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Boyfriend going for secret lunches at work

(71 Posts)
katy78 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:35:10

I’m 29 my boyfriend is 32. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years, living together 3 years, no marriage or kids. My boyfriend works mainly with women and frequently tells me about things related to them or if he’s been for lunch with one or more of them. No issues from me. He also used to have a good female friend that he had lunches with at his old job. Again no issue.

Around November I noticed he was checking out repeatedly a random girl online. Didn’t say anything but decided I would monitor everything. I noticed he was repeatedly searching for this girl on Instagram and on the web. Turns out she works with him but he’s never ever mentioned her. She’s single and 28. She has never private messaged him and they don’t have each other’s phone numbers. But I found the frequent stalking weird so decided to confront him today.

Turns out they have been going for lunches alone together twice a week for two months and have been on a few walks together during work. He says he gets on really well with her but claims he doesn’t have feelings for her. He can’t explain why he’s never ever mentioned her name, let alone the lunches when he tells me about other women he is friends with and lunches with. He cannot explain the stalking just says he doesn’t know.

How do I move forward

Sooverthemill Wed 16-Jan-19 13:36:33

He does know. You know. He doesn't want to explain himself. Sorry

babysharkah Wed 16-Jan-19 13:36:39

How have you found this out?

katy78 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:37:26

He told me it all after I confronted him with the constant searching for her

katy78 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:38:45

He told me he didn’t want to tell me about her as he thought I would be jealous as she is prettier than his other colleagues. But I pointed out I have no idea what ANY of his colleagues look like and have never been jealous before about them. Then he didn’t know how to explain any further.

RivanQueen Wed 16-Jan-19 13:42:16

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
I'm sorry OP but there's no good reason that he has kept his lunches and long walks with this particular woman a secret from you. If there was nothing going on there would be no need to keep it from you.
He's hoping by saying 'he doesn't know' what total bullshit you will bury your head in the sand and forget all about his secret liaisons with this OW.

Adora10 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:42:54

Honestly, do not stand for this, the problem is he doesn't seem to have a boundary, fine being friendly at work, but lunches and walks, nah, he's taking you for a fool, he clearly fancies her.

RivanQueen Wed 16-Jan-19 13:43:19

Oh and him pointing out to you that she is 'prettier' than his other colleagues speaks volumes as to how he looks at her. Sorry.

justasking111 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:45:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kennycalmit Wed 16-Jan-19 13:47:03

I’m not saying he’s cheated but I definitely think he’s got a ‘thing’ for her

We all search people on fb and social media but to do it constantly is a bit OTT. There’s a reason why he kept their lunches and walks together secret.

letsdolunch321 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:47:16

Lunching for two months (and not mentioning it) and going for walks all very cosy. I would be demanding to check his phone

Hidingtonothing Wed 16-Jan-19 13:56:08

He knows exactly why he's done those things, he's not an idiot! But he is treating you like an idiot if he expects 'I don't know' to cut it as an explanation.

safetyfreak Wed 16-Jan-19 13:57:24

Not looking good OP. She is different which is why you were not told about her.

Why are you not married etc after 8 years together?

Twinningsloverbutnotanymore Wed 16-Jan-19 14:04:53

Yeah, I agree with the other PP. If he told you about every other girl and then forgets to mention the one he has been having secret lunches with for 2 months something smells a bit fishy... especially after him being so open and you so acceptant of it. Hopefully, you'll get it sorted either way but he knows what he's done.

oiiiiiii Wed 16-Jan-19 15:14:11

Is there really anything you can do that will change this behaviour? Scratch that - its not his behaviour that's the issue even. It's that he clearly feels something for this young lady he works with. Can you change that? Can you argue him out of it?

Leave him to it. Give him lots of rope. Say nothing. If he hangs himself, then you know the measure of him.

In the meantime take very good care of yourself. Be busy. Be unavailable. Pamper yourself and reconnect with as many friends as you can. This guy is focused on you, so focus on yourself.

