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I think I might have messed up on my sexuality.

(29 Posts)
FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 16:35:42

I'm not sure if I need a slap or a hand hold. I definitely need to talk.

I apologise for this if it's unclear/rambling, because my thoughts aren't 100% clear so I'm having trouble expressing what I'm feeling. I'm worried I've made a massive fuck up over my own sexuality. I'm trying to work out where/when I did it, and whether it was just cowardice.

I am currently married to a man, we have 3 DC. We'll have been married 10 years this summer, together for 11. I'm almost 34, and from the age of 19 I have considered myself to be bisexual. From 14 to 19 I considered myself to be a lesbian.

I was 100% okay with being a lesbian. My parents had lots of gay friends when I was growing up, in fact the majority of my dad's friends were gay; so I was confident I'd have their support. From when I was about 12 Dad used to joke about me being his butch daughter (I was all oversized checked shirts, jeans and DMs back then). When my uncle came out, my parents were really vocal and critical about how his mum had such a hard time with it, and they'd never have guessed she'd be so narrow minded.
I played hockey at a club and there were quite a few lesbians there that I knew. And somehow I was incredibly lucky at school, people just took it on board and got on with it, no one gave me any crap at all.

And then my parents found out, my mum read a note that a friend and I had been passing at school, and all hell broke loose. And that carried on. When I was 15 my mum shrieked that I was a dyke and a sexual deviant. I had a few other friends who were gay from another school, my parents referred to them as the queer freaks. I started going out with a girl my parents actually knew, and they threatened me and screamed and shouted. I was told it would "kill" my grandparents if they found out, that they would never get over it, that they would be completely ashamed of me. They made me change my A level choices so that I couldn't do PE "like a fucking dyke". Etc etc.

Despite all that at home, I carried on. I had several girlfriends (not at once!), one who was slightly older, and that lasted a couple of years. I was out at school and at my hockey club, but it was completely ignored at home, because if it came up it was awful. I never really felt their reaction as insulting so much as an immense betrayal. I felt like they'd lied to me about how they felt about gay people, they'd led me to believe they were positive about them, and then they'd pulled the rug out from under me. Now I realise it was a bad case of nimby, and I still consider it to be a massive betrayal. To this day my parents maintain a party line of "it was great that you didn't mess around dating at school, it meant you were able to focus on your grades". All just erased.

And then I went to university, where I assumed I'd be even freer, and somehow that went wrong. At school people had not only accepted it, but talked openly to me about my girlfriend. When I told friends at university that I had a girlfriend they didn't know what to say. It was all very awkward. And so it was ignored there and at home. I went to the LGB (as it was then) meet up in my first couple of weeks, I was at a women's college, there were three of us, the surprisingly hostile LGB officer, one second year, and me. The second year and I became friends, but then she dropped out at Easter and I never heard from her again. And to top it all off, just before I'd left home my girlfriend fell off the wagon and started drinking incredibly heavily again, and so my first term was a relationship misery until I broke up with her at Christmas.

I didn't worry that much about being single, I had lots going on. But I was at a loss about where to meet women. I didn't know any other lesbians at university, nor did my friends. I'm not really sure how that happened, it seems unlikely looking back, but I genuinely didn't.

At the end of my first year one of my friends told me that a guy she knew was really interested in me and did I want to go on a date with him. We talked because I wasn't that keen, but she said "you never know til you try", and I joked that uni is the place to experiment and said I'd go on date. And this is where I'm pretty sure I went wrong, but I'm not sure why. Because I went on the date with him, we had sex, and I didn't enjoy it. And then I agreed to go out with him. And I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not sure I knew at the time, and I definitely don't understand it now. Looking back, I'm now really concerned that I did it to opt out of being gay. Because I was happy while I had a good support network at school and at hockey, and then I know I had a rough year and felt isolated. But I don't ever remember being ashamed, or feeling like I was suffering. My parents were homophobic, but most other people I met were just awkward rather than homophobic. So I'm not sure I did do it from cowardice. But I don't understand what I was thinking otherwise.

