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He lashed out at me

(25 Posts)
ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:23:58

For a while now I have been concerned about the amount of alcohol my husband has been drinking. He throws himself with a passion into anything he enjoys and this seems to have started to be the case with drinking. On social occasions he seemed to get really, really drunk. At first I thought I was just noticing it more as I am pregnant and so therefore not drinking at all. But then I started to feel a little on edge around him as although he was happy drunk he seemed to get loud and just a little aggressive around the edges with his language. Nothing sinister, just a bit ?oh fuck him, bollocks? type of aggressive language.

I spoke to him about it and nothing really seemed to happen but I continued to be concerned. He?d get in late from being out and still pour himself a glass of wine when he got in. He drinks wine every night, which we did together before this pregnancy, but he was getting through a least 1 bottle each night every night and bringing a glass to bed with him.

My concerns were confirmed last week.

We went out for the day with friends and he began drinking, along with everyone else, at about 1.30. We got home at 7.30 that evening. He was drunk but fine. He had another couple of glasses and then at about 10 went to bed. I was trying to watch a film in bed and his almost instant snoring got so loud that I tried to stop him by moving the pillow a bit. He?d stop for a while and then continue. Anyway at some point I moved his arm to stop the snoring and he thrashed out, in his sleep, but he caught me just above the bump. It scared me and more through shock than anything else I cried. I pushed his arm and said ?what on earth are you doing, you?ve just hit me? to which he lashed out again and caught me again. I was so shocked and sort of shook his shoulder and said ?hey, what the hell are you doing stop? and got a load of verbal abuse from him. I was so upset that I threw a glass of water over him to make him come to and realise what he was doing. As I did this he jumped up, I jumped up and out of the bed and he absolutely flew at me with his fists and had me in the corner of the bedroom and was punching me in the side of my head, by my ear.

I was in shock and pain and totally in a mess, shaking, crying and saying ?what have you done, oh no what have you done??. I asked him to leave, either the house or at least the bedroom. He said no, I kept on and he wouldn?t. I said I?d phone someone if he didn?t leave and as he still refused I reached for the phone. He snatched it out of my hand and pulled it out of the wall, pulling over my bedside table and it?s contents at the same time.

I was so scared I ran for the door, down the stairs and called the police.

By the time they arrived we had both calmed right down and he had sobered up with the shock of it all.

The police left after I told them that it was ok, that he had lashed out in his sleep and I was ok.

He slept on the sofa that night.

The next day he stayed off work as he said he felt sick at what he had done. He apologised, said that he would never drink like that again, he doesn?t know how or why it happened, he doesn?t remember why or how it started, that he was sickened by himself, etc etc.

Since then he has drunk only juice, apart from when a friend came over and they shared just 1 bottle between them.

I?m not sure how I feel, what I?m supposed to feel. Can I believe it?s a one off? Do I hope it is and carry on as normal? What if it happens again? I have no idea what is going on, what I do, what the future holds.

UCM Fri 06-Jul-07 23:30:37

Where to start, to begin with, you say he was drinking heavily and as a bit of a drinker myself, I have been known to thrash around in my sleep. DH does it and he doesn't even drink. Perhaps the pregnancy is on his mind, money problems and all the stuff that a partner faces with a new child on the way.

I have to say, that if someone threw cold water on me I would be a bit shocked too, but THAT DOESN'T excuse his behaviour. I am glad that he has calmed his drinking down since then. How long have you been with him?

ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:36:14

The water throwing was not wonderful on my part and tbh I didn't realise he was so drunk and not really awake.

We have been married for 6 years, together for 12 in total.

RedTartanLass Fri 06-Jul-07 23:39:24

Oh no, how terrible, terrible. I can almost forgive lashing out in his sleep but punching a terrifed, pregnant woman cowering in a corner. OMG I'd take this as a warning. He has to get some sort of counselling if he refuses, then I would suggest get out now, while you can. These things are rarely one offs. Thinking of you and hope you get some other wiser Mners posting suggestions.

RedTartanLass Fri 06-Jul-07 23:40:51

Been together 12 years and he's never done anything like this before?

moo Fri 06-Jul-07 23:40:57

You don't say much about your relationship before the pregnancy - other than that it was usual for you to drink wine together. I'm guessing from the shock that comes across in your post that he has never done anything like this before. Was his drinking a cause for concern before you were pregnant?

I can almost get my head around this being a one off, booze-fuelled event for which he is truly sorry. The initial lashing out could be put down to being drunk and disorientated. But not the punching your head - he surely had "come to" by then.

