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Have I messed up.....?

(15 Posts)
Akrotiri1 Fri 11-Jan-19 17:12:56

And just don't know what to do.

My husband walked out in 2014, leaving me with a teenage son (he does have contact and does pay maintenance so not a 'baddy'). However through it all we lost the family home, my son had to move schools and I had to change jobs to earn more to support ourselves.

In the Autumn of 2015 I then met my new partner - I was not actively seeking another relationship so soon, but is someone I have known for 13 yrs and have always been good friends with. He very sadly lost his partner to a sudden heart attack, and we both found ourselves lonely and single, and one thing led to another.

Last summer we decided to move in together - I did have reservations as only felt I was coming to terms with the breakdown of my marriage, and learning to cope as a single parent. However my son hit teenage years with a vengeance and needed support with him. Equally my partner has always been a huge 'rock' for me, and I felt that together we would be stronger.

However a few months on I feel that I have made a huge mistake. I am not sure if I love my partner