Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

[woolduvet]

Morning, hope you get answers from tonight.

[Fairenuff]

Are you going to ask the counsellor if they can help mediate if you decide to separate?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is truly a master manipulator and he has done a right number on you over the years.

A real shame you were not out the door over Christmas and the New year.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would not entertain such sessions at all in your particular circumstances. He will undoubtedly try to or perhaps even succeed in manipulating the therapist just as you have been. He is who he is and his family did that to him.

He does not need to be pyschoanalysed further because doing that will simply tie you up in more knots. I would also not want to do any form of mediation with him again because of the abuse.

[itsallslush]

I don't know if this will help @jamaisjedors but I was recommended a book called The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverley Engel. It's about how it can be easy to take blame/not feel clear about what you feel when you've got someone like DH manipulating your thoughts. I'm liking it.

Thanks for starting another thread OP.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Keep going OP ,,thinking of you

[Fairenuff]

He is who he is and his family did that to him.

He does not need to be pyschoanalysed further because doing that will simply tie you up in more knots.

I agree. It's irrelevant really, what got him to the point where he thought he had the right to abuse you and the children.

It's a bit like someone being in an accident and losing their leg. You can go over and over what happened. What were the circumstances that led up to that accident happening at that particular time, on that particular day and if only someone had said something different, or done something different, it would never have happened.

Doesn't change the fact that you've still only got one leg.

[tempname111]

Sending you some positive vibes, hope tonight goes well and that the journal is useful

[TowelNumber42]

I hope your therapist helps you get your head straight tonight. You have so much going on what with big talks, the therapy, marriage counselling. You must be exhausted.

[RandomMess]

I hope you gain clarity for yourself tonight

[FilledSoda]

I honestly hoped you had escaped and were starting your new life.

[NettleTea]

you do realsie that you cant fix him, you cant be the person who 'makes him right'
only he can do that and only he has to actually WANT to do that. And its sadly quite unlikley as the patterns of your relationship have been set, and habits and patterns are extremely hard to break. Youve seen this already by how easily you have fallen back into the state of thinking its not so bad after all and doubting yourself.
I hope your phsychologist helps you to see that tonight

[springydaff]

All in good time

I agree he is what he is, a one-legged man lol.

But I don't agree his family necessarily did that to him. The one doesn't automatically equal the other by any stretch.

Hope you get some clarity tonight.

[jamaisjedors]

Thanks, I had a good session with the counsellor, I wasn't emotional at all and managed to talk through the good and the bad things that happened during our conversations over the weekend (with H).

She can see that I am stressed about making such a huge decision, but knows I am not at all scared of H anymore.

In fact at one point in the discussion over the weekend I didn't like his tone and told him so, he stopped immediately and has said he will be careful about that in the future.

H has said a lot of lucid things in the various discussions and I feel I understand what is/was going on for him much better.

This was something which was important for me, I have a real need to understand people's motivations and points of view.

It doesn't mean I agree with his choices or his way of doing things, or even that I forgive them or can live with them, but I am less confused about what the hell is going on in his brain.

This evening my counsellor encouraged me to think about :

• what I need from the relationship
  
• what H can give to the relationship
  
• whether he can change any of the behaviour which bothers me.
  

I know some of you are frustrated that I am not just out the door at this point, but I agree with someone on the previous thread (Towel?) that leaving when things are not that bad or even just normal will allow a cleaner break.

I also think the pyschologist sees I need to make this decision for myself and need to be 100% sure I have exhuasted every possibility for me to be able to live with myself afterwards.

I suspect I need to do this work now to have a chance of perhaps getting into a relationship with better boundaries at some point in the future or maintaining my boundaries and being happy in this one.

Enough for now, got work piling up due to endless appointments

[GoldenBlue]

That makes sense @jamaisjedors I divorced after counselling and it mostly made for a less angry divorce. I can be 100% certain I did everything I could and I don't regret it.

[LannieDuck]

I understand why you're holding off doing anything that will make it final - first you need to be sure, or as sure as you can be.

[explodingkitten]

I just hope that you keep an eye on your boundaries. Taking time to make a decision is fine but don't let him walk over you at any point.

[eddielizzard]

All sounds very sensible, as you're not afraid anymore and you're redefining your boundaries. A very positive move.

[longtimelurkerhelen]

@jamaisjedors

I know some of you are frustrated that I am not just out the door at this point

I don't think anyone should be frustrated with you. It is your life and your choice. I think you are doing what feels right for you and your family, so how could it be wrong. It is not something to be done lightly and needs a lot of consideration.

I hope you are feeling a little calmer and it's great that you are no longer scared, it is hard to make rational choices when your fight or flight response is foremost in your mind.

Best wishes for your future.

[Lisette1940]

[jamaisjedors]

Thanks.

2nd joint counselling session went well (Tuesday night).

I let H do the talking and I see that the psychotherapist is exploring the fact that in his family all debate is about being right and dominating others. Much more interesting than last time when I felt it was just each one of us giving our point of view and her being (mostly) neutral.

H seems pleased with the session too but we haven't discussed it in any detail. He has promised to do everything he can to make sure the holiday works out well for everyone. We'll see.

In the meantime I also saw my solicitor again and she was great.

She thinks it's a good thing to take my time and do things calmly because there is a tendancy when you rush out the door to settle for less than you are due in the divorce.

She thinks it might be possible to settle a certain amount of things in a mediation process which is more comfortable all round and less arbitrary than depending on the good humour of the judge in court on the day of the divorce.

She is pleased that I am taking my time to think through options and prepare, it should work in my favour in the future.

[TowelNumber42]

That all sounds like good progress. How are you feeling?

[jamaisjedors]

Mostly calm and strong - the solicitor who saw me in December said she was pleased I was doing so well.

Occasionnal wobbles but I feel in control for the first time in a long time.

H is being very tactile at the moment, which is not like him at all.

I am going to ask him not to put pressure on me (for intimacy) during the holiday because I am a bit nervous about that, but I feel ok about saying it to him.

Again, if he can't respect that boundary, it's just another nail in the coffin of the relationship...

[TowelNumber42]

Do you feel your boundaries are solidifying or crumbling?

[jamaisjedors]

Definitely solidifying.

And I am still doing what I want without "asking", ie going to visit friends on a whim, deciding to stay in bed or in pyjamas all morning etc. etc.

[jamaisjedors]

I have also asked for help when I need it (for example with a car problem) and got it without any trouble.

But I don't feel that I am gradually weakening and sliding into old habits, I feel like I am starting to identify how I want to live and I will live that way either with him or without him.