So if my sexuality came up I told people I was bisexual, and I went out with him. And now my parents were supportive, and it was all "oh, is he coming to visit over the summer". Although my parents have never acknowledged anything prior to that, so as far as they're concerned I'm straight. Friends who had never asked about my girlfriend had no problem asking about my boyfriend. And it did make a difference to me. And I think maybe that while I didn't have a great time sexually, that seemed less awful than being ignored, and screamed at. And maybe the situation at home had had more of an impact on me that I thought it did at the time.

After we broke up, another male friend asked me out, and in my head I was someone who dated men now, so we went out for a while. And after him was DH. I also slept with a couple of other men in the gaps. And one woman.

One thing I know about these relationships is that after a couple of months I went off sex. For the first one, I put it down to the fact I'd had glandular fever and I was sleeping insane amounts, and I was just too tired. For the second one, I was doing my finals and he was writing up his thesis, and then he moved so it was very long distance. And for the last 11 years, it's been various things - I was very very unhappy what I was doing when we got together, had a mental health crisis and quit what I was doing, so I thought that was to blame. Then we got married and things were a bit better, then there was pregnancies, and breast feeding, and times when things just weren't that great between us. But the reality is that DC3 is 2, and we haven't had sex for 8 months, and since he was born it's probably been less than 10 times.

I feel really guilty about the sex thing, because I know it's me stopping it. But since last summer I just can't. DH isn't pushing. He knows that I go through phases where I just am not interested. And I assumed this was like that. But I've been more and more uneasy about it, and if I'm honest, I have had what I would class as genuinely enjoyable sex with one man. With the others it's been either fine, or actually not great. I'd been thinking that maybe that's just what I'm like, perhaps just not that sexual. Maybe I've just been really unlucky with the men. But I loved sex when I was dating women. But I was a teenager then, so maybe it was just that.

Fuck, I don't know. Maybe I've not made a mistake. I'm bisexual, I'm not that into sex, and I'm just romanticising the past. But I'm not sure. I don't know. Right now, I'm just confused about what I am and what to do. And I'm terrified about hurting my family (DH and kids).

OP’s posts: |
FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 16:40:33

I don't want to do any dripfeeding later on. So other things - I was sexually assaulted by a man 20 years older than me when I was 15. And I had to see him socially the next day and I still remember the feeling of intense revulsion at the sight of him, and feeling it towards men in general. However, I'd already kissed girls and told friends I thought I might be gay by then. So whilst it definitely affected the way I saw men I'm not sure how significant it was. I've wondered before if it's possible I would have been bi sooner, if it hadn't been for him.

At times I suffer from social anxiety, and I have OCD which is pretty under control, but I am prone to obsessional and catastrophic thinking, and thinking errors. Which I know I'm experiencing to some extent at the moment with this. I'm also inclined to blame myself for everything and see the worst possible motives in the things I do.

Due to a severe case of social anxiety at the time I started seeing my husband, I have very few friends left, and no lesbians or bisexual women among them. I don't know who to talk to.

I grew up in a very big UK city, and now live in a tiny foreign village.

I promise anything else isn't a deliberate dripfeed. I've got a lot whirling.

I feel horrified about two possibilities in particular. That I hid behind being a bisexual, something that for years I've maintained is often an unfair accusation against bisexuals; and much more seriously, that I might have married a man when I'm actually gay, and I've made his life shit by being so selfish. Although I will say that at the time I married him I genuinely believed I was bisexual.

I have spoken to DH about it, and he was lovely. But he acknowledged that he doesn't really know what to say. I had a similar, but less severe, episode of doubt after DC2 was born, about 6 years ago. But on that occasion I thought that it was just that I was struggling to accept that people saw me as straight (there'd been several recent incidents of my parents erasing my girlfriends from my history), not this outright concern that I'm not even bisexual.

I'm so sorry this was so long!

OP’s posts: |
Bess78 Wed 06-Feb-19 16:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Wed 06-Feb-19 16:48:10

Better to think this stuff through than to sweep it under the rug I think.

