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Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

(192 Posts)
Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:48:49

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

Honeyroar Fri 11-Jan-19 20:57:26

He’s a nasty shit and has been horrible. He still is. It’s no wonder you are reeling and feeling so shattered.

Who’s house is it? Who is on the tenancy? You need to start being really strong- you can’t go on like this, living together and breaking your heart every time he goes out. HE needs to find somewhere to live. You and the children are settled where you are, and you’re what counts.. Have you friends or family around you? I think counselling is a good start.

hugsee Fri 11-Jan-19 21:01:12

He sounds immature and you can do much better.

Seriously don't waste your life on him.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:01:58

Consider yourself lucky that you didn't marry this bellend. He isn't worth a single tear.

RadioGagga Fri 11-Jan-19 21:02:11

I know you can't see it now but you are better off without him. You will find your strength to get through this and get your confidence back in time. One day you won't want him back sweetie.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:04:05

That's the thing though, he actually not been horrible. He's been lovely about it all.

In a way I wish he was nasty and had just hurt me, so then I could be angry and hate him.

But he's being so nice about everything - he deserves to be happy. He can't help who he's fell for but it doesn't make it hurt any less for me.

We are both on the tenancy but as things stand the rent is expensive and neither of us could afford to stay here singly. So we both need to find somewhere new.

We have the children to think about and I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow for them but I'm finding it so hard.

I love him to bits and I would take him back in a heartbeat if he'd have mesad

magoria Fri 11-Jan-19 21:09:33

He is a serial cheat. No woman is ever going to be his forever girl because he is always going to be on the lookout for fresher meat (to be blunt).

Why do you have to move out and uproot the DC? Can you stay in the house and he moves out?

Once you are out and he is over the guilty stage expect the bare minimum help or support from him.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:13:57

He hasn't cheated though. He told me he started to have feelings for a girl who he has never kissed. He hasn't even got her number.

I told him the same, that he will get bored of his next girlfriend after a few years and will find someone new as a replacement - then be in a loop until he's an old man or realises the mistake he's made.

And regardless of what happens between us I know he will always stand by the kids.

They are his life - I know 100% they will always come first to him. He is a brilliant father

WeeMadArthur Fri 11-Jan-19 21:21:03

I think you have had a lucky escape to see his true colours before you got married. I don’t think he is capable of deep feeling, if he turns round now and says he loves you and wants to marry you then it would only br until the next pretty girl turned his head. You don’t want to put your happiness in someone like thats hands.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:40:42

I don't feel lucky. He works as a bouncer and sees thousands of pretty girls every single weekend and he has always come home to me until now.

He said when he got the ring in his hand, it made him realise I wasn't his forever person - and once he had that in his head, he felt there was new space for other people.

He said that no matter where he met this girl he would have felt the same about her.

He talked to me about it last week and he agreed that we are worth trying for - I've forgive him for so much in the past and that we've been through thick and thin - he should at least give us another go.

So this week I've arranged to get the kids watched for the first time in years and I've put loads of effort in - booked us tickets to do stuff and he turned around and said he can't get the girl out of his head and it's just not going to work.

sandytoe Fri 11-Jan-19 21:43:11

He's not being 'lovely' though. He is leaving you with 2 very small children and is emotionally manipulating you.

He is leaving you for a fantasy of what life would be like with another woman. This is so insulting to you. You have been in a long term relationship and you have given him two children! The fact he is comparing this woman to the 21 year old you is emotionally abusive. He is trying to put you down and make you feel like rubbish. He is trying to make you think that this is your fault for not being like the 21 year old you. People grow up (although I know you say you're only 24) and things change when you have kids. He sounds like a total arse who needs to grow up. As for putting on the pounds you only had a baby 4 months ago!! He should be being supportive of you not putting you down.

He sounds like someone who likes to emotionally manipulate, he builds you up just to put you down. Saying he was going to propose and that he had got an amazing ring is building you up just to then devastate you by saying that not only does he not want to marry you he is leaving you because he likes the look of a girl he saw and they remind him of the old you.
He didn't just decide when he got the ring that you weren't the one for him. Don't believe that complete bullshit.

He is not lovely at all. He is a total arse and does not deserve you. He has made you think that he is mr. Wonderful and is loving the fact that you are devastated. Im not saying to do this but I bet he would not be so happy if you said 'yeah I don't really think you're the one for me either, I'm going to start dating too'. He wants you to be falling over him and devastated. He is not a nice person.

1Redacted1 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:46:36

What a load of absolute bollocks.

He’s a cheat. Dressing it up in pretty words (which sound like a serial cheat’s script, BTW) which he has doubtless learned women will forgive him anything if he spouts this crap, doesn’t make him less of a cheat.

Take back some control and bin him or be prepared to still be hearing this shite in 15 years time.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:54:43

Well I feel like his is being lovely. He's helping out as much as he can, he doesn't want to see me upset. He is trying to be nice to me. (I can't currently drive and he has offered to put me through my test - buy me a car and a year's worth of insurance so me and the kids will find it easier getting about without him)

He didn't want to tell me anything about this girl, because he didn't want to hurt me -
it's only because I forced it out of him and that was his response - that's she's pretty and reminds him of the old me.

