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Relationships

Is this behaviour sexual abuse?

34 replies

Pinkypie22 · 16/02/2019 03:31

Can't believe I'm .about to type this. I have another thread on here and I'm currently making plans to get my boyfriend out the house. Since posting I've been forced to really be honest with myself about his behaviour and there is something that is really bugging me.

I think he is trying to get me pregnant again. I assume he thinks that will mean that I won't kick him out. I say this because I'm always very clear about the fact I don't want unprotected sex and that I don't want another baby at the moment. He says he doesn't like condoms and keeps asking 'can I just put it in for a second?' Sometimes I back down (I know that is entirely on me) partly because I'm so grateful that he is being nice to me (though I realise pressuring me into something i don't want isn't actually nice at all) and partly so i dont trigger one of his moods and because I believe him when he says just for a second. (Yes i know. Im an idiot) The times I do back down I always reiterate the fact he isn't to cum inside me but he does anyway. Without any warning. Then of course he claims it was an accident. I'm no longer sleeping with him as I learnt my lesson. He has said 'jokingly' that he will go elsewhere. I'm never sure If he is joking or not. Which of course helps with my decision to give into him.

We have a young baby and I kind of feel that I ended up getting pregnant because he broke down my 'no unprotected sex' rule in various ways until it just became the norm. Even though I didn't actually want to risk getting pregnant. He would be so affectionate and tell me his much he loved me and couldn't wait to marry me and wanted me to have his baby. He would tell me this over and over until I started to fall for the idea. He would push it a little further each time until we stopped using condoms. Sometimes he did pull out. Sometimes he didn't even if I asked him to. I know how stupid this sounds. He is a master manipulator. Very charming (When he wants something) and very confident. And I fell for it as I wanted the fairy tale happy ending. Another chance at being a family. Getting married again. I had no idea he was actually a crack addict and was as high as a kite when he was saying these things to me. I know ultimately it was my responsibility to make sure i didn't get pregnant, there's just something about it all that makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
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FannyFifer · 16/02/2019 03:35

Why are you not on the pill or other contraception?

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Pinkypie22 · 16/02/2019 03:40

I tried the pill a long time ago and didn't get on with it. Since been told that I can't take hormonal contraception so my choices are more limited.

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Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 03:42

It's coercion, and its wrong and that's why it feels wrong.

If it quacks....its a duck

And no, its not funny, its a very real horrible threat designed to control you into having sex, his way. You don't agree, you never wanted that, and made it clear, he continually overrode you on that and wore you down, kept on and on. That's how your OP reads, and it says coercion.

He's probably exhausted you wth his continual pestering for condom free sex combined with the threats tongo elsewhere.

I would be calling his bluff and telling him that's exactly what he should do if he thinks so little of you that he could just shag any women the filthy slag he is, and to be sure not to come back too!

Tbh, this kind of behaviour in someone would raise suspicions that he already does shag around and thinks very little of women generally.

Taking away your contraception choices is abuse. Get yourself on the pill quick and hide it from him whilst you work out your future life plans. I would be getting std checks also.

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Justagirlwholovesaboy · 16/02/2019 03:44

So sorry you are going through this op, it’s abuse yes, and you are already preparing for separation which is brilliant. Sexual abuse would be him forcing you to have sexual relations against your will or without you being in a position to consent or failing to stop if you withdrew that consent. Only you can answer whether this is the case. However regardless he is abusive and you should get him out of your life asap

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Pinkypie22 · 16/02/2019 03:45

Yes I plan to go and get checked as I don't believe that he hasn't cheated.

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Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 03:46

I see you have issues with the pill/hormone contraceptives. There are different forms of hormonal contraception so investigate them and the coil.

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Pinkypie22 · 16/02/2019 03:53

Justagirlwholovesaboy i feel that im giving conditional consent, which he agrees to then ignores. And the conditional consent is given reluctantly. And after he will tell me that I want to have another baby with him anyway so basically no harm done.

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Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 03:59

He sexually forceful, coercive, its all very eeerggh! He doesn't really care what you want or think, based on his actions OP.


Take care, and get rid.

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MMM3 · 16/02/2019 05:20

That isn’t really “conditional consent.”

I think your point of reference is “stealthing,” which is consenting to protected sex, but then the protection is removed without your knowledge. That is increasingly being recognized as sexual assault.

You’re consenting to the sex and the removal of the condom. What you aren’t consenting to is his orgasm, but that isn’t within your... control? such that you would need to consent to his orgasm in order for it to be consensual.

What he’s doing is reproductive coercion, which is it’s own thing, definitely abusive, and a very good reason to get away, it just isn’t a sexual assault.

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thefirst48 · 16/02/2019 06:14

If your ending things with him then don't have sea simple.

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Bess78 · 16/02/2019 06:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2019 06:23

It sounds like he's been cajoling and coercing you into unprotected sex. Do you even want the sex at all? He sounds like a knob. How quickly are you leaving him? End it as soon as possible

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AlexaAmbidextra · 16/02/2019 06:35

How is he trying to get you pregnant if, as you say, you are no longer sleeping with him?

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ihatethecold · 16/02/2019 07:15

Alexa. Why not just support the op instead of questioning her ??

Op, there’s lots of posters on here that can advise and support you. It’s really hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of an abusive relationship.
Have you heard of the freedom program at all?

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Closetbeanmuncher · 16/02/2019 08:58

This sounds terrible op Flowers

How far are you along with getting out and what's the housing situation?

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category12 · 16/02/2019 09:06

You need to get the coil or something if this is still happening.

Good relationships don't feel like a seige.

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AlexaAmbidextra · 16/02/2019 09:19

Alexa. Why not just support the op instead of questioning her ??

ihatethecold. I asked for clarification as I didn’t understand. And while we’re at it, who made you the fucking thread police who decides what we can or can’t say?

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Bobbycat121 · 16/02/2019 09:26

I really dont understand why you wouldnt get a coil or something. What he is doing isnt right but either leave or actually try to prevent yourself from becoming pregnant.

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ihatethecold · 16/02/2019 12:18

Whatever.
Your post came across as trying to catch her out.
What happened to giving support to someone who clearly needs it?

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differentnameforthis · 16/02/2019 13:42

He says he doesn't like condoms and keeps asking 'can I just put it in for a second?' Sometimes I back down ... partly because I'm so grateful that he is being nice to me ... and partly so i dont trigger one of his moods and because I believe him when he says just for a second... I always reiterate the fact he isn't to cum inside me but he does anyway.

Op if you are relenting to sex of any kind to "keep the peace" you are NOT consenting. Therefore yes, this is sexual assault/rape.

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differentnameforthis · 16/02/2019 13:43

Why are you not on the pill or other contraception? - @FannyFifer

op is being sexually abused and your first question is about her contraceptive choices?? Please.

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differentnameforthis · 16/02/2019 13:47

You’re consenting to the sex and the removal of the condom She isn't consenting at all. She is relenting. Relenting isn't consenting.

Condom, no condom she isn't consenting at all.

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SpoonBlender · 16/02/2019 14:54

If it helps you to sort it out in your mind, this behaviour - agreeing to sex sex with a condom then going bareback - is illegal and arrestable in Sweden and comes to court as rape or sexual molestation.

Plus you're being coerced in the first place. This guy is a rapey shit and you must LTB.

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Pinkypie22 · 16/02/2019 18:12

This is the one bit I haven't really wanted to admit to myself, for various reasons. Thank you for giving me some perspective

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Maelstrop · 16/02/2019 20:08

Whose name is the house in? Why on earth are you letting him do this to you?

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