Am I expecting too much of my kids father?

[hadabadday]

Very brief background - me and kids dad split up 3 years ago, he moved out, we remained friends and agreed he would have the kids every weekend.

First he moved into a flat and said he couldn't look after the kids as he couldn't afford to buy them a bed, after a few months he bough air beds and let them sleep over but not every weekend, he changed it to every fortnight.

Then he got together with a married woman with a violent husband, she moved in with him and her nutty husband was always on the phone to ex threatning etc so he decided that the kids couldn't stay there until the situation had died down...personally I thought his kids should come before her but hey..

Anyway current situation, he and his girlfriend and her 3 kids moved into a 4 bedroomed house, the arrangement stayed the same where our kids would go and stay there every fortnight but the kids hate it, he plonks them in front of the TV all weekend and expects them to be ok, they can't even play on the playstation as her kids are always on it, they live right next door to a huge park with a lake and everything yet he won't take them. When I "suggested" that he take them there to stop them getting bored he decided he would take them when his girlfriends kids wanted to go , her youngest son is 11 so I think ex finds him easier to cope with as he's into football and thats it so when they do go to the park they have to play football like him, they're not allowed in the actual play park as its "babyish" (our youngest is 6!).

I asked him if he would take our eldest to football club ONCE A WEEK as I no longer have a car, he refused saying he was too busy. I asked him if he would take the kids swimming at weekend and he refused saying he couldn't afford it I told him our youngest had won an achievement at school on monday and he was invited to come and watch, he said he couldnt make it as his snake eggs were hatching , it drives me mad.

My eldest son hates going to his dads and begs me not to make him and I have explained to ex that the kids get too bored sat watching tv all weekend and he couldnt care less.

He never phones them either (and I mean never).

When pirates of the Carribean 3 was advertised my kids were so excited about going to see it, they were looking foward to it for 3 months and ex said he would take them. The first week it was on he said he didnt have enough money but would take them on their next visit (2 weeks later), that visit he said he never said he would take them then, he said "when he gets paid" , 4 weeks on and he still said he "couldnt afford it" so I ended up taking them last weekend.

Am I being unfair here? I know he has his "new family" to keep happy but surely his own kids should come first??

[Twinklemegan]

It's hard to say without hearing your ex's version of events.

[NAB3]

This is wrong and depending on how old your children are, maybe it is time to let them know what their father really is like. Those poor children. He isn't the first man to put his new love first and he won't be the last, unfortunately. Maybe get some legal advice and get some maintenance out of him. Beware though that he will probably have to pay for her kids before money is taken for his.

[hadabadday]

He does pay maintanance thankfully but my 8 year old keeps on saying that his dad cares more about her kids than he does about his own and although I never openly agree with him it does seem that way.

I'm unsure of whether to carry on making my eldest go, if I told ex that DS1 doesnt want to go anymore maybe it would make him realise but I really don't want to stop contact.

[hadabadday]

Anyone?

[1sue1]

I wouldn't stop contact but ask the kids themselves if they want to continue going or not..if they say no, then tell ex what you've said here bout promising cinema etc, being bored there.... and say that kids don't want to go any more. Tell him if things were to change and he were to do more with them by himself like park etc, they may give it one last chance.

You've done nothing wrong, but there is only so much work you can put in to encouraging contact...for what its worth I've been through this sort of thing before...selfish bastards aren't they?