refusing DC was really stressed yesterday. DH tried to say that it would be OK but then said, “You’re not in Syria.” If I intervene DH can get really stroppy because I have undermined him in front of kids. But I can’t let some things wait until later because kid with school anxiety needs to hear that I am really on their side .

It’s hard having to deal with kids’ anxieties and then DH’s anxiety about their anxiety.

Kids have combinations of the following (properly diagnosed) - dyspraxia, dyslexia, anxiety, sensory issues, ADHD, ASD so it is hard when they clash with each other or DH.