But the thing that worries me most is that you were uncomfortable before this happened - "But then I started to feel a little on edge around him". So this wasn't entirely out of the blue - even though the extent of the violence was unanticipated.

It also worries me that he hasn't been able to give up drinking, despite what he did - sharing a bottle with a friend is surely the start of a slippery slope?

I don't know what to advise you. I'm getting that this is your first child? I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him again. I don't think I would if he wasn't serious about giving up drinking.

I'm sorry - you really are caught between a rock and a hard place.

bananabump Fri 06-Jul-07 23:45:02

Bloody hell! God that sounds awful! how long ago did this happen?

Well, it DOES sound drink related, and I'm glad he's shocked at himself, but I doubt he'll stop drinking altogether, he's more likely to just stop for a while then start again slowly, thinking it won't happen again.

I'm really shocked he did that to you while you are pregnant (or at all) he sounds like he was in a blind rage, what is his temper like normall, without drink?

I feel so sorry for you, it must be really confusing and scary trying to live normally alongside him after such a horrible incident. Have you spoke to him about it since? What is the atmosphere like in the house?

<<<hugs>>> Hope you feel better soon, it was a horrible thing to go through.

Mhamai Fri 06-Jul-07 23:45:54

I'm sorry but all I'm going to say on this is that I would be extremly concerned that he has so casually gone back to drinking in light of what he has done to you albeit it only being half a bottle, how long before he's back to a full bottle?

I'd nip this in the bud but I fear this has been brewing for longer than you realise. Hitting you like that is not on. It may sound cliched but I'd suggest counselling and him quitting drinking now!

ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:50:04

He's never hit me before no. I've pushed him and he's pushed me back in past rows but never punched me.

I think he drinks too much. I think when he does drink out socially he really goes for it rather than just enjoy a nice drink.

We have a 4 year old son together already.

Not sure about anything, feel like my name suggests.

madamez Fri 06-Jul-07 23:50:57

You poor thing. As others have said, this may have been a drunken error (I would probably lash out if someone poured water over me while I was asleep, especially if pissed) but the fact that he went on attacking you is more worrying. Unfortunately, some people, particularly when they are developing a substance abuse problem, resort to violence once and find that they quite like it (just like dogs who bite people and can't quite be trusted again) or at least find it a good way of dealing with their own feelings. If you feel that he merits another chance, give him one more chance but in the meantime, make emergency plans in your head for how to get him out of the hosue if it happens again.

ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:52:30

It happened a week ago.

He says he won't give up drinking but says he'll never get drunk like that again as this can never happen again.

mummytosteven Fri 06-Jul-07 23:52:41

agree with madmamez. it's down to you to feel whether you can put up with the fear of another incident, and give him another chance, or whether you want out now. I'm a bit unimpressed if he only managed less than a week without alcohol despite all the supposed contriteness.

ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:54:45

I feel a bit better that you're not all screaming at me 'get out now, take your son, and don't look back'. Still feel weird and worried but better for having got it off my chest and calmer now you're all being so calm and fair.

Mhamai Fri 06-Jul-07 23:54:45

Darling you need support and love, you have one child and one on the way, you don't need potentially three children in this relationship! I'm sorry and this must be a really distressing time but don't make the mistake of fluffing this over and going into denial and hoping for the best, confront him with the truth, ie, how you are not happy with his drinking etc. Suggest couples counselling, because if your marriage is to have a fighting chance this needs to be adressed sooner rather than later. Thinking of you at this difficult time. x

ShockedStunned Fri 06-Jul-07 23:57:12

Thank you all and I think you raise fair points in regard to his having had a drink again already. I know I can't fluff this over and pretend it didn't happen, just not sure what to do and how to take it forward but I will have a think about that.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Sat 07-Jul-07 00:06:25

Your pregnant

You have a four year old son

Your partner is violent when drunk

He refuses to give up drinking


If he loves you then he would not risk it happening again.He needs to get a grip and go to AA and sort himself out.

Dont take any chances.I cannot believe he would punch a pregnant woman.

I am so so sorry for you,but you must be strong and MAKE him face upto what he did,no excuses

Boredveryverybored Sat 07-Jul-07 00:08:09

I think if after 12 years he has never done anything like this before I would be happy to try and work on any problems with him. But and its a big but he has to be 100% with you on it. Just because he's never done it before doesnt mean he never will again and it would seem that the drinking is the trigger.
Having a baby is a massive change and he will be going through things of his own to do with that. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did to you though. Lashing out in his sleep..well he didnt know he was doing that, but what came afterwards must have been terrifying and is absolutely unforgivable.
Its a good sign that hes appalled by what he's done, but that in itself is not enough. He needs to show that he's working at why it happened at not letting it happen again.

