Advice and help on what to do, as my wife is meeting an old friend

[justconfusedhere]

I am looking for advice on how to deal with a situation, background is below.

My wife received a message from an old female friend, stating she was coming to visit this country in a few months, and to meet up, after 8 years of no contact.

When I asked who is coming, it includes a brother of the friend(referred to in the background). After mainly managing to put the past behind me, lots of discussion over the years, accepting my part of the issues back then etc. I just don’t feel I can handle my wife meeting that male friend, it all came flooding back and I cannot stop thinking about it, its months away!

My wife, just doesn’t seem to understand, despite all the deep, stressful conversations, arguments, that have been had over the years, it might be a problem for us, it caused an immediate disagreement and argument, as she sees nothing wrong with meeting.

What do I do!
How to not let this blow up and become a problem again!

Background:
Married 20+ years
We lived as a family(2 kids) in another country 10 years ago, for 3 years.
There for work, so I was very focused on that.
My wife became very friendly with a stay at home dad, together every day. Started lying to me about basics. Changed quite a lot, looks, clothes, approach to things.
It became a massive issue at the time for our relationship, split for a week or so to cool down, constant source of arguments, even for years after being back in the country.
She has always insisted no physical affair(despite going to the house late at night when I was away), though at times she accepts that the relationship may have gone too far emotionally, substituting me.

[MakeItAmazing]

Is the brother the man your wife appeared to have had an emotional affair with as you said the female friend is coming and mention the brother almost as an after thought.

[AryaStarkWolf]

So the brother is the SAHD? Nah wouldn't be at all happy about that, I agree with you. I'd be wondering why she'd be ok to jeopardise your marriage over it too

[justconfusedhere]

Yeah the brother is the SAHD.

She didn't mention the SAHD dad was coming, until i asked who was coming with her female friend, she then listed a couple of people, with the SAHD as the last of the list.

Her immediate reaction was that she is meeting the female friend primarily, though SAHD will be there, but thats ok.....

[Robin2323]

It's a NO from me.
Unless it's ok for you to meet some random female you were once close to ?

Thought not.

Iis she feeling insecure again?!

[Littlechocola]

Absolutely not.

I would be cross that she can’t see why you would have a problem with it. She wants to see him.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I would be cross that she can’t see why you would have a problem with it. She wants to see him.

She clearly can see why he'd have a problem with it as she only told him he was coming after some prodding

[CatnissEverdene]

It was a very long time ago though, and you've got through your issues.

Do you not trust her?

[Wallywobbles]

Having very nearly become an OW/emotional affair fodder it doesn't stop. It comes right back when you next see them. Even several years down the line. What changed for me/us is that the third time I had a new partner who I love totally. If I hadn't I cannot see that anything would have changed.

[Silkie2]

After 8 years?
8 years and no contact, suspicious imv.
What is the meet up, I think I would invite them to your home for tea, then presumably they will clear off.
If they are moving near to you I would not be happy or trusting.

[justconfusedhere]

I agree, a long time ago. It also took a long time to regain trust, after 2+ years of lying and deception while there, then more years of denial there was an issue, then to start to recognise it, so we could move on.

I guess my immediate reaction was ‘why would you think this is ok, after all we have been through’, but I don’t think me saying she cannot meet is an answer (or would be listened to frankly), but just ignoring it, won’t work for me. Would love to think she would get to that conclusion of not meeting, though knowing her, slim chance at best.

I expect the meet will be going to a city they are touring, staying up there in an hotel etc. i wont be invited, as they know that would not go well.

[AryaStarkWolf]

That update makes it even worse tbh OP. It's sounds like a slap in the face to you and all your marriage has been through. What are you going to do?

[LaughingCow99]

She sounds incredibility devious. Listing h last, almost as an afterthought.

Are you going to meet this man with her? I'd suggest it casually and watch her reaction.

Her behaviour is quite outrageous. She could have list her marriage over this liaison.

[LaughingCow99]

Him* last.

I'd tell her if it's an overnight stay you are going. Ask her how she would feel about you spending a night in a hotel with a woman you had an emotional affair with.

If she can't understand your point of view, it's time for you to question where her loyalty lies.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I'd tell her if it's an overnight stay you are going.

I wouldn't even put myself into such an awkward and uncomfortable situation. If she can't see how disrespectful and inappropriate the whole thing is I'd be packing my bags or hers

[purpleboy]

Could you just invite yourself along? Her reaction should give you a good idea of what she is hoping to get out of this meeting.
I think she sounds very disrespectful towards your feelings, and I personally wouldn't be ok with it, it's a shame you don't feel you can trust her, although I complete get why you don't. I hope she sees sense. Why is it so important to meet the friend she has had NC with for 8 years?

[Rachelle3211]

I don't think contact was ever cut off. This sounds very devious and very planned. And given the back story I think you know as well she likely was sleeping with him.

[Rachelle3211]

Oh and I'm sorry. That is a shitty situation you are in. You deserve better.

[DrZed]

I doubt they were involved in just an emotional relationship at all, and I suspect that they have been in contact at some point in the recent past. The fact that she was clearly hoping that you wouldn't find out he was coming should tell you everything you need to know. Im so sorry that you have to face this again.