Pinkmonkeybird Wed 16-Jan-19 15:32:56

Agree with @RivanQueen. He commented on how prettier she was than other colleagues, so he knows this. I had the same with my ex who worked predominantly with women and had no cause at all over the years to call into question any interaction with female colleagues until the OW came along. He would constantly search for her on social media and mutual friends of hers (I wasn't friends with her on FB) told me he would comment and like every single thing she did.

Either way, if you smell a rat, then it is there! His lack of excuse "I can't explain" is lame. He does bloody well know. I'd be fuming he is having cosy lunches and walks with her in the week - does he do this with you at the weekends?

Don't ignore your instincts, I've been there!

magoria Wed 16-Jan-19 15:37:20

Agree with the others. I'm afraid he knows exactly why he didn't tell you about lunches and long walks with this young attractive colleague.

So do you.

He is totally aware his reasons for hiding this is because it is a bit more than work colleagues.

He is insulting your intelligence by telling you it was because you would be jealous.

ZogTheOrangeDragon Wed 16-Jan-19 15:41:17

How do I move forward

By ending your relationship with him.

You say she has never private messaged him but I guarantee she has, even if just via her work email and in response to what he has sent her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 16-Jan-19 15:43:12

Sorry OP but he obviously fancies her.

He's been meeting her behind your back in secret.

You have no idea what messages they have been sending to each other at work.

You know what you need to do. Sorry.. flowers

cricketmum84 Wed 16-Jan-19 15:48:32

It sounds as though he has feelings for her to me. Whether he's acted on those feelings or even if they are reciprocated is a whole other story.

He obviously knows these feelings are wrong or else he would have told you about herZ

To the PP who exclaimed why hasn't he married you after 8 years. Erm pop back to the 1950s love! Not everyone wants to get married!

DBML Wed 16-Jan-19 15:52:03

I can’t explain means I can’t say the words to you...yet.

Ragnarhairybreetches Wed 16-Jan-19 15:54:05

Yeah my DP worked in a female heavy environment, lunches, walks, pub meals etc all fine. The one he didn't talk about? Yeah that was the one he had an affair with, not the others who I'd never met, but knew about their roles, partners, kids, pets, oh, lots and lots about them, she didn't exist.

desperatesux Wed 16-Jan-19 16:00:54

Yes similar situation although it wasn't at work. He clearly was interested but she was half his age and had no interest in him, probably didn't realise how rich he was. I was lucky nothing happened and they didn't meet much. I stayed as we had kids and to this day he won't admit there was anything untoward going on.
Most likely nothing has happened yet but he is clearly interested in her. I heard about all his tennis buddies in detail except for this one.
If I was you I would be getting to piss or get off the pot stage. Get married or move on, you are young enough and no ties of kids etc. If he head can be turned better to know now. However, doesn't sound good

Foreverexhausted Wed 16-Jan-19 16:04:25

I was that OW. And in a long term relationship 10+ years and the bloke I worked with had been with his GF a similar amount of time. We also would go for lunch with colleagues, and on our own. We would be drawn together at afterwork drinks and would often stand and chat on our own in work or just happen to make tea at the same time etc etc. Eventually we both admitted to each other what was obvious to us and everyone else, we were both so attracted to each other. BUT and this is the BUT. He didn't want to cheat on his GF or split from what he felt was a good relationship and one that he had never considered leaving before. So we put an end to the lunches and the chats etc.

I guess I'm trying to say that it isn't inevitable that there is or will be an affair. They're obviously attracted to each other, you know that already even if you don't want to admit it. He hasn't told you about her because she is his secret. He doesn't want her on your radar. You need to 'try' to get him to have a really honest conversation with you about whether they have feelings for each other, have discussed it etc.

AfterSchoolWorry Wed 16-Jan-19 17:07:48

Work dates. sad

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