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DH and his sex mags/porn and internet sites

(11 Posts)
chrisis Thu 05-Jul-07 12:12:36

Hi, I have read a few other messages posted by people going through far worse but had to see if anyone else thought this to be hurtful...
I have found over the past year, several printouts from escort agencies and just last night a bag of about 10 mags and dvds from a trip to europe dh took last week.
Now please don't think of me as prudish, we have many dvds and mags (now locked away out of ds's reach!) and have a very enjoyable and rampant sex life, however the escort thing is new and he signed up to a couple of sites when I was pregnant (I didn't know about it and found the printouts when he was in America - I felt devastated ). He says that it is purely for fantasy and he would never pay for sex and sorry, he wouldn't want to lose us etc etc... then did it again!!!
The mags and dvds I probably wouldn't mind about, but with everything else and the volume of them - hidden in the back of his car too makes my stomach ache.
Am I being silly?

Wisteria Thu 05-Jul-07 12:23:30


No, you're not being silly, I'd be horrified and extremely hurt especially as your own sex life seems much healthier than the majority of new parents.
Do you know why he needs this extra input; fantasy or not?

chrisis Thu 05-Jul-07 12:52:15

Don't really know, to be honest Wisteria.
He is stressed at work at the moment - long hours and demanding role, but then many people have that and I am back to work soon and don't plan to spend a whole lot of money (also annoyed me ) on porn and find a male escort - in fact it wouldn't even cross my mind as I am generally happy, content and love what we have.
He just said it was for fantasy.

Wisteria Thu 05-Jul-07 12:58:01

Am not an expert but I know some men seem to need the fantasy lark to keep interested. I think what he has done is wrong but you seem to accept a certain amount - ie mags and porn etc. I don't object to the odd film etc either but would be furious about the escort thing.
Could you 'playact' being the escort, meet in a bar etc if he really needs this kind of thing?

chrisis Thu 05-Jul-07 13:08:50

Well, you made me giggle - not sure I could without laughing and/or feeling a little sordid - but it does mean I would get paid!!! .
The thing is though, it is the whole secrecy around it all and I have caught him lying to me about a few things. It is just worrying me that he is hiding this and what it could lead to - He says he would never cheat on me and I do believe him, but why the lies and the secrecy?
Off to visit work for a couple of hours, but will check the threads again soon.

Wisteria Thu 05-Jul-07 13:12:37

I couldn't do it either, but the being paid bit is quite appealing! I get the feeling you may be more upset about this than you initially appeared - maybe a good long sit down with a bottle of wine between you (or 2) and try to get a proper explanation about why he does it?
Catch you later - must get on with something!

chrisis Fri 06-Jul-07 10:42:28

Well, we had a chat over a G&T and all better - thanks for the advice Wisteria He has stopped looking at the escort sites - he said now I know it doesn't excite him as much!!! but also because he saw how upset I was, so that is good. We had a chat about the porn stuff and have decided that because of ds, our priorities and mindset have changed more than we had realised (we feel mightily responsible now - oh boy what a change!) and set about clearing out the majority of it - I have a feeling the bin men are going to have a great weekend!
Neither of us have really fully grasped how life changing having a babe is - but we are getting there . Thanks again.

Wisteria Fri 06-Jul-07 12:29:33

Glad you're feeling better honey x

You don't need to get rid of it all you know, a bit of spice keeps it alive so they say, I think the mistake me and my xdh and new dp (yes I've made the same mistake twice )made was trying to be 'all responsible'. It just needs to be something you do together rather than a solitary occupation IMO.

oliviaelanasmum Fri 06-Jul-07 17:55:50

Hi Chrisis i havent posted on here before but i read your post and im going through exatcly the same thing @ the moment with dp. Im 30 weeks pregnant and have just been slapped with a £100 phone bill which he has run up on sex lines!
If you want to chat i am here.

madamez Fri 06-Jul-07 21:00:07

I would say he probably behaved like this with the 'shock' of new parenthood. It sounds like you have a good relationship in general though, so not much to worry about. But don't make the mistake of thinking that parenthood means you have to get rid of all your erotic entertainment and you can't ever have fun again - while there may be times where one or the other of you is less interested in sex due to stress, tiredness, whatever, don't give up on enjoyably filthy sex just because you think that 'proper' parents only do it in the missionary position with the lights out.

chrisis Tue 10-Jul-07 22:59:57

Damn, I was just getting used to looking at that crack in the ceiling too, and I am going to have to chase after the dustmen to get my bits back .
oliviaelanasmum, I am beginning to calm down now about the whole thing but it was and is a shock - at least they are playing harmlessly at the end of the day, although it still feels like more. How are you feeling being so close?

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