I can identify with a lot of what you have written.
I might not be much use to you as my ex husband left me and I was a single mum (of 3 dc) for quite a while.

And I'm now in a very happy relationship with a woman.

But nobody develops nor sustains an attraction to women because they were abused by a man.
Not as far as I know anyway.

The social pressure to be straight is very difficult to avoid as is the isolation.

Just give yourself some space and some care and attention while it's on your mind.

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 06-Feb-19 16:57:10

Do you love your DH and are you actually attracted to him sexually? Are you attracted to men or women (or both) generally? I mean, do you think your sex life could be made more enjoyable with some work, or is it just abhorrent to you?

anniehm Wed 06-Feb-19 16:59:01

Hugs, don't really know what to say. I have a friend who was married (to a woman) for 10 years before he plucked up courage to come out as gay, they are the best of friends, he goes to the pub with her new dh, they co parented their kids living 2 streets away - what I'm saying is that you aren't alone, people do "choose" to live in a heterosexual relationship for many reasons and parents who are homophobic is one reason, religion is another. You need to be true to yourself and protect your children and husband who seems to understand from what you say.

Boulardii Wed 06-Feb-19 17:03:16

You have had some really negative experiences through early adulthood related to sexuality and been betrayed by your parents and by the Culture at university. It’s not surprising you are feeling in a whirl.

But, I think feeling guilty about being married whilst being gay might be into the catasrophising realm.

I see loads of people on here who have fallen out of lust with their partner after 10 years and a few kids. It’s a fairly standard thing to happen for people of any sex or orientation.

It sounds like your dh is open enough to having conversations about your relationship. I would say don’t worry about anything beyond the quality of your relationship and how it can Be improved. At the moment.

You made the best decisions you could at the time, given the culture and support on offer, don’t feel guilt.

FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 17:10:18

Thanks Bess. To be honest, it was a massive shock to me, and all the worse because I didn't see it coming at all. I often rage internally that they still have all their gay friends, and my uncles, who have no idea about the things they said to me... I think you're probably right. I'm going to have to investigate a therapist. It's not my native language here, but I'm fluent, so if I can find someone linguistically tolerant that should work.

And thank you SuperLoud. I'm worried I've been subconsciously shoving it down for a long time. But now it's here and causing me a lot of distress, but I think that'll be better in the long run. I'm not great at self care, but I'm going to need to make an effort, as this isn't going anywhere.

I don't think for one second that that man is responsible for me being attracted to women, I already was. But I used to wonder if it was why as a teenager I identified as a lesbian and not as bisexual. But increasingly, I just think it was a thing that happened, I wasn't interested in men at the time, and it just made me distrustful, it did nothing to my sexuality.

And no, please don't say you might not be useful! I'm really worried about the possible effect on my DC. And you must have gone through the experience of explaining to them. And coming out to people who assumedly thought you were straight?

And thank you for your kind words, because I'm hating myself at the idea that I gave in to social pressure.

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rumred Wed 06-Feb-19 17:13:52

How horrible you had to go through all the negatives about your sexuality. It still happens, it's utterly shit. It has a massive impact on a person, and I'd guess that's what your mental health issues are also linked to. Hard to feel good self esteem when those you love disapprove and denigrate you.
You haven't ruined your oh's life any more than anyone who ends a relationship for any reason. We all end relationships. Well, most of us

Writing it all down can help. But really feeling/reliving what was happening at the time of your most traumatic experiences, not just listing them

Counselling could be useful too.

Whatever happens you deserve happiness and contentment, single or in a relationship. I hope you get some peace with it all

FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 17:30:50

Boulardii Thanks, I do have trouble with perspective at times, and once a negative idea takes hold I have a hard time dealing with it. However, the reason this one has taken hold is because the lust hasn't been the since the very early stages. I've been able to make the effort at times, but it's really an effort.

He knows what I'm trying to process, and actually he doesn't feel betrayed or lied to, the guilt is all coming from me. So thank you for your reassurance! We do definitely need to work on our relationship, because if it's not that I'm actually gay, we've still got issues.
And I'm concerned the terror at the thought of having to deal with a divorce is a kind of self-punishment.

