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Over the last six months my friend has discovered that three.. THREE of the men she’s been dating are married

(36 Posts)
Bittercynic Sat 12-Jan-19 00:09:31

I met my friend for a catch up the other day. She’s 32, single, successful in career, meets a lot of people through work.

In the past 6 months she’s been in the first stages of “going out” with three men (one after the other) and all of them over the course of the first few weeks have confessed to being married but excused their duplicitous behaviour for exactly the same following reasons:

Their wife has not had sex with them since the birth of the last child

One of the children has a problem / either SEN or autism or a physical disability, so they can’t get a divorce. Or that as a result of that problem their wife is anxious about it and pays no attention to them.

That their kids love them but their wife is unaffectionate.

That they sleep in a separate bed to their wives

That their wife will take all their money if they leave so they have to stay

She showed me the social media account of one of them which she found after the confession. All family pictures, kids, couple’s pictures, “my family is everything” memes, just like my DH’s social media.

My friend said these men didn’t blink in the process of being physically or emotionally unfaithful. There was not even a hesitation in holding hands on the street, kissing publicly, going out for dinner.

It just makes me feel like it could be anyone.

FrenchSchnoodle Sat 12-Jan-19 00:45:44

In my experience it's almost normal now to see profiles on dating sites stating that the person is married and looking for 'more' .

I don't think that people have a clue just how many married people are openly on these sites and would be shocked at how blatant they are...photos of them, photos of their kids! It's horrid

SandyY2K Sat 12-Jan-19 01:20:05

I can believe it. I was checking out a couple of sites (following something a client said) so I joined to see how it worked.

I engaged in conversation and many married...telling me they travel a lot for work and see me for a hook up.

Telling me they've been cheating for years. One was with the next door neighbour. His wife was a nurse. When she goes to night duty..OW comes over.

Story is

Dead bedroom.
Wife doesn't want sex
Won't agree to an open marriage.
Can't lose assets

Most of the ones I spoke to had older kids though. Still...they didn't want to get divorced.

I don't disbelieve them about no sex. I just think they need to get divorced...but most still love their wives (they say) ... every thing else in the marriage is fine.

MadameFoner Sat 12-Jan-19 01:37:15

God this is so fucking depressing. Marriage means zero to some people these days......it's just really sad and I wonder if in about 20 years or so from now will it just be a big free for all with people having multiple partners and it being the norm?

Donkdonkgoo Sat 12-Jan-19 01:40:15

I can believe this, These last ten years I feel this type of behavior have become normalized.
I have been single for over two years due to just not having faith in finding a loyal man.
I know sooo many that are fooling around/or I'm convinced would fool around. I know 3 men that I honestly 100% know wouldn't the rest have a massive ? Above their heads.

Donkdonkgoo Sat 12-Jan-19 01:44:52

Madame foner
That's the thing you spend years building a relationship and trust and its destroyed "just like that"... I'm nooo longer prepared to invest so much emotional energy into anyone.... I'm now content with just family/work and friends.

gluteustothemaximus Sat 12-Jan-19 01:57:50

I believe that too. Married men have hit on me since I was no longer jail bate. And before that too.

Worked in a few places and saw numerous affairs. Numerous calls to wives about working late.

Dated a man who revealed he was separated but still living with wife due to financial reasons. Went to a works do with partners invited. They definitely were not separated and they had two children sad

Glad I don't go out anymore.

Dunin Sat 12-Jan-19 05:56:12

This is just such sad reading. Online dating has made it so easy for married men to cheat sad the world is literally their oyster. What’s the point in getting married really?

RedTartanLass Sat 12-Jan-19 06:03:44

It's not just the men!!! I've had a good few OLD meetings and some of their (the men's) horrid stories are just as bad.

Some people are just duplicitous eejits no matter what sex they are!

Donkdonkgoo Sat 12-Jan-19 07:50:11

Redtartan
Your right that women do fool too but I just seem to hear about it soo much from women about men.

Gluteus
Snap I don't go out anymore either and dating sites well.. depressing and clearly rife with lack of decent guys. They can't even be honest about their height 🙄

Donkdonkgoo Sat 12-Jan-19 07:54:09

I've not only given up on finding someone, ive accepted it and making a life for myself content with just my son, family and friends, it helps that my sex drive is zero since I hit 44 (46 now) I used to have a really really high sex drive.

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sat 12-Jan-19 07:58:56

@MadameFoner I've pondered this too. I feel monogamy may well be on the way out.

DarienGap Sat 12-Jan-19 08:08:13

How sad to hear this but I can well believe it since the advent of online dating and those hookup sites.
I'm well aware women cheat too but it always seems to be that it's men on these sites basically just looking for sex. Why get married if you're going to screw around?

