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Debt and my husband have fucked our future

(365 Posts)
Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 22:57:00

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

Weenurse Fri 15-Feb-19 22:58:57

4 secret cards, what does he spend the money on?

Lollypop701 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:01:51

How much is the debt?

PersonaNonGarter Fri 15-Feb-19 23:02:57

What did he spend it on? Can you sell whatever areas bought?

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:02:58

They are old cards (apart from 1) i knew about them years ago but he said he did balance tranfers so i assumed they had gone. Some have had no activity (apart from minimum payment being paid) i 3 years

HollowTalk Fri 15-Feb-19 23:04:13

That's a terrible betrayal. What was he spending it on? How much does he owe?

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:05:06

Well, i thought we were in 14k which we could manage...
We are now in 21

I feel truly sad

Weenurse Fri 15-Feb-19 23:05:18

How much is on them?
Do you have things around the house that you can sell to pay down the debt?
Like his car?

TheInvestigator Fri 15-Feb-19 23:06:14

If you're staying with him, then now you've both got a chance to make a plan to pay it off.

How much is it and how much can you afford in payments each month if you cut your budget right down?

If you simply can't afford to pay it off like that then call step change and get some help.

Theyellowsquare Fri 15-Feb-19 23:06:52

I don't suppose he had ppi on them? I had a similar debt hungover from a divorce 😳 i just paid the minimum. I got over 22k back. Not a ppi salesman btw, I filled in a form o my high street bank's website and got paid a few months later. Debt free now grin

Weenurse Fri 15-Feb-19 23:10:05

Go through every wardrobe and take out clothes not worn in last year and sell those.
Does he have toys like play station or Xbox, sell those.
Go through cupboards and sell everything you don’t use.
That should get some money to start with.
Take all of his cards off him and cut them up.
Go to the lenders and see if you can get a payment plan.
Set up a budget and stick to it.
If he is this rubbish with money, give him a daily or weekly allowance.
Good luck

Norrisskipjack Fri 15-Feb-19 23:11:19

Is it in just his name or both of yours?

I know how hard it is, but you need to think practically, not emotionally right now. Can you not manage to still do the IVF? £14k of unsecured debt is still enormous, how much additional will the IVF add? Could you not continue with that and pay it all off once you’re off maternity leave?

If you can afford the payments on £14k and still add IVF on top as additional debt, plus get credit for the IVF assuming the lender would know about your husbands additional debt, what’s changed by you knowing?

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:19:53

We have 2 cars, his is on its way out... Mine is worth about 4K but its on HP which runs out in November.
He has a drone which he got through very, still not paid for! I also have a pretty expensive camera so looks like they will have to be sold (he will refuse im sure)

I wish i found out about this later so we could have gone through with the treatment but we were putting it on the CC anyway. It was costing us 2400 as our cycled failed miserably in November and the clinic owed us money because of that. Plus we had a few freebies with the clinic too.
If we get accepted onto the IVA we were planning to go on (as from today, been to CAB for advise) we would be restricted to bare minimum to live on.
We cant even afford to buy my son a new bed if we go for another baby now... no school trips nothing. I cant do that to him, its not fair.

What a pigging mess.
I have work in the morning, DS is ill, i cant sleep, havent eaten, puffy eyes from crying so much

Bananalanacake Fri 15-Feb-19 23:30:20

Does he know what the debt is for. Is it mostly interest. Are you sure he's not gambling.

PersonaNonGarter Fri 15-Feb-19 23:32:05

WHAT DID HE SPEND IT ON

PurpleWithRed Fri 15-Feb-19 23:33:35

Are you sure you want another baby with this man anyway?

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:33:38

3 of the CC's havent been used in 3 years. The 4th has been used to live on. We have been living a lifestyle that apparently we couldnt afford... odd meal, drinks etc... news to me!
No gambling... but alot of paypal payments on his bank statementd which ive investigated and its all Ebay shit! (

FollowYourOwnNorthStar Fri 15-Feb-19 23:33:46

Smidgen15 what is your partner saying about all this? Obviously he’s known about it all this time. How did it come out now and what’s his plan to deal with it? Put him on the spot and get answers!

Also, run some kind of credit check. I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t all of the debt.

flowers for you. You don’t deserve this.

nettie434 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:42:01

So sorry to read this Smidgen15. It must be so hard, especially with wanting to fund the IVF. Saw you mentioned an IVA. They can be quite inflexible, which can be hard if you can’t keep up the payments for any reason. Have you tried StepChange? www.stepchange.org/ They can hap you contact creditors too. Hoping things get better and your husband realises that things need to change.

Weenurse Fri 15-Feb-19 23:43:17

Agree with running credit check.
Go through statements and see where your money is going then budget.
My DB is so shit with money SIL gives him a daily allowance.
When we had DD1 money was so tight that we had an extra $20 a week each to spend. This generally went on food as we always ran out.
I ended up going back to work early from mat leave so we could pay the bills. I also picked up extra shifts when DH was home to care for DD1.
Can he get a second job in the evening to help pay debt down?

Weenurse Fri 15-Feb-19 23:43:58

Also cancel eBay account

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:44:51

He is very upset. He cried down the phone to me earlier. He is so sensitive.
He says he didnt want to tell me cos he was scared too.. at one point he thought he could sort it but i had to change jobs and take a lower wage which put more pressure on him.
He doesnt know what to do and it pretty much relying on me to make the decision.

He really wants to do Ivf still but how? If we do this it means no school trips for my son, nothing. I cant even afford to but him a bed ffs!
If we went bankrupt then potentially we could do treatment as by the time i give birth, the bankruptcy would be over but i cant make that kind of decision in 2 weeks (the IVF is now or never as i need to get the debt sorted)
How can i bring a 2nd baby into poverty?
How am i going live my life regret free and not blaming my husband for all of this?

RandomMess Fri 15-Feb-19 23:46:32

Tell him to quit crying, start selling and stop buying if he's serious about you wanting to do IVF!

feliciabirthgiver Fri 15-Feb-19 23:47:38

So sorry for what you are going through, I had the same with my ex.

I can really recommend the charity Step Change, they sorted out a Debt Management Plan with our creditors and were supportive and non-judgemental.

Smidgen15 Fri 15-Feb-19 23:48:00

Husband works nights and up until jan, had regular OT until they have cut it.

I wouldnt even know where to begin with budgetting as ive worked out after all his debts, he is left with £100 and out of that he need fuel.
I know of stepchange and heard of payplan.
He could go on a DMP but if all his creditors add interest, it turns it from a 21K debt, to 30k!

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