Tinkly I do love my DH. I am not sexually attracted to him. At the moment I can't see that coming back, but as I said, I've been able to pull through this feeling before. Generally I'm attracted to real life women, and occasionally have sexual fantasies involving fake men (like, book characters).

Sex is something I feel really guilty about as I enjoy oral sex more than penetrative, but I don't do blow jobs, at all. So I end up having penetrative sex as I feel like that's how I have to reciprocate; but I don't really want to, so I try to avoid sex altogether.

Thanks Annie - DH did say that as far as he was concerned if we did split up it would be amicable and the important thing would be to co-parent the children amicably.

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FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 17:41:04

Thank you rumred, I hadn't really considered a kind of writing therapy. Although I should have as even typing on here was both distressing and somewhat cathartic. I will get some time for myself and try doing that.

I know what you mean about ending relationships, although I'm a complete coward about doing it. But I can't help thinking if I hadn't married him, maybe he would have found someone else who he could have been happy with forever. And who would actually be having sex with him...

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SuperLoudPoppingAction Wed 06-Feb-19 20:06:15

Unfortunately my ex is not a v nice person and he took it upon himself to out me to the DC and ask them constantly whether I was with anyone.

But... after a few years of being fairly hostile to me intermittently, they bounced back from it.
So I suppose at least it shows that even in the worst case scenario children can move past it.

My partner and I moved in together with the DC this year and it's been fine. We took it very slowly over a number of years.

I do notice dc3 will pick up his friends if the say 'that's gay' but he would also pick them up on racism anyway.

rumred Wed 06-Feb-19 21:02:31

Op it's OK to end a relationship. Seriously.
So your oh might have met someone if you two hadn't got together. He may have met someone fabulous, OK or hideous. Who knows? You need to let go of reframing the past. It's gone, what might have been wasn't. Full stop. And it might have been awful for him. All relationships are experiences. No matter how or why they end. Life is varied. Get on with living yours as best you can, you only have now.
I will attempt to put my own advice into action this end 😁

Needsomebottle Wed 06-Feb-19 21:16:34

Hi, I'm afraid I don't have any personal experience to share that would help, or advice really, but wanted to say please give yourself credit for addressing this. How brave to acknowledge these thoughts and to talk them through with DH. Just keep being honest with yourself - even if that honesty is that you don't know what the heck you're thinking. Be honest with DH. All being well, you have more life to live than you have lived. So try to live it happily, being true to yourself. It may take some time to get there, and I'd recommend therapy also so you can talk things through in a safe environment. Wishing you so much luck for your journey. Brave, brave lady xx

FingonTheValiant Wed 06-Feb-19 22:15:40

God I'm sorry to hear that SuperLoud, what a dick move! I'm so glad it's all working out for you all now.

Thanks again rumred, I will do it if it comes to it. I was talking to DH this evening and he said that part of my problem is being too scared to upset people and to make massive decisions. He's of the opinion that we should look at the good things we built together and then move forward from there, still working together, but maybe not still married. Although he'd prefer it not to come to that... I hope things are okay for you! Good luck to you with your decisions smile

Needsomebottle thank you so much for your message, it made me quite emotional. I don't feel very brave right now, but I do think I have to take responsibility for this. And part of that is being really open with DH about it. I am going to look for a therapist over half term and not rush into anything 😊

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IHRL55 Wed 06-Feb-19 22:40:03

I think you are supremely brave to write your thoughts out on an internet forum, because writing them down means they're real and you're giving them oxygen which means you have to look for a solution of sorts and I imagine that's a scary prospect.

I also imagine the pressure to remain as you are (safe option) and then the pressure to explore your feelings and your own identity perhaps to the detriment of changing your home dynamic, with no guarantee that it'll come to anything good, must be drumming away inside your head all the time. I feel for you.

