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Is my husband being unreasonable or am I?

(65 Posts)
bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 22:38:17

A couple of months ago, dh and I nearly split up due to his unreasonable behaviour (he admitted it too). Very controlling and judgmental and punishing. Things have been better recently but he's now moved to a different job within the same organisation and he's becoming a nightmare again. This has been the pattern for years - he has job stress, everything at home goes pear shaped. Two days ago, I took dd for a kidney scan and was really worried about it - she has history of constipation and urine infections. She then had her first haircut and taster afternoon at her new school. Big day for all. Scan was fine and I left message on his phone to let him know. At lunch time, he arrived home and I said to hime "do you notice anything different about dd?" He snapped back, "just tell me" and was in a mood so I just ignored him and he left. He got home and still didn't ask about the day so I asked him what was going on at lunch time. He said that he was in the middle of his working day and couldn't talk to me at all - not for a second and I was unreasonable to expect a reasonable two minute exchange with him. He's now really stressed and flipped out at me and screamed at me within an inch of my face. I ran away upstairs and next morning I thought he would apologise - no he wouldn't - said I deserved it for nagging him. He's now said I don't give him support and I am to leave him alone and the only way I can help him is to do what he asks me to do. I asked him what he meant by this and he said he didn't know. It's basically back to the same old crap when he gets stressed at work I become a single parent again and have my very small needs ignored until he snaps out of it - which has taken years before.

Am I not being supportive enough maybe and is it reasonable for him to back off from his family like this?

Please help - really confused.

pirategirl Fri 29-Jun-07 22:45:39

If it has been happening for yrs, then sadly unless he does somthing about his attitude to life in general, ie where are his priorities, I dont think he will ever give you the respect you deserve.

He needs to grow up.

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 22:49:53

Thanks for that Pirategirl. Funnily enough I was thinking the very same thing about "growing up" but he really can't see it.

FlamingTomatoes Fri 29-Jun-07 22:52:15

He's being abusive - screaming in your face for asking him to look at his child!

he sounds like a self absorbed cock and why the hell should you support someone who doesn't support you.

DarrellRivers Fri 29-Jun-07 22:53:50

It sounds a very difficult situation for you to be in.
Try and get support from others in RL like friends or family or on mn , otherwise it must be driving you mad
Do stuff to look after yourself and your family

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 22:55:36


Stress is part of life. A person who has difficulty managing this needs professional help.

Quit beating yourself up.

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 22:55:47

Must admit FT, don't feel much like supporting him at the moment. Just feel really peed off that it's all going downhill again - don't think I can go through another of his "work crises". There have been so many. He is very self-absorbed when he has problems at work. His work defines him as a person - not his family - really sad.

HappyDaddy Fri 29-Jun-07 22:57:38

He's a prick, a selfish child.

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 22:58:04

Thanks Expat and DR - I've decided to look after myself and kids while this is going on and try to keep my head down to avoid him having a go at me over stuff like toilet rolls not being replaced, etc. We've been to Relate and things really improved after that so am feeling quite panicky that things may slide again.

mumto3girls Fri 29-Jun-07 22:58:31

Just tell him straight that you have given him support and time before and you are not prepared to take you and the dcs fown that track again.

Tell him to get stress counselling through work...

KittenKat Fri 29-Jun-07 22:58:48

He sounds like a proper ass. Have you told him, straight out that he is an ass?

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 22:59:59

You shouldn't have to live your life with your head down, big. OR your children.

If you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, big, imagine how your children feel.

Would you like to grow up in a house like that?

He has fits about toilet roll not being replaced?

Big, I think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

PLEASE get some counselling on your own, without him!

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 23:00:19

Interesting to hear the point of view of a chap, HD. Still have the worry that there's something more I could do to support him. As a man, what would you expect from your wife in these circs?

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 23:01:52

'Still have the worry that there's something more I could do to support him. '

Because he's crushed your self-esteem so much that you feel you are somehow to blame for his outbursts.

Not true. He's an adult.

PLEASE get some help!

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 23:03:14

Expat, he does get abusive but only when he's stressed (that's not an excuse by the way). He can be lovely sometimes. KK, I called him a selfish jerk the other day - doesn't do any good though.

HappyDaddy Fri 29-Jun-07 23:04:47

bighair, the ONLY thing I would expect would be a smack in the mouth and be told to leave.

Support him, my arse. You've done enough of that, you're not his doormat. He wouldn't talk to a bloke like that cos he'd get a slap.

I hate blokes like this. I'm sure he'll invent depression soon, to get some more sympathy.

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 23:05:09

Expat, I am having counselling at the moment and am trying to stop blaming myself for stuff. It's so hard though when that's all you hear. I am doubting myself and feeling unreasonable even writing this. He would go mental if he knew I'd posted this.

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 23:05:16

He's abusive, big.

And you need help getting the self-esteem to recognise that.

Because your kids are watching you. And him.

And learning from both your behaviour.

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 23:05:56

You're doubting yourself because you're the career goal of all abusive partners: so low a self-esteem, you believe you're responsible for their abuse.

HappyDaddy Fri 29-Jun-07 23:06:38

expat speaks sense, she does.

newlifenewname Fri 29-Jun-07 23:07:48

If you want the perspective of somebody who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship that ended up becoming violent and scary then please CAT me. I left and suddenly I got to see what normal was like. Yes, normal means a wide range of type of relationship, but it does NOT mean shouting, screaming, ignoring, undermining, devaluing, demeaning and frightening you.

purplepoppet Fri 29-Jun-07 23:08:05

Hiya bighair21

I'm quite new to this and posted earlier...had a lot of support which I thank everyone for.. but I have to say, the way your husband treats you is almost identical to mine. I have spent years trying to explain to him that I need the emotional support...any time I have a problem, he's ALWAYS to busy at work to deal with me....every time I say anything I'm 'a b*tch to live with', he says I bully him, that I nag him, etc end up feeling like you're going completely bonkers and that maybe they have a point.

I don't know what to suggest, but I just don't think they ever husband is extremely self absorbed and I get so frustrated trying to get through to him...every time i'm upset about something or need his support he will always manage to manipulate the situation around so that it ends up ME having apologising to HIM! Its madness..

forgive me, I'm not hyjacking you're thread or anything, it's just I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone in this and that your not going mad at all.

I had an issue earlier in the week again like yours, a very busy and emotionally difficult day, and my husband did exactly the same...didn't bother contacting me...I was very upset and his attitude was that he was busy at work so didn't have the time for me..I should be supporting HIM, etc etc and we are now in a situation where he is expecting an apology from ME and I feel like I'm going bonkers!!

I am in the process of kicking the self obsessed arse into touch!!

Sorry probably hasn't helped you much love, but I totally empathise When you've lived with this for years, its very difficult to have the courage of your convictions and know your own mind

bighair21 Fri 29-Jun-07 23:09:46

My self-esteem is crap I must admit and always has been. I've been married before and he had affair. Keep asking myself am I doing something intrinsically wrong or am I just unlucky. I probably let stuff happen to me without putting up too much of a fight, although I can shout and yell quite well when I'm angry. Feel like crap at mo.

AngharadGoldenhand Fri 29-Jun-07 23:10:37

Oh my love, there is no way on earth you are being unreasonable.

Can you try reading your OP back as if someone else had written it? What would you say to them?

expatinscotland Fri 29-Jun-07 23:10:42

Forgive me, purple, but it's far easier to kick your own arse in touch.

And get the hell out of 'relationship' that involves emotional abuse.

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