Donkdonkgoo Sat 12-Jan-19 09:23:47

What surprises me me is that people play "Russian Roulette" with their marriages and kids then are surprised, gutted and suicidal when their wives/partners/husbands leave them 🙄🔫.
It's as if they don't live in the real world.

Robin2323 Sat 12-Jan-19 10:06:36

It certainly is easier.
Bit even 30 years ago
When I got divorced in my twenty's I had a load of married men falling out the wood work.
I told them where to shove it ha ha.
There are some lovely single guys out there.
I met my dh through friends so I knew his status.
Don't give up ladies !

pissedonatrain Sat 12-Jan-19 10:56:56

Of course cheating has always occurred but it used to take more effort to do. With the internet, it becomes much easier and many more opportunities. Cheaters thinking something outside themselves will make them happier.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 12-Jan-19 11:02:52

I’m afraid this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. It’s not just online either

SandyY2K Sat 12-Jan-19 11:24:40

I would also say a lot of the married men are cheating with married women.

Enough married women sign up to Ashley Madison... and the like.

I used to think it was mainly married men that cheated.

What I've seen is that more married men cheat with single women...than the reverse (i.e. married women are cheating (more) with married men than with single men)

Plus if you have a look at the Surviving infidelity site... you'll see it's about 50/50.

Dirtybadger Sat 12-Jan-19 11:47:34

I briefly used OLD years ago and had married men contacting me. I was in my early 20s and NOT interested. I said so. Some if them were absolutely vile to me- because I rejected them. I was a judgmental sour bitch, silly little girl doesn't understand marriage. Not sure why they wanted to fuck me, then. Ugh.

Yes very depressing.

But I'm sure you know women who don't cheat. And there are their male equivalents. It can't be everyone. Unfortunately I think it's really hard to tell who these ones are....

Micke Sat 12-Jan-19 11:54:12

every thing else in the marriage is fine.

ie. she does the washing, keeps the house tidy and does all the household paperwork and he doesn't want to do all that drudge himself.

I'm a little older, in a settled relationship, but every one of DP's immediate colleagues except for one has cheated on their wife/pregnant partner.

I don't know what's going on, if this is new, or if it's always been this way but I just didn't know.

Changedname3456 Sat 12-Jan-19 12:30:39

My exW cheated but I never have and my DP’s exH cheated but she never has. I don’t think it has anything much to do with gender; you either value the commitments you make to a partner or you don’t.

I also agree that marriages are likely to become more “fluid” in the future as the stigma of affairs breaks down. It’s not how I’d prefer to see it going, but maybe it’s just a case of wider society being a bit more honest with itself.

SandyY2K Sat 12-Jan-19 13:32:43

every thing else in the marriage is fine.

ie. she does the washing, keeps the house tidy and does all the household paperwork and he doesn't want to do all that drudge himself.

No. As in they get on well. They socialise together, go on holidays, no arguments, he still loves her, but she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

A couple of them say they've been given the go ahead to have sex outside the marriage discreetly.

What I find is, this is not limited to the UK. I don't believe they would all be lying.... as a lot of them are based in the U.S, and I'm not an option for them. I'm not looking for anyone.

It's often a lot easier talking to a stranger.

I often ask why they dont get divorced. The reasons are a mix of:

"I love her"
"The kids"
"I think every woman loses interest after a while." Especially those on a second marriage
"The finances"
"Feeling like a failure"

StarsAndWater Sat 12-Jan-19 13:39:33

every thing else in the marriage is fine.

ie. she does the washing, keeps the house tidy and does all the household paperwork and he doesn't want to do all that drudge himself.

No. As in they get on well. They socialise together, go on holidays, no arguments, he still loves her, but she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

I saw my xH's messages. He had been in a sexless marriage for years, poor thing. He'd just managed to forget the regular sex we were having and that we were trying for another DC.
I don't doubt it happens sometimes but I think most of the time when men use this, it's just a convenient excuse to get a bit on the side while still getting all the benefits of being married.

SandyY2K Sat 12-Jan-19 16:08:06

Well you only have to read on here how many marriages are sexless...how many women have lost their libido.

Of course it's not always true... I don't doubt that for a minute. Some men (and women) want it all.

With men it's we dont sleep together... with women they say he's abusive. All to get sympathy

FreshlyWashed Sat 12-Jan-19 16:19:30

There was a thread in AIBU a while ago (could've been a couple of years) from a woman saying she was newly single and was stunned at how many of her married friends/friend's DHs were propositioning her. I think she said they almost all suggested massaging her as the opening shot.

She absolutely got her arse handed to her on that thread, and poster after poster telling her she was stealth boasting (actually, in her OP she said she was only averagely attractive).

It really wasn't the point she was trying to make.

Very sad. I think we all hope our own DH's will never behave like that (and, indeed, neither will we!).

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