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Can someone please tell me what to do

(19 Posts)
loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 18:45:49

Hi all

I have been a relationship for 3 years and we got married last year, for the last 2 years I have provided for my partner and her child (not complaining) so I pay all the bills, mortgage everything. My partner does not trust me (I never cheated on her) but she hate me speaking to female colleague or communicating with the opposite sex, I get told constantly that I am useless, I never say or do the right thing. I also do my share in then house cooking, cleaning and driving the kids to and back from school. I feel I can cope anymore and this is not healthy for both. How can fix and make this relationship work or is there no hope? thank you

Nodrama999 Fri 11-Jan-19 18:49:19

Was it like this before you married?
Honestly, I think you need to tell her exactly what you put in your post, either that or leave your phone for her to find this post!
Maybe she spends too much time on her own and needs a job to get out mixing with a different group of people?

Turin Fri 11-Jan-19 18:53:53

Have you tried relationship counselling?

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 11-Jan-19 19:14:45

Bloody hell if the genders were reversed mn would be going mental!!

Ffs He's paying everything, including for someone else's child.

Working and doing his share of the housework and childcare, but nothing is good enough.

Being emotional belittled and isolated from members of the opposite sex. I also presume she accuses him of cheating if she's that insecure about contact with women.

And pp are suggesting his abuser might be lonely! Ah poor woman! And that they have relationship counselling. Wtf!

OP you need to see this as the emotional abuse it is. I am not presuming there is some huge backstory or that you are bending the truth because you are a male! So face value she doesn't sound like she likes you and she is using you as a meal ticket. She's treating you like shite and a mug.

How did she support herself and dc before you stepped in? Does the bio-father pay maintenance? Was the house yours before marraige? Is it one child or more as you say kids towards the end? Is she doing her fair share of housework and childcare?

She needs to own her insecurities about other women. And personally I'd stop pandering to her and insist she gets counselling.

I would also suggest you get help before you start seeing this emotional abuse as normal or something you can fix. The fixing needs to come from her! If she's not willing to do that you need to finish this while it is still a short marraige so you don't lose your home and end up paying child maintenance.

MumsyJ Fri 11-Jan-19 19:26:44

This isn't good for your general wellbeing, most importantly, your mental wellbeing. Your wife is being abusive and very ungrateful. Does she not work, having everything fall at her feet, yet no appreciation?
Have you had the chance to speak about this unacceptable behaviour to her? Gosh you're a top man OP, and if she isn't careful, she'll be losing a goldmine right there.

loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 19:32:31

Thank you for your reply the bio father pay £60 per month when if thinks about it, I have children of my own. I am feeling very low my confidence is a it's lowest, I do love this woman, but yes I am not sure she really loves me, we never have sex (it's not the most important thing) I respect she doesn't want it and I am not seeking this anywhere else as I really love, I keep thinking it will get better, but I am starting to feel it will not and I am getting abused verbally constantly. Sorry to bother you with my story.

loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 19:40:52

I try to speak to her but it ends up been my fault, lots of people are telling to watch and that i am too soft, most morning I will bring a cup tea to her in bed and run a bath and put some candles for her in the evening in the hope that she see how much I love her and much how care, am i doing too much and been a softy I have been told some woman don't like it's what I am doing wrong?

marvellousnightforamooncup Fri 11-Jan-19 19:41:33

Don't be sorry, that's what Mumsnet is for. You sound very low and I'm not surprised. Your relationship isn't healthy at all. Do you get anything at all from it? Mutual support, love, companionship, intimacy? Does it enhance your life or drag you down? Sounds like the latter and is it likely to improve?

How responsive is your DW to trying to sort things out? If she has MH problems or other issues will she face them?

You are allowed to call time on a bad relationship if it's making you miserable.

Nodrama999 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:54:06

I only mentioned lonely because if she is isolated then perhaps this is a reason why she behaves the way she does, hence the previous question, was she like this before the marriage?
It is not acceptable in any relationship to be treated this way, and if there is a way to get things back on track then great but there must be an under lying cause if it is a recent turn of events.

loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 20:04:39

At first she was jealous I thought but lately it has been too much and constant and I don't know if can cope even for her this is not healthy

HollowTalk Fri 11-Jan-19 20:07:21

Bloody hell if the genders were reversed mn would be going mental!!

I assumed this was a gay relationship.

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 11-Jan-19 20:10:49

If gay relationship, my mistake on gender of op, but still feel pps were too soft and 'understanding' about the wife.

loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 20:27:31

lo not a gay relationship

Nodrama999 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:35:16

Unfortunately it sounds like a relationship my friend is in at the moment. Just out of interest are you also refused nights out with your male friends too?
If she has always been suspicious but it has turned into to control, I can’t see your freedom getting any better. Her behaviour sounds as though she is trying to cut you off and the other behaviour are all little chips that ultimately add up to abuse.
I think you will need to make a choice, or even give her the choice. I don’t think the control needed by these type of people can ever be satisfied.
If anything, in the end you give a little, then a little more before you don’t recognise yourself and you don’t have the support when you eventually break.
Have courage and look after yourself, it does make it harder then there are children involved (biological or not)

Racontuer Fri 11-Jan-19 20:41:00

If you can afford it I would such counselling for yourself to go over this and realise where you are going wrong and why. Essentially your partner is taking your for granted and pouring in more effort and affection is pointless as you are getting nothing back. Should you end it, your partner will suddenly 'care' and change their tune to win you back. They should be doing it now, not when you are leaving. Relationships should be equal, you deserve better.

loosefrog Fri 11-Jan-19 21:02:49

Thank you so much for all your messages

LaughingCow99 Fri 11-Jan-19 21:04:55

Counselling for yourself ASAP.

She is an abuser and a user. You deserve far better.

alvinp Sat 12-Jan-19 07:56:44

So in summary, your partner is abusive, controlling, makes very little financial contribution and gives you no love or intimacy. If they were male people would say "cocklodger". Fannylodger anyone?

You are being used, I'm sorry. She doesn't love you or respect you, and this won't change. You don't have children with her so just get out, don't look back. Focus on yourself and find someone who genuinely cares for you.

loosefrog Sat 12-Jan-19 10:19:35

Thank you again when I read back my message all your comment it starting to make me realised that this is not right but how can someone do this to someone else if you don't love the person

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