Is My Partner Abusive?

[Lifealmostbeginning]

I’m so confused. I’ve been with my partner a year. My ex husband was abusive (verbally and physically) and I was single for several years since then before meeting my partner. My partner is usually kind and gentle, very laid back. He is encouraging and supportive. He never usually puts me down is not remotely controlling. However, he does have a tendency to be a little grumpy/snappy at times, occasioannly over reacting, usually if he feels I’m criticising.

Tonight I’d felt he was thoughtless. I tried to bring it but I’m a jokey kind of way. It wasn’t a huge deal. He snapped and stormed off to bed. I probably should have left it, but I hate unresolved conflict and felt he had over reacted so I went to try and talk to him. He was clearly quite upset about it, said our relationship clearly wasn’t working, that I never wanted to leave the house or go anywhere and so I said he should leave. (We don’t live together) he refused. I went away and then came back a few minutes later to ask him to talk to me or leave. I probably should have left it, but he got angry, screamed at me that I was a cnt, a fucking cnt, a mad c*nt and I said again he should leave.

I went and sat in the kitchen while he got his stuff and left.

I’m not really sure what to think tbh. I know name calling is a red flag, but is it possible for someone to do this and it not escalate? I know we all get angry at times, but I can’t imagine calling names like that during an argument.

[Lozzerbmc]

We all get annoyed and angry sometimes and we can all overreact to things at times too, but to use that language is disgraceful so i think its for the best . Sorry but wishing you well x

[jessstan2]

I'm glad you have seen sense and given him marching orders.
STICK TO IT!!!

Dreadful language.

However, he is right: the relationship is not working.

Good luck for the future. Don't be so quick to set up home with the next one, you're worth more.

For now (not much), and move onwards and upwards. x

[oiiiiiii]

He's shown you who he is op. I'm really sorry.

A year sadly isn't that long. It's quite normal for a man to only just start to show his true colours 1-2 years in.

Stay rid. I know it's hard but it's for the best. He was awful to you, you didn't deserve that, what a terrifying and heartbreaking experience for you x

[Monty27]

Don't have him back. Nobody should get you feeling like that .

[Lifealmostbeginning]

Jessstan2, ‘set up home’? We didn’t live together.

Thanks everyone. I know I was right to make him leave, but I feel so conflicted and I don’t know why. Everything else is the exact opposite of a typical abuser I suppose.

I feel utter disbelief this morning, like it’s a dream.

[Babdoc]

OP, well done! I think you should be proud of yourself, that this time round you have recognised abusive behaviour straight away, and dealt with it swiftly and effectively.
You have asserted your boundaries, had the self esteem to refuse to be sworn at, and given the twerp his marching orders.
Look back and see what amazing progress you’ve made since the days of your ex husband. Go, you!

[Hidingtonothing]

Everything else is the exact opposite of a typical abuser I suppose

The above doesn't matter, if a cup of tea contained 'only' 10% shit you still wouldn't drink it would you? The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none, and calling you a cunt is most definitely abusive.

I also think it's extremely doubtful he wouldn't escalate at some point, as a PP said 1-2 years in is a common point for abuse to start and when you forgive at the beginning it's like a green light to push the boundary. Well done for booting him, now make sure he stays gone or he will think he's got away with it and then you've left the door wide open for him to escalate. Stay busy, talk to friends irl and come back here if you feel yourself weakening, MN is great when you need talking down

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Life
I think even though its good to know what red flags look like for abuse but i think its equally as important to just know what you dont like and dont want.
Iv also come out of an abusive relationship and find the whole dating thing scary. The abuse was never physical but pretty much everything else. I think setting your own boundaries and knowing what you do and dont want in a relationship is equally as important.
You have done the right thing xx

[Lifealmostbeginning]

Thankyou. I’ve spoken to my two closest friends about this. They know him well and are both shocked. One thinks that maybe this was triggered because he was in an abusive (violent) relationship himself before because this was after he’d come over after going out and he had said ‘you never want me going out’ or something similar, which is absolutely and most definitely NOT the case. Although that clearly doesn’t excuse it.

I think it’s probanly a culmination of a lot of things going on recently. I’m overthinking it. I’m NOT prepared to be spoken to like that and although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t wondering if there was a way to resolve it, I know that it absolutely is a green light for that kind of behaviour.

I have so much going on in my life right now, this had made things extra stressful

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Feel empowered by this situation, you know what you will and will not except and his behaviour wasn't good enough! Good on you