He said he still thinks I'm pretty and he's not tried to put me down.

I feel fat, compared to before having children and he has always told me not to be silly that I'm gorgeous.

I don't think it's just about looks. Like this girl is younger and probably thinner and prettier but he says I'm just not his forever person and thats what it boils down too

He has said he wouldn't mind if I started seeing someone else as long as I'm happy and it doesn't effect the children. By the sounds of it, he is over me. Its just killing me inside.

It's all a massive shock, it's not like we've had a bad patch and we are both feeling similar. I thought I had my whole life planned out and in a matter of days it's been turned upside down 😭

babba2014 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:59:41

I think you are being completely blinded about this guy but you have been from the very start.
He isn't that great, his actions aren't anyway.
He's being nice to you so you don't chuck him out. The rent is expensive alone and yes he may care that his kids are not on the street hence not just leaving so he's using the whole situation to his advantage in that he has a stable home whilst he explores his new option. He may end up with her, it may break down after and he knows you'll be right there waiting for him. But for now he might as well be nice to you as rent is so expensive elsewhere and he can also go explore.

Cambionome Fri 11-Jan-19 22:00:31

You need to start finding your anger here op - he really gas done a number on you. sad

Cambionome Fri 11-Jan-19 22:01:13


Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:03:53

He's offered to live in his car while he sorts out a new house for me and the kids and that he will sort himself out after. Obviously I'm never going to let that happen.

I don't know what I expected from this. I feel like I'm just constantly sticking up for him because he hasn't actually done anything wrong apart from hurt me accidentally.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:06:52

I couldn't help falling in love with him - you can't help who you fall for.

If he's fell for this girl - that's not his fault.

The main thing is, he wasn't unfaithful to me and was honest with his feelings.

He does deserve to be happy, and if this girl makes him happy then I hope they live a long happy life together.

I'm just sad that it's not me he's happy with 😭😭

BlancheM Fri 11-Jan-19 22:10:39

That is brutal sad
He's offering this, that and the other knowing full well you'll not take him up on it. He's all talk.
Like PP said, he's well and truly done a number on you and you can't see it because he's sugar coating everything so he doesn't look like the bad guy- and you're buying it.

1Redacted1 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:10:42

Wow, he’s got you hook line and sinker, hasn’t he?

Honeyroar Fri 11-Jan-19 22:12:24

It was his fault that while he was “falling for this other girl” he was talking about marrying you. He’s very cold.

Start looking for somewhere else to live, find out what maintenance you’re entitled to. Get you and your kids somewhere you can start to build yourself up again. The longer you’re in this situation the longer it will hurt..

Cambionome Fri 11-Jan-19 22:12:47

So basically he got a bit bored and started looking around for someone else.
He doesn't even know this girl... ?

I don't think he is some kind of a hero - he's a selfish man who is doing whatever pleases him and fuck everyone else.

Ihatethis1 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:20:30

I know that's how I feel sometimes aswell and it's making me angry.

But then when I think about it logically it's not his fault I'm not his forever person anymore. Like he says 'people change' and they do. He's changed and wants something different. He isn't happy with me anymore and wants to give himself a chance to be happy with someone else. Is that so bad? He can't stay with me forever just to keep me happy. He needs to put himself first

I don't want any money off him. We are planning on moving into houses in the same town for the kids.

He will keep them for 3 nights a week and I get 4. Im just confused because a couple of weeks ago I was planning my full future and now I don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow.

All I have in this life is my little family and it's crumbling and I feel helpless and sad and I don't know what to do for the best 😭

Morgan12 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:21:29

Oh God I wish I could literally shake some sense into you. You are letting him walk all over you. You need to find a backbone and fast cause I'm sure he won't be 'lovely' for much longer. You will look back on this situation one day and kick yourself for acting this way. Let him leave and sleep in the car.

eve34 Fri 11-Jan-19 22:23:16

I'm so sorry you are going through this and with such young children. If it is any comfort they will adjust

I remember clearly how my heart broke. I still feel very strongly that when you have children with someone that means something and you have to put the effort in. Rather than throw the towel in because it isn't like it use to be. But then I am bias.

Ex had ow. He started with the i will do all I can shit and that we should remain friends and I deserve to meet someone who deserves me.

It was all bull shit and only said so they can look like a great guy. I drew my line. He has clearly shown me how much of a priority I was. And from that point on he was no longer involved in my life. He hated it. Because he wanted to look like this great guy helping out his children mother. I was not going to let leave showered in glory.

Only you know how you can handle this right now. Gather good people around you. Seek support. Get a claim
In for tax credits/uc. Found out of housing benefit will cover your rent. You might not have to move. He will need to contribute child support. And start packing his stuff up. He thinks the grass is greener so be it. Show him what it is going to look like being a part time dad.

I know how hard doing all that is as your world is going to pieces. You need to dig deep now. Take it Day by day. And try to not engage with him anymore than necessary.

You are young and I know you don't want to hear this but there is someone else out there for you. I still want to stamp my feel 12 months on and say. I deserve him to of given the children and I the best of him. But this is what it is and we have no choice now but to move on and rebuild. Just going to take time.

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