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Would you like your husband to do these things?

(129 Posts)
ApplesAndPearsStairs Thu 24-Jan-19 10:59:46

I'm having some serious relationship problems with DH and am rereading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a book that has divided opinion and I think it's old fashioned in places. But generally it seems good to me.

There's a section called 101 ways to score with a woman. They're basically things that a man can do to make the woman feel good/happy. There is a separate and quite different type of list for women.

Anyway, I looked at the list of 101 items and realised that my husband does 17 of these. Probably only 95/101 are relevant to me but that's still a lot missing.

So my questions to you are:
1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?
2. Do you have that kind of relationship already?

I'm just wondering if this is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks

ApplesAndPearsStairs Thu 24-Jan-19 11:00:56

And the last three

wishywashy6 Thu 24-Jan-19 11:04:05

I've only been with my BF 6 months but I'd say he does most of the things there that are relevant to our relationship (he's never built me a fire 🤷🏼‍♀️)
I would say though that I'd like to think I do those things back, it's not all on his head to keep me happy.

hamstersaremyfriends Thu 24-Jan-19 11:05:25

My DH does most of these tbh and now I could never be with someone who doesn't. No, he's not perfect - but it's brill.

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 24-Jan-19 11:14:59

Some are a low bar (‘if the bin is full offer to empty it’ no, just empty it!)

Dh does all the ones which wouldn’t turn him into a small child following me round saying ‘shall I do this? Shall I do that?’ But I suppose these are aimed at a broken relationship so you need to show you’ve changed a bit more.

It’s a funny mix, a little dated but probably helpful if your bloke’s a bit thick.

Sorry to hear your dh only does about 4, that’s not great.

FaFoutis Thu 24-Jan-19 11:19:41

'Offering' to empty the bin means the bin is YOUR job and he's just 'helping'. Fuck that.

Katgurl Thu 24-Jan-19 11:19:59

He does most of them yeah.

FaFoutis Thu 24-Jan-19 11:21:48

I don't think the list is unrealistic OP. I would like some of those things but sadly my DH does about 4 of them.
I wonder if showing crap DHs that list does any good. Have you tried?

ChairoftheBored Thu 24-Jan-19 11:22:18

No he doesn’t. Especially not the ones about being supportive emotionally or asking how my day was. But then I think our relationship is a little bit broken...

SkinnyPete Thu 24-Jan-19 11:23:58

Worst. Book. Ever!

Thehop Thu 24-Jan-19 11:25:20

My first husband did NOTHING

13 years later, I can honestly say husband 2 does so so much of this....he takes every opportunity to make my life easier. I can’t believe I put up with what I did for so long

Can your OH read the book too?

WarIsPeace Thu 24-Jan-19 11:27:40

JFC that it just how to act like a courteous adult. I'm appalled that it's even a THING to say here, here's some good ways to pretend to give a shit about your partner.

It's a how to fake it list.

And yy my ex did next to none of those, because he's a twat.

FaFoutis Thu 24-Jan-19 11:28:42

I agree War. Faking it would be a start though.

Parthenope Thu 24-Jan-19 11:29:09

That's pretty low-grade stuff, isn't it -- make sure she knows how to get hold of you when you're working away, wash before sex, be flexible about whose turn it is to cook, ask how her day has gone, light a fire, and offer to empty the bin? ('Offer'?) I would say that someone who had to read a book and be told to do these things must suffer from spectacularly low emotional intelligence.

WarIsPeace Thu 24-Jan-19 11:32:03

'Hey incels, these are why you can't get laid'

MyPatronusIsAHyena Thu 24-Jan-19 11:34:21

DH does lots of them. He's not perfect but he's loving, kind, thoughful and a fab dad so that will do for me smile I think you should ask him to up his game and let him know if you aren't happy. If he doesn't change then I wouldn't lower your expectations at all. Go find your happiness! flowers

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 24-Jan-19 11:34:56

I haven't read all the items on the list but most of those I have make me cringe. If I "offered" to empty the bin my wife would look at me like I'd grown an extra head.

wishywashy6 Thu 24-Jan-19 11:35:03

Oh the bin bollocks I didn't really pay much attention to, we don't live together but when he's over he's very helpful and just does stuff if it needs doing 🤷🏼‍♀️
Some of it is a bit outdated, I don't need heavy boxes carrying for me I'm more than capable!
The little things like asking about my day, ringing me to say 'I love you', listening to what I say, being affectionate without sex (although in all honesty I LIKE SEX 😬😬) being emotionally supportive etc all comes naturally to him though which is lovely.

FaFoutis Thu 24-Jan-19 11:35:49

Go find your happiness!
Not as easy as that when there are children involved.

Bluntness100 Thu 24-Jan-19 11:37:04

God that's quite nauseating isn't it. It just smacks of women are incapable and need to be pampered. The bin will be emptied by whomever notices it needs doing and I'm quite capable of lighting a fire myself thanks very much,

wishywashy6 Thu 24-Jan-19 11:37:04

*Go find your happiness!
Not as easy as that when there are children involved.*

Perfectly possible though

MyPatronusIsAHyena Thu 24-Jan-19 11:38:12

I understand that 100% sad

DontCallMeCharlotte Thu 24-Jan-19 11:38:55

I'm guessing it's aimed at people not living together yet - hence it's her bin. Either way, it's bloody hilarious as it's like that 1950s "make yourself beautiful for when your husband returns home from a hard day ogling his secretary" type article.

The driving ones amused me.

Having said that, my DH does do a lot of that stuff.

CherryBlossom321 Thu 24-Jan-19 11:39:55

I'd love it if my husband did more than two of those things. Very far from reality for me. It hurts more because I do thoughtful and loving things for him all the time.

steppemum Thu 24-Jan-19 11:40:10

hmm, I think dh doesn't do a lot on the list, but then I would probably be unhappy if he did.
I don't really like this book, and find its devision of the sexes a bit like a 1950 American sitcon at times. But in other places it does make a valid point or two.

Things like 'offering' to cook or ampty the bin. I meal plan on Sunday night, and he tells me what he is cooking on his cooking days and adds his ingredients to the list for the on-line shop.

But as a list goes, it is a reminder of how to be courteous and romantic with someone. Which, if your relationship is grinding to a halt may be a necessary reminder.

I would get really irritated with being hugged all the time and told 'I love you' like that. But at the same time I think it would be nice to get and unexpected hug every now and again. (and I am a really touchy feely person)

One or two of those are the tip of a HUGE iceberg though. Give support when she asks for it. Well, there are dozens of threads on that topic alone that run week after week.

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