I cannot identify with you questioning your sexuality because I have no experience of that. I can however absolutely identify with having parents that put on a liberal face for the world and then a very different prejudiced face behind closed doors because of course everyone else can be gay (or in my case marry outside of religion, community etc) but not OUR child.
With my parents their ideals for me and what I should do in life led me to be in a 20 year loveless marriage that produced 3 fantastic little people that are my world but it almost broke me. I was living a life that I felt wasn't mine. I didn't identify with the box I had been put into, I was square and they were forcing me to be round. My ex-husband was miserable and not very nice because I was miserable and we just plodded along, co-existing,
I was in a daze almost with no support, no understanding of me and who I am (I was 17!) and this mantra of 'it'll be fine, this is the right thing' I stepped into a life that simply made me miserable and I only wish that I had stepped out of that life for ME sooner rather than my ex-husband being the catalyst by having an affair because then perhaps the hurt would have been less for all of us. His affair was wrong, no justification but I didn't do what was right for ME let alone for him.

My children did suffer because life as they know it changed but my goodness was the long term impact a positive one. Yes there were tears and guilt and frustrations but I taught them and still do teach them, every single day to be true to themselves, be honest, and things will work out so how can I not model the same behaviour? I am sure you teach your children similar. Fast forward decades from now, are you certain that your children or your DH for that matter would want you living in misery? I know your life is not awful but you have very gracefully articulated what is clearly a very unhappy situation for you and probably your DH too, surely you both deserve to be content and happy, even if it is apart?

I am so sorry your parents weren't better people for their own child but you can show your children that you are accepting, honest, not perfect and make mistakes but still their beautiful and loving mum and it really is never too late to do the right thing.

FingonTheValiant Thu 07-Feb-19 08:44:02

Hi IHRL, thank you for reading and replying! And thank you so much for sharing your experience. It was very helpful to read it. Because that's the possible outcome that I'm having the most trouble reconciling myself with. I can't imagine how it must have felt to be so miserable and so stuck. I'm so glad things are better for you now flowers Like you said, I'm fortunate that things are not awful, they're just... well actually I don't know how to qualify them. I'd feel guilty if I said I was unhappy, because that's not 100% the case, but nor am I happy.

Your second paragraph is exactly how I feel. What if I mess up my marriage for nothing, just for an identity crisis that comes to nothing. But I also totally agree with what you say about leading by example. I said something similar last night to DH, that it's also about my integrity. If I realise I am gay, then I can't hide any more. I would never want that for my children. Some of my family joke that they think my DC2 will be gay, and I think how can I possibly support him if that is the case if I can't be honest about myself.

I also have a job where I have to support young people, and what integrity do I have if I tell them it's okay to be themselves, but I'm not living by that.

In terms of decades from now... I'm clear I can't stay until the children have grown up, or for the kids. I can't stand the thought that 15 years from now I'll be kicking myself because I could have been happy sooner if I'd have the courage to do it.

I've taken on board the advice from several of you and I've left a message for a therapist who does relationship counselling and individual counselling, although I'd like to go by myself to start with. Because if it is nothing, I need to work that out, and then still get help because things aren't working and I'm not happy anyway.

Thank you all so much! flowers

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Cosmoplease Thu 07-Feb-19 11:30:18

OP, your story is almost a merge of my DW and mine. I understand. I really do.

My DW identifies as a lesbian. 100% on the far end of the spectrum, whereas I now identify as bisexual, although it has taken me a while to just accept that and not feel pressure to identify as either straight or lesbian, depending on who my partner is. However, my DW has slept with as many men as I have and only had relationships with men before me. I found it difficult to comprehend in the beginning, because I focussed too much on the physical aspect. I.e, how can you be a lesbian if you could enjoy sex with a man, but actually, that means very little. Some people will argue that, by definition, sexuality is primarily about who you're sexually attracted to, but it's so much more than that. It's about a connection. You can enjoy sex with someone of the opposite sex and still be gay. Touch the right bits etc, but you probably don't get that initial desire for them.

Regarding your parents reaction, my situation was somewhat reversed. My parents would often gay bash, use horrible homophobic language, including that it was a FACT that homosexuality was a perversion of nature, so that was great for someone struggling with their feelings as a young teen. I came out at 28 when I met my now wife and had only recently come out of a long term relationship with my DDs dad and pretty much from day one, they accepted her, so I really sympathise with you, OP. Your parents behaviour was absolutely disgusting and there is was no excuse for it.

