Someone psycho-analyse my problem with the ILs (not what you think!)

[milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo]

here is the background:

I was widowed 7 years ago, kept in touch with my ILs and have a great relationship with them Speak to MIL(1) frequently and always end the conversation with an 'I love you'.

Remarried 3 years ago and have a strained relationship with my ILs. Can't let MIL(2) close to me and everything she does irritates me.

I want to have a good relationship but it just doesn't seem to be working out that way

[fryalot]

are you expecting MIL(2) to live up to the greatness of MIL(1)?

If MIL(1) is particularly good and fab (and it sounds like she is) then she is a very hard act to live up to, then your relationship with MIL(2) will seem awkward and strained.

Is there anything specific, or is it just not right?

Can you try to relax around MIL(2) and just let things happen?

[controlfreaky2]

maybe it's just not meant to be...... would you get on with mil2 if you didnt have mil1 in your life?? stay civil and keep trying.....?

[southeastastra]

give mil2 a little time, i really didn't like my mil at all for the first few years. it just takes time

[binkleandflip]

Is there any other problem other than you and MIL 2 just dont gel? Because if that is all it is then I guess you have to live with the fact that you and your MIL are never going to be the best of friends but you do have a common interest in your dh and LUCKILY for you, you also have your fab MIL 1. Most of us who find our MIL's highly irritating are not blessed with a spare so embrace the situation!!

[WanderingTrolley]

Do you feel guilty - you've 'replaced' your first dh with your second, and your first MIL with another too?

No reason you should feel guilty, obv, but it's common a) in a situation where someone has died and b) it's rarely rational anyway.

PS My pyscho-analyst hat is made out of folded newspaper. Please ignore me if I offend.

[milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo]

She is VERY fab, I guess if I met them both in the street I would gravitate towards MIL(1) because she is more my sort of person I guess. I also wonder if subconsciously I am pushing MIL(2) away because I do feel like I lost more than just DH1. I lost his family too.

[southeastastra]

it's natural that you would feel that way.

mil2 should realise that and if she doesn't then i guess telling her how you feel now would help in the long run?

[milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo]

You could be right WT, I thought I had put much of the 'widow issues' behind me but there could be an element of guilt Probably because she is still alive and I promised DH1 I would look after her.

[ScummyMummy]

It's just possible that mil2 is simply not as lovely as mil1 and there are no hidden ishoos stemming from your bereavement, remember. Think you are right to give it some thought as it's a situation rife for possible ishoos but sometimes we do just like some people more than others. Maybe it's important to move towards thinking of mil1 amd pil1 as friends rather than ex pils?

[edam]

The 'everything she does irritates me' might suggest it's you, not her, to some extent. If she was utterly lovely, would you still have a problem with her? I mean, is it her as a person, or is it her function in your life?

If MIL 2 realises, presumably it must be quite hurtful for her, so you've probably both got off on the wrong foot and are stuck in a cycle of resenting each other.

Maybe you should just try to treat her as if you like her for a while. Apparently it can work wonders...

[auntyflorence]

milfmonkey, can you explain the group dynamics a bit more:
Is DH aware of this and, if so, what does he think of the situation? Does he have a good relationship with MIL(2)?
In both cases, are you the only DIL? Are you shouldering all the daughterly duties? Are there other DIL that you can compare notes with?
How do you get on with the FIL?

[milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo]

My MIL(2) is not aware that I still have a relationship with PILs(1). Not because I am hiding anything but simply because it has never come up, DH is obviously aware and fine with that and my past.

Edam - I think you have hit the nail on the head that even if she was/is lovely really I think I would still have a problem which is why I know that it is my problem in the main. I do make a massive effort to be nice and pleasant in the hope that one day it will become second nature.

With regards to the group dynamics - DH doesn't have a close relationship with his parents never entirely got to the bottom of why but I think (and this is going on my current experience of his folks) that his father was an overbearing bully when he was a child. His mother is rather weak and never supports anyone over her husband. I can't stand FIL I find him rude and unpleasant.

In some ways I resent his folks for some of DHs current problems such as a lack of self esteem/confidence and lack of ability to take on the simplest task (his dad did everything for him in the belief that he was incapable of doing anything for himself correctly, if he does try anythinghis dad is uber critical).

[paulaplumpbottom]

You can't get along with everyone, just do your best hun.

[thegardener]

your fil sounds similar to mine, when i first started seeing dh, fil would always put dh down esp. with DIY issues, it was really quite embarrasing but funny now looking back because if i had known fil was crap at doing DIY and lacked motivation do to anything then i probably would have not got so upset by his comments - mil would just sit there & not say anything, like she does when fil makes rude/overbearing comments, something i often challenge him about now, much to mil's distaste
My pil are overbearing & controlling type people.

Rather than trying to second guess your feelings with regards to all gp's/il's here, maybe just except them as they are & like someone else said, you can't get along with everyone