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Should I trust DH

(31 Posts)
rustytissues Sat 12-Jan-19 13:52:30

I don't know what to do, an issue a few months ago has left me completely untrusting.
- visiting family and stayed at a hotel, I was trying to settle baby, he decided to go to reception to ask for recommendations on restaurant to take family to dinner. After 20mins I went downstairs, he's leaning over the desk chatting and laughing with the receptionist. Same receptionist most days (there 3 at this point) very pretty but before this didn't even cross my mind to be concerned. Other moments during stay that bothered me where he'd disappear for a bit, plus the 'big tip' he gave her at the end.

Anyway, we get back adds her on Facebook and then I lose it, say he's being extremely disrespectful and inappropriate, he deletes request (I wasn't snooping, he brazenly told me) and since then I haven't felt the same.

He's been moving locations for work a lot recently which is unusual, and received some messages from an old flame which he told me about, but I'm constantly questioning whether he's covering something up. I just don't trust him anymore. I'm beginning to think we may have to separate as I can't stomach feeling like this for the rest of our marriage, but am I the one being unreasonable? Do I need to get past this and learn to trust him, also, how on earth do I do that?

I know this sounds terribly childish, we're both late 30s and married for 5years together for 8, we've had a lot of other things to deal with over this time, close bereavements and infertility, and maybe I'm just looking for the next problem.

(So not to drip feed, I had an issue many years ago where he was very close to a woman he worked with and referred to her as his 'work wife' I never spoke up about this though, as I thought he would just think me 'jealous')

Musti Sat 12-Jan-19 14:01:05

Truthfully I'd be a bit jealous but wouldn't be concerned. He's befriended someone and then added her on Facebook. I do that all the time and I'd be pissed off if my oh had a problem with that. My ex was super jealous and saw lots of things that were only in his mind. So unless there is something else then I'd say it's your issue.

feministwithtitsin Sat 12-Jan-19 14:15:02

I completely disagree with Musti. Who on earth adds people on Facebook who are just employees of a hotel you stayed in? Why? For what purpose? They aren't friends, she is just a woman doing a job. How did he even find out her full name to do this? Bizarre. I sometimes speak to tesco staff, but I wouldn't be hunting them down on social media. It's weird, and unless he had a specific reason to do so, a bit sleazy.

I don't know whether you should trust your husband or not, but I think you should trust yourself.

rustytissues Sat 12-Jan-19 14:16:18

Thats what has caused these feelings, I'm willing to accept that this may just be me and IBU, but I don't know what to do to fix that, or if I can't stop it, is it fair to either of us to continue the relationship.

feministwithtitsin Sat 12-Jan-19 14:19:40

I think it may help talking to your husband about boundaries. Tell him you aren't comfortable with this behaviour. Explain how the work wife thing made you feel and take it from there.

rustytissues Sat 12-Jan-19 14:20:01

feminist, that's how I felt, the blatant flirting and spending so long asking a basic question bothered me. Overall, I've felt quite secure in our relationships the doubts have started since the hotel stay, but the relationship has been a little strained since the arrival of DC.

croprotationinthe13thcentury Sat 12-Jan-19 14:23:29

The work wife bullshit would have been enough for most people.
Actually, he sounds quite creepy and a bit of a cock.

Charlie97 Sat 12-Jan-19 14:25:30

I would not like at all, completely inappropriate!

Aprilshowerswontbelong Sat 12-Jan-19 14:25:31

He is a dick who needs his ego constantly stroked.
Wouldn't be putting up with that shit.

Beaverhausen Sat 12-Jan-19 14:26:25

I would not be jealous but suspicious.

rustytissues Sat 12-Jan-19 15:16:15

What should I say? He's just going to minimise it. Should I suggest counselling? I'm not really sure if I can fix how I feel about it right now.

Aprilshowerswontbelong Sat 12-Jan-19 15:29:49

Me personally would tell him the bus driver /taxi driver /shop assistant asked for my number. And you are friends on fb now.
Let him now how inappropriate he has been by flirting on - he is a married man ffs.

feministwithtitsin Sat 12-Jan-19 15:37:47

To be honest, it's not really about you fixing it. It's about him acknowledging his poor behaviour, and accepting that it needs to change. If he doesn't, I don't see how a marriage with no trust and weak boundaries can last. He has to change his behaviour, hopefully that will help you change the way you feel about it. If he won't, or just minimises, then you have to decide if you can be married to a man like this or not.

MsDogLady Sat 12-Jan-19 20:13:23

Rusty, when you say he was very close to his co-worker, did you suspect an emotional affair? At the very least, it was an inappropriate connection if you felt discomfort and pressure to be a ‘cool wife.’

Regarding the messaging exchange with his old flame, many relationship counselors equate messaging with texting/calling. I would consider any type of reconnection with an ex to be out-of-bounds.

And the episode with the hotel receptionist? You were correct to go ballistic. He felt entitled to act like a single man.