I'm sure you wonder "what if you had been supported? Where would I be now?"etc, all the time, but as I'm sure you know, it's counter productive. The only way is forward. You're the same age as me and I like to think I'm still fairly young wink

Try not to focus too much on the sexuality issue right now. You're clearly with the wrong person, so that needs addressing first and foremost.

Do you have people in your life you can draw support from?

Reallyevilmuffin Thu 07-Feb-19 11:39:30

Not much personal experience to add, but one quote from a busexual mostly lesbian friend that your story ecjos

It's just so much easier being in a relationship with a guy. There are no awkward looks or questions. No assumptions that I feel should I correct. It's just simpler.

She purposefully avoided female relationships due to this, and sounds like you have too.

The crux is did you ever find DH attractive or did you go with the flow? What got you together initially?

StormTreader Thu 07-Feb-19 11:44:55

OP it sounds like you are very focused on tying yourself into labels. I understand how its important to your identity to be able to understand yourself and know how you fit into the world, but your feelings should come first and the label second.
I identify as straight and have only ever dated men, but if I met a woman tomorrow who set my world on fire then who knows? I hope I wouldn't deny myself a great love just because I've only been attracted to men up until now.

If you really feel like you just aren't attracted to your husband any more in a sexual/romantic way and want to end the marriage and move to co-parenting then you can do that without having to scream "AND I'M A LESBIAN!" - you can if you WANT to but you don't HAVE to.

"I'm not sure where my sexuality is right now" is a valid place to be.

LetsSplashMummy Thu 07-Feb-19 12:13:20

I think it sounds like you are framing your story to fit with being gay, but avoiding the assault, as being gay is a less horrible answer. You must have had lesbian relationships that ended but you're only analysing what went wrong in your heterosexual experiences. A date with someone you are paired up with and rubbish sex you didn't really want is fairly normal at uni. I would be more directly linking that to the previous sexual assault, than linking both the assault and rubbish sex to your sexuality.

I think you need to talk to someone about the assault. You need to unpick it from your experiences of sex with men and how you feel about oral sex.

After that, you may be a lesbian, maybe not, but you won't be making a mistake because of what some creepy bastard did to you 20 years ago. Good luck with whatever path to take, you're doing really well.

FingonTheValiant Thu 07-Feb-19 13:24:03

Thanks StormTreader - I guess it does sound like that. I think in my head it's not so much that I want a label I can attach myself to, but rather understanding why I feel like I do. Like I said, I've always had an excuse for not wanting sex with my male partners, and recently I've started to wonder if I've just been making excuses and ignoring the obvious reason. It doesn't matter to me so that I can tell people, or immediately go out and find a female partner, but so that I can start to work through it. Because it's going to mean two different things. If I've been lying to myself, then it's really not salvageable, but if it's something else getting in the way, maybe DH and I can work through it.

LetsSplashMummy - that's actually something that's literally been stopping me sleeping, the worry that I'm just twisting everything to fit with a narrative I want. One that somehow absolves me of just not being into DH. I'm really stressed that maybe I'm just telling my story the way I want it to be. I've talked about that with DH as well. It comes partly under the OCD thinking errors issue. It's also why I'm going to go ahead with a therapist, because I need help challenging the story.

For the assault, like I said, I'd already told friends I thought I was gay before it happened, and I have asked myself before if it had somehow put me off men. But I'm not convinced it has had that much of an impact. If I'd really liked men up until then I would agree with you completely. I think what I need to unpick is if I didn't enjoy sex with men because I didn't try it until after one had assaulted me, or if I didn't enjoy sex with men because I was in fact gay. So it does need looking at a bit more.

My lesbian relationships... the longest term one ended because she had a quite serious alcohol problem and it was a nightmare. She was unreliable and then twisted everything to be my fault. Before that it was when I was 15 or 16, so those ended for things like my girlfriend going out with someone else, or moving to a different sixth form, or GCSEs being too much of a time drain, or in one case, her mum putting her foot down because she thought I was too young.