Good luck, and I really hope everything works out for you


UCM Sat 07-Jul-07 01:03:34

Sorry, I just want to add that I hadn't read your OP properly. I didn't realised that he punched you, I thought it was beside your ear, the wall . Not that it makes much difference.

Yep, agree that he needs to stop drinking for a good while really.

incanada Sat 07-Jul-07 03:29:10

hello shockedstunned i'm so sorry that this happened to you. i know that the incidence of physical abuse/assault is much higher during a pregnancy because it is a time of so much stress, much of it unvoiced (is that a word?). many men who have never hit their wives/partners do it for the first time during pregnancy.

i truly hope that his was a one-off but please be careful. hope for the best but prepare for the worst and sort out an escape plan for yourself and your ds.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 07-Jul-07 07:48:14

If you are not happy with his drinking and I think you are correct to be concerned then I would seek help for your own self from Al-anon. He cannot or will not give up drink just on your say so and infact he has stated he will not give up drinking.

I would take a cold and long hard look at your relationship; you may well find that you have hidden from your own self the true extent of the problems.

The violence shown towards you is extremely worrying and I'm sorry to say this but having done this once he could likely do it again. So he showed apparant remorse after he attacked you did he - big deal. Many such violent men do. He should have been arrested and spent a night in the cells; I think you may have downplayed the incident to the police out of a sense of shame (misplaced on your part)and embarrassment. Do not yourself downplay or deny what has happened; if you gloss over this it will do you no favours.

I would also suggest contacting Womens Aid. They can also advise you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 07-Jul-07 07:52:18

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 07-Jul-07 07:59:13

Shocked stunned,

Re your comment:-
"He's never hit me before no. I've pushed him and he's pushed me back in past rows but never punched me".

So there has been violence before now. Another red flag. You don't count pushing as hitting/ violent - oh how wrong you are, it is. Sorry but this is violent behaviour and now he's taken to hitting you in the stomach and face. It has escalated as such domestic violence often does.

He also has a drink problem; drinks to excess and has no intention of stopping. Would you yourself describe him as an alcoholic?.

Presumably as well your 4 year old has heard the problems between you two. What are you teaching this person?.

FlamingTomatoes Sat 07-Jul-07 08:04:30

Your four year old is watching and learning how to be a daddy from this sort of behavior. I KNOW that is not a comfortable thought. I have experienced being battered while pregnant with a second child, and i hoped des[erately that once I wasn't pregnant any more he would be too scared to batter me again(he wasn't a big man).

It didn't happen like that - he carried on pushing, shoving, throwing thigs.

It didn't stop.

And on the last occasion I threw him out.

I totally understand not wanting to be pregant and alone - especially with number two. And he could be such a lovely man.

But the chances are he will hit you again, and again, and again, because drunk or not, that taboo has gone for him.

I threw my ex out when he hit me in front of my 4 year old. Please try not to let it go this far. I know that you feel almost fraudulant in asking for help, because 99.98% of the time, you are not a battered woman, and you have not been badly injured.

Women's Aid are there for 100% of the time, not just that 0.02% what you are cowering on the floor thinking "Fucking Hell, is he going to stop? Will he stop this time?"

lillypie Sat 07-Jul-07 08:04:57

Alcohol is not a cause of domestic violence,but what it does do is lower the inhibitions of someone who already has these traits.
Pregnancy and childbirth are often triggers for violent behaviour in men who have these traits.
I echo the advice of Attila,take a look at what really goes on in your relationship and contact WOMENS AID or REFUGE for advice

purplepoppet Sat 07-Jul-07 09:06:40

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time SS. This is an awful situation and as hard as it is, you need to take control NOW! No second chances at this stage, his done the dirty deed and from what I've read it doesn't sound like he's taking this seriously enough!! If you do nothing about this, it will happen again because he thinks you will forgive him again...I am extremely concerned that he doesn't think this is important enough for him to give up the drinking..I'm sorry, but that just speaks volumes

If I were you I would separate (even just temporarily) - for the sake of yourself and your children. Show him that you will not tolerate this behaviour and that enough is enough. Then it is down to him to get counselling and stop drinking. Then, and only then, if he sorts himself out you possibily consider a reconciliation.

You will then be showing him how serious this is and that you are not going to put up with it.

I know its easier said than down, but nip this in the bud NOW! You don't deserve this at all!

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