Rusty, this is a man with very weak boundaries who craves validation from colleagues, exes and total strangers. His having mentionitis about some of this should not be reassuring. You’ve discovered how he behaves behind the scenes. He is breaching his loyalty to you, breaking your trust, and creating emotional distance between you. I wouldn’t live this way.

If you want him to feel the loss of you, tell him that he has eroded your trust and send him away for a while. Counseling for him will only be effective if he recognizes his selfish, pervasive need for ego boosts and wants to change. Counseling for you would be beneficial in many ways, one being to investigate why you have settled for so little, going back to your refusal to deal with his inappropriate closeness with his colleague.

BaconPringles Sat 12-Jan-19 20:48:11

As someone who’s worked as a hotel receptionist I would be stunned if they tried to add me on Facebook. A defo line crossing there

Ladybug123 Sat 12-Jan-19 20:56:02

He’s crossing boundaries. You have EVERY reason to mistrust this. This kind of selfish and entitled behaviour does lead to affairs. I’d be snooping if I were you. Read ‘just good friends’ I think it’s by Glass. Forewarned is forearmed, I wish I had known more when my husband started to cross boundaries. I’m so sorry because it all sucks!

booboo24 Sun 13-Jan-19 07:15:48

The hotel receptionist issue would have upset me too, and made me question his loyalty. The work wife incident, not so much, I think that's quite a common thing, it doesn't usually mean much, and is usually a bit of a joke. If there was more to that relationship then that's different, but just calling her that wouldn't bother me, especially If he openly did it.

I think that i'd make my feelings about the hotel part very clear, I'd make sure he understood that I wouldn't put up with a lifetime of that kind of behaviour, and then I'd watch and see how he conducted himself afterwards. I would seek some counselling for yourself if you feel that your trust issues are not completely rational, and it might help you make a decision either way too. I wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over this issue alone....yet.

rustytissues Sun 13-Jan-19 15:56:48

We had a talk last night, he told me he'd done nothing wrong. I explained how I wasn't happy with this behaviour.
He told me messaging back the old flame was to just be polite. I asked if he'd be okay with me doing the same, he said yes because he trusted me.

But I don't trust him. So it's not okay.

I dug up everything, even mentioning the work wife thing, he agreed with me and said it made him uncomfortable at the time too 🙄 (sorry, drip feed, she was a 16 year old girl, that's why he was 'uncomfortable')

He admitted after I questioned his motives that the Facebook/receptionist was because he did indeed fancy her.

booboo24 Sun 13-Jan-19 16:51:20

oh dear, well what did he hope to achieve by adding her on facebook?

ISdads Sun 13-Jan-19 16:56:20

Have you ever looked through his phone for proof of an affair? He sounds like he will always behave this way. I guess you can lay down an ultimatum but he can just get better at hiding his behaviour instead. Can you live with it? Or behave equally as badly? If not, I would consider separating as this will erode your self esteem in the long run. Sorry x

thisusernameisrubbish Sun 13-Jan-19 17:38:44

He admitted after I questioned his motives that the Facebook/receptionist was because he did indeed fancy her.

OUCH. I mean that was obvious with why he did it, but to admit it. We all fancy people in relationships, but to pursue her via adding her on social media shows there was more he was hoping for. What else would he want to achieve? Have a perv over her photos? Or get chatting and hope for more. Just because he's being fairly open about things - flirting in front of you, telling you he added her on fb - to me just shows his level of disrespect for you. It's like he feels if he tells you so much then he can just get away with it.

I would want to see what he responded to his old flame, as to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if he seeked her out. I would also be keeping an eye on his activity online - yes I know frowned upon by most - but clearly he can't be trusted, he is pushing boundaries.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 13-Jan-19 17:38:58

I wouldn't trust him, and if I didn't see an improvement in this innapropriate stuff I would be rethinking the relationship. Be careful the activity doesn't just go underground. I wouldn't want to live live this. This is the test of how much he values your relationship sad

Closetbeanmuncher Sun 13-Jan-19 18:33:22

No I don't think you should trust him....He has a need for continuous validation, and at your expense.

The absolute cringe of the i've still got it dance hes doing would make my vagina clamp shut for eternity.

Good god imagine what he will be like in his 40sconfused

LaughingCow99 Sun 13-Jan-19 18:38:59

Totally disrespectful. Do you think he will or could change? I could not be with a man like this

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sun 13-Jan-19 19:02:37

Omg, he is an absolute disrespectful prick! No, I would not trust him in the slightest and would expect him to be unfaithful at some point (if he hasn't been already).
Judging by his response in your talk he obviously does not give a crap about hurting you, that alone would end it for me.
Stunned at the sheer audacity to leer over the receptionist so brazenly, how can you bear to look at his stupid smug face?

Hope you have a job and could manage if need be, op, because you are married to a prize dickhead, sorry.

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