I think (but again, you're right, I could be twisting it), I've analysed the heterosexual ones because they're the ones where specifically my sexual interest has gone within a matter of months. So they're the ones that are making me doubt my sexual interest in men. I have no doubts for women, because physical attraction/being interested in sex was never a problem with them.

I do think it's going to be bloody hard to evaluate them side by side, because of the age difference. A relationship when you're at school is entirely to different to an adult one. Which is why I do have this concern that I'm romanticising the past re my lesbian relationships. But sexual attraction was never an issue.

Basically, I know 100% I'm attracted sexually and romantically to women. What I'm not sure about is the male side.

Thanks though, because I am trying not to put a confirmation bias on things, but if it reads like that, I need to try to reevaluate more neutrally.

Reallyevilmuffin - yes, your friend is completely right. It's much easier. I can answer the question about my DH because that I do remember vividly and I even talked to my mum about it at the time. I did not find him physically attractive. We met at a dinner party where we were the only two people under 50, and we talked all night and got on really well. After that we emailed a lot and met up to do a few cultural things together. I found him intellectually attractive, iyswim. I had always told myself that I was more attracted to the person than their looks, so I thought that was fine, and my mum encouraged it. I can also tell you that he was sexually a lot less experienced than me, and I found sex outright disappointing. He and I have talked honestly about that since, because early on when we weren't having much sex he was convinced that was the reason and made a lot of effort to do things that I liked. That makes me sound like a an awful person, but is sadly true... FWIW I have also done things he likes but I don't to try to help our sex life.

OP’s posts: |
Reallyevilmuffin Thu 07-Feb-19 14:17:47

Reading this again - have you never really found your husband attractive and are going down the route of coming out as only attracted to girls, as the other truth that you never really found him attractive or clicked sexually is going to be incredibly hurtful to someone regardless of attraction you clearly love and like a lot? Couples therapy would be a good place to start I think, and it sounds like he would be up for it.

Musti Thu 07-Feb-19 14:31:21

It sounds like you are a lesbian and not bisexual. You have to force yourself to sleep with men. Your dh sounds absolutely lovely and understanding and I don't blame you for wanting to fit him into being your husband. But you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can love him and be friend with him but not be sexually interested in him. He should also be let free to be with a woman who is sexually interested in him.

FingonTheValiant Thu 07-Feb-19 15:35:59

Reallyevil - I don't want to sound like I'm not taking on board what you're saying, because I am, but I'm going to give a categorical no to that one. DH and I have been through some rough times before, and due to some of my mental health issues we've always been clear that honesty, even if it hurts, is the best way forward. Not because we'd want to hurt each other, but because neither of us sees the value in lying. I wouldn't look for an alternative to saying those things to him, because I wouldn't assume they'd come as a surprise to him. There have been lots of other times when we haven't had sex for ages, over a year even, and we've had very frank conversations about that, and tried to find ways together to bring it back. He also knows it was utterly disappointing at the start, he can admit that he didn't really have a clue, so it wasn't going to be great for anyone. I doubt I've ever said outright that I considered it an intellectual attraction, and not physical, but again, I don't think he'd be surprised. Honesty is a huge part of our relationship, and I would never look for an excuse rather than tell him that.

To be entirely honest with you, the best solution to this, as I see it, is that for whatever reason I've had a freak out, I can talk to someone, and I realise that I am bisexual, but for whatever reason I'm not massively into sex (because it's not just DH this has been a problem with), and we get some relationship counselling and see what we can do together going forward. We made drastic changes to our lives about 2 years ago, and things have been good since. I love our family, our home, and our lives. I have a job I genuinely enjoy doing. The kids are happy. I do not want to fuck that up. I would rather me and DH fix things if we can. I am not looking to leave him. But what I'm worried about is if it's something we can't realistically work through.

Musti thank you for replying. He is both of those things. I'm very lucky. I don't want to lose him.

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