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don't know what to do - please help

(17 Posts)
secretsandlies Mon 02-Jul-07 15:26:07

I have posted here loads before but have changed my name for this. I have had serious issues with my dh's porn usage for years now - his attitude has more or less always been that I knew he used it before we married, so why should I expect him to change now?

Anyway, until recently I though he was limited to general, 'normal' stuff and I had more or less decided to turn a blind eye. We had a baby 5 months ago, and during my pregnancy, he didn't want to have sex - fair enough, I suppose. I did know that he was using porn more and more throughout that time, but I let him get on with it. Anyway, last weekend we had sex for the first time in a year, and quite frankly, it was great. We had a brilliant weekend, and I was actually feeling very loved-up again, and pleased that we still had a good relationship.

Then this morning I discovered in his email account that he has instigated, and maintained a sexual relationship with another woman - albeit over the computer (MSN and emails). This female is an old girlfriend. He told me he wasn't in contact with her any more. She is also married. He has basically been sending her porno pictures, and she to him, he was telling her to get 'dressed up in that gear and enjoy yourself', and worst of all, in my eyes, is that he told her that he was glad he had shared his fantasies with me, as he had a good time at the weekend - talking about my underwear, etc. He seems to think I should be flattered that I'm involved in his fantasies, but why is he indulging in these with another woman, whan I'm right here, our sex life was (I thought) back on track?

I'm utterly devastated and have told him I'm leaving. He is begging me not to go, telling me he loves me, couldn't live without me, he'll get help, counselling, whatever it takes. But I just feel gutted, cheated, betrayed, taken for a fool. Where's the respect?

By the way, I emailed this other woman and told her to stay away from him. Hopefully she'll get enough of a fright to do just that. At the moment, I can't imagine staying with him, I'm disgusted and hurt beyond belief. I don't even like him just now.


mytwopenceworth Mon 02-Jul-07 15:30:11

Now is probably not the time to make any final decisions. Take a break, go stay somewhere for a few days and think. Meet him in a public (ish) place to talk. Let him know that you are not going to come back unless things change. But give him the chance to explain to you what he is going to do to make things right.

I really would suggest Relate while you stay somewhere else. But don't burn your bridges while you are raw. Take your time. Explain to him you need to take your time and if he really wants to make things right, he will respect that.

secretsandlies Mon 02-Jul-07 15:49:26

the thing is, we're supposed to be moving abroad in two weeks time. We have a 3 1/2 ds and 5 month dd.

He knows he's done wrong by me, and claims he'll change, but how do you trust? He was literally begging me not to leave. Crying. He swears blind he's not had any physical contact with this female, and I don't know if he's telling the truth or not.

Two weeks ago I found out that he'd been phoning escort agencies and brothels from our mobile phone. He promised me nothing of the sort would ever happen again, that my happiness was paramount, blah blah blah. I just can't look at him without wanting to kill him!

reikizen Mon 02-Jul-07 15:53:57

Don't mean to sound judgemental but I guess you wouldn't post if you didn't want frank opinions. I'd say 'yuk'. I'd keep well away and stay away. Not sure I'd even bother with Relate but I have strong opinions about porn usage. Sorry if that's upset you...

mytwopenceworth Mon 02-Jul-07 15:56:46

It's not enough is it. Has he told you WHY he has done these things? That is what he needs to be telling you. Anyone can say sorry, but sorry is meaningless if they just carry on with the same sort of behaviours.

WHY is he talking sex with someone else?
WHY is he contacting brothels?
WHAT does he think will happen after he has made contact?

The LAST thing I would do at this point is move to another country. You would be very very vulnerable. Alone. Away from friends and family. Dependant (emotionally) on him. If he does this sort of thing now, what will he do when he feels you are stuck with him? What would you feel able to do if you go with him and this happens again? Would you pack up and come home?

Will he change or will he feel empowered by your vulnerability and become less bothered about your feelings on this?

I really advise you to think and talk and, ideally, get some third party support (Relate or similar)

secretsandlies Mon 02-Jul-07 16:04:15

I asked him why - he said it was pure fantasy and to be honest he wasn't even considering how I would feel if I knew. He's been a selfish, thoughtless bastard. He knows I am seriously thinking about leaving but won't let me out the door. I don't know where I'd go.

I feel numb inside. He wouldn't admit before now that he has a problem, an addiction to porn. I have no problem with your run-of-the-mill stuff, have experimented with it, with my dh in the past, it's just like he's taken it a step (ten steps) further than just using it for a 'quick fix'.

teafortwoandtwofortea Mon 02-Jul-07 16:05:27

First of all, unlike me but I want to reach out to you and give you a huge hug. It's such a raw issue with me. I've had mega issues with DH regarding porn - I really did think he'd changed when we married, indeed it was a condition of marrying him but he let me down time and time again. We've been OK now though for nearly a year, and I hope, come through it. Just letting you know this so you can see I'm not just dishing out advice from a hypothetical situation.

Having said all that, I'm not sure I could carry on on trying if I'd found what you have. DH is on his last chance as it is and he knows I'd walk if he gave me half a reason at this stage.

I don't think the fact you knew about it before you got married, I think if he loves you then what's giving up a few wanks to keep from hurting you? A lot of people who use MN have partners tha use porn (and some use it themselves and together) but they're ok with it and that's the difference.

Two questions at first for you if you feel you can say - are you absolutely sure there's been no physical contact between him and this woman? Is there anyway on earth you can postpone moving abroad with him, even if it means him going without you and you staying with family/friends?

purplepoppet Mon 02-Jul-07 16:07:37

I think you need some time to get your head around all of must be a huge shock, plus it doesn't help that you are moving abroad...the timing is awful!

