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H has left me

(153 Posts)
confusedandunsure84 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:31:28

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

pointythings Fri 11-Jan-19 19:37:15

There'll be someone else. Brace yourself. Don't do the 'pick me' dance but focus on getting your financial situation sorted and not being screwed over. Don't trust him.

newroundhere Fri 11-Jan-19 19:38:32

I don't know what to say other than to offer flowers. I'm sure others with more words of wisdom will be along soon but I didn't want to read and run.

Your H has done a really shitty thing - leaving a note and disappearing is so spineless. I'm sorry sad

HollowTalk Fri 11-Jan-19 19:40:33

What a coward he is. I agree with a PP that there's very likely to be another woman around. He knew if he talked to you then he'd end up telling you.

I'm so sorry; you must be in shock.

SophiaLovesSummer Fri 11-Jan-19 19:41:15

I'm so sorry, you must be utterly stunned. I don't want to make anything worse but I would give you a heads up to brace for both possiblity of OW and 'the script' when you try and confront him/delve deeper.

Unless there is maybe some MH issue you've not mentioned (depression??) for doing a sudden bunk, he has clearly already prepared for this mentally - which also leans towards OWsad - and has just treated you appallingly (& your DC too) in just fucking off.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL? Family, friends? You need support right now, experience and years of MN'ing lean towards this may gets worse for you before it gets better so please please speak to those that love you. Good luck, flowers

Smellbellina Fri 11-Jan-19 19:42:53

I don’t think text him, however tempting it is.
Have you got anyone else you could call to talk it over with?

SophiaLovesSummer Fri 11-Jan-19 19:43:13

X-post re likliehood of OW.

You need to remember that - quite literally - you don't know him anymore; you cannot trust him to have your interests at heart so please please protect your position.

Singlenotsingle Fri 11-Jan-19 19:43:33

Definitely there's an OW lurking in the background. Difficult to know how exactly to play it but don't let him take control. You decide when to tell the dc.

gambaspilpil Fri 11-Jan-19 19:44:49

so he leaves you a note informing you that it has ended and he will be back on Sunday to talk to the DC? I think the person he should be speaking to is you....I would be losing the plot and would be on the phone. He doesnt get to leave a note, and then return to tell the DC. Take control of this nightmare. He needs to shift his ass and speak to you and treat you with some damn respect. The man is a weazel and I agree with others he will likely have another woman. Hence is ability to be so blase and calm as he has been thinking about this for a while and has moved on....

Pockybot Fri 11-Jan-19 19:45:50

Look at the book runaway husbands,written by a therapist who went through exactly this

Mummyoftwo91 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:46:16

So sorry opthanks I wouldn't message him give yourself some time to let it all sink in you must be in shock

MumsyJ Fri 11-Jan-19 19:47:06

Oh no OP, I'm so sorry to read what's happened to you flowers. That's very cowardly of him. Stay strong. X

costacoffeecup Fri 11-Jan-19 19:48:10

amazing how men can just up and leave with absolutely no sense of responsibility towards their children. What a shit thing to do.

Hepzibar Fri 11-Jan-19 19:48:30

When did this happen OP? Where was he supposed to be?

madmum5811 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:52:13

Oh deffo. other woman, so sorry. I would be somewhere else on Sunday, then sort out your legal position. What a bastard he knows the children will be around on a Sunday I presume. They do not need to know the ins and outs. If you must see him on Sunday make sure DCs are not there. Do you have a calm rational friend who can be there with you. Does he give a time for Sunday or are you supposed to wait around?

Calzone Fri 11-Jan-19 19:52:19

Goodness you must be in shock.

What a coward.

I wouldn’t text him as that will freak him out a bit.

Let him come on Sunday and explain to the children himself.

How’s your financial situation? Will you manage on your own?

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:54:08

What a spineless piece of shit!
flowers, OP.

youaremyrain Fri 11-Jan-19 19:55:13

Utter coward! I'm so angry on your behalf!

I'm also a divorced adoptive mum, message me if you like thanks

AWishForWingsThatWork Fri 11-Jan-19 19:56:35

I'm so sorry, OP. He's a complete and total coward, and there's probably another woman.

Don't let him set the terms. Text him or call him and tell him that since he's left, he no longer resides with you and you will bag up his stuff and send it to him. He should no longer enter your home without your permission.


I'm so sorry.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah Fri 11-Jan-19 19:57:41

Yes, can you imagine if the wife agrees to split up but decides she's the one to move out, live the single life, pick the dc up every other weekend and hand over a few ££££ cm every month? I bet they'd be a lot less 'mid-life crises' if men thought this was a possibility.

Agree with others op, there's someone else so don't let him make the rules. And what an extra bastard he is knowing the dc's background. Stay strong.

amber90 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:00:09

I'm so sorry OP. Do you have a friend who can come and stay with you tonight?

allaboutHR Fri 11-Jan-19 20:01:29


He's a 'Runaway Husband'. They tend follow a pattern of behaviour. There is usually an OW. I'm so so sorry he's done this to you OP. Please feel free to message me thanks

HollowTalk Fri 11-Jan-19 20:05:10

There has to be another woman and that's where he is right now. If he was unhappy in your marriage, you would have noticed it, especially now that you have more time together.

I don't know why but this always seems even worse if the children are adopted - to plan to adopt, to know that the children have (usually) suffered from rejection and loss, and to just walk out - it's disgraceful.

MarshaBradyo Fri 11-Jan-19 20:06:00

Oh that is so heart wrenching and such a shock
I really feel for you
What a thing to do, awful

madmum5811 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:08:45

He may well have planned this carefully with or without the OW, he could have his ducks in a row. You are playing catch up here. I would not contact him, nor would I see him on Sunday without a witness at least. I would spend this weekend finding a bloody good legal person.

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