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My best friend is in denial - her bf is a committ phobe - can I help her ?

(9 Posts)
Oblomov Fri 29-Jun-07 15:44:37

Was thinking about thread of slagging off 15 year old friend.
I have never written about my bf, becasue there is nothing nasty to say. But I'd like some advice from you all.
She is in denial. We had a long talk and I told her so, I didn't hold back, I told her exactly what I thought. Becasue I love her. And she is making me sad. Her bf keeps promising to move in. This has been going on for 6 years. She gave him an ultimatium and then backed down. He always has some plausible excuse and even I think they are plausible. But she now says that "not everyone is like me" . She is so in denial , its untrue. She's even convinced herself that this is o.k.
Can I help her in anyway. How can she let him treat her this way. And how do I listen, without blowing my top, in the future ?

FlamingTomatoes Fri 29-Jun-07 15:46:04

you might need to back off this subject completely, and say there is nothing more you can say to help her with it.

witchandchips Fri 29-Jun-07 15:59:26

think you have said all you can. There are two possibiliies
1) you are right and she is going to get very very hurt. you need to make sure that she trusts you and doesn't have to go through you were right i was wrong business before she gets the hug she needs from you. Thus you have to accept things the way they are
2) you are wrong and it soeme way it does work out. if this is the case you don't want relationships between the three of you to be difficult because they know your disaprove
either way you need to back off
god it sounds difficult but think of it as practice for when our dcs get themselves into similar pickles

Oblomov Fri 29-Jun-07 16:18:35

I phoned her the night after our 'talk'. I had been shaking with ....rage, during it. I told her that I was sorry for hurting her, but not sorry for what I had said, becasue I loved her. That I wanted her to know that I was there for her, whatever.
My dh and her parents and all her friends think he is a committment phobe. I am not alone. But I don't really blame him. I blame her for putting up with it. But her denial, saying things like, " what is o.k. for you, isn't o.k. for everyone", amde me weep, because I was shocked that she had ...sunk that low.
I was kind of hoping that you would tell me how to guide her, out of her denial. Or to atleast make her think about things - because I didn't think her self worth was 'that' low, but.... if you are saying I need to keep stum and just be supportive, then I can do that.

FlamingTomatoes Fri 29-Jun-07 16:20:00

Take her out to meet other men? She might realise she doesn't always have to be treated like crap to be loved.

witchandchips Fri 29-Jun-07 16:24:01

keep stum about the relationship but you could try and build up her confidence in other ways. is she scared of being single or losing mr "i need my space"

Quattrocento Fri 29-Jun-07 16:25:47

Hlo ob

You know, the dynamics of other people's relationships cannot always be easily understood from the outside. I thought that the boyfriend of one of my best friends was a total commitment phobe. He refused to move in for YEARS, there were issues around his parents' xenophobia too, biological clock ticking away merrily blah blah.

This was four years ago. Boy did I want to tell her to ditch him. Now they are very happily married and have two children.

Oblomov Fri 29-Jun-07 16:26:34

scared of being single ? - I can only assume so.
I am saddened, that she has sunk so low and that I didn't realise.

Oblomov Fri 29-Jun-07 16:27:43

Thank you for you replies, all three of you. Quattro, I so hope you are right.

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