Personally, even though he says he's had no physical contact, for me it would be just as bad as a full blown affair I'm afraid - sorry, don't want to upset you even more

Sadly, it's going to take time for you know if you can forgive or not, so I don't think it would be a good idea at all for you to move abroad with him. I know it's going to be a terrible hassle for you, but to be honest, that's not your problem. This is down to him and him alone.

So I think you're main priority at the moment is to try and get your head around what you're going to do and where you're going to go if you do decide not to go.

Oh you poor love

teafortwoandtwofortea Mon 02-Jul-07 16:09:53

what do you mean 'won't let you out the door'?

Is there anyone you could talk to in RL at all (there isn't for me btw, too personal an issue) - or even someone you could go to and say 'i can't tell you why but I need you to help me and just put me up for a few days'?

secretsandlies Mon 02-Jul-07 19:30:02

he just wouldn't let me past him. Anyway, we've come to an agreement. He's genuinely scared that he's lost me - he realises my talking of leaving is not an idle threat. I'm having to say that that's it, enough is more than enough, and one more porn-related incident and we're done. He is agreeing with me. I think he's realised he does have an addiction, a real problem, rather than just a 'hobby' that 'all guys do'...

I'm still so sad and hurt but I still love him. And I have to think about the kids. In every other way he's a good person, and potentially a good husband. I just don't want to be made a fool of again. I'm terrirfed that I'm setting myself up for a fall but I'm going to take that chance.

I'm contacting Relate tomorrow to set up a meeting.

Thanks for all your replies - they are an enormous help. MN'ers never let me down.

auntyflorence Tue 03-Jul-07 08:52:43

I don’t buy this idea of “he didn't want to have sex during pregnancy - fair enough, I suppose”. His sex drive is so high that he will seek out porn and mucky phone calls but won’t have sex with his wife who is lying next to him in bed!?
I may be taking this the wrong way, but is it because he found your pregnant body unsexy? Don’t you worry that ten years down the line, when you have a few sags and wrinkles, he going to go off you again and pick up some teenage totty instead? And he will portray it as your fault because you 'let yourself go'; he won’t see it as his problem. I think that he needs to re-evaluate his perceptions of real womanhood and stop living in a fantasyland of corsets and stilettos.

curiouscat Tue 03-Jul-07 09:09:02

I agree with Auntyflorence. Also what he admits to you about porn use is probably the tip of the iceberg. I know someone in the industry and they regard all users as sad losers waiting to be ripped off - it doesn't come cheap and often use escalates. Don't want to make you feel worse, but perhaps he needs to get professional help for this.

purplepoppet Tue 03-Jul-07 09:19:50

I do worry that you have made this decision very quickly. Just please be careful because these things have a way of just festering and eating you up me, I know, I've been there I realise you have the children to think about, but was he thinking of the children while he was indulging in his seedy pastime...NO he wasn't! You should not feel bad about any decisions you have to make...the children will be happy if you're happy.

Sadly, I have to agree with curiouscat...what you know about is probably just the tip of the very very careful, you need some time to think seriously about don't want to set yourself up for even more heartache..

Sounds like you're hubby has some 'issue's' that he needs to address...and he needs to want to do this himself. This isn't about YOU at all and no matter how awful it's all made you feel, you must keep telling yourself that.

Take best care xx

secretsandlies Wed 04-Jul-07 13:08:46

thanks again for more replies, they help.

I've been really struggling with this over the past 2 days - and dh has been doing everything he can to convince me he's ashamed and sorry. He would walk over hot coals for me just now if that's what it took for me to forgive him.

the difference this time is that he's finally realised that he has an actual problem with porn - I have been saying for years that it's destructive and will ruin our relationship and that has suddenly hit home. i am no prude, and in the past we have looked at porn together (didn't do much for me, but I did it for him to get a kick), but I have told him that all this secrecy, deception and betrayal has ruined it for him. I'll never want to engage in that stuff with him again. Basically he'll have to break this habit and then we can relax into being a normal, trusting couple.

I've ordered a few books from Amazon on the matter - he'll read them. I'm aware that what I do know about will maybe be only the tip of the iceberg, so I gave him the chance to confess all to me now, about what he's done in the past, and what I might discover in the future, and he's told me all. At least I think he has. He's devastated at how hurt I am over this.

He's being open and hopefully totally honest with me now. He knows that one more instance that causes me hurt will make me walk away, and not look back.

What I need now is to figure out how to get past this in my own mind, how to move on.

HappyDaddy Wed 04-Jul-07 14:58:20

Perhaps, a big perhaps, he felt he could talk to this woman about your sex life? To an extent he has had some ideas on how to spice up your love life and it's worked. Not THAT different to some threads on here.

However, all the porn and stuff isn't really on.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Jul-07 15:01:29

I think I'd take a break, however.

Nothing wrong with a temporary separation.

secretsandlies Wed 04-Jul-07 15:48:05

Happydaddy - he told me that he lost his ability to talk to me about what turns him on, etc - to me the big problem is that he chose to tell some other female what his fantasies are - so she knows my own husband's sexual thoughts better than I do. that sucks. He maintains he never betrayed me emotionally as he was involving me in his chat with her - it's just that I didn't know anything about it. He was just thinking with his dick.

We did, and hopefully will again, have a brill sex life - I don't think I'm unreasonable to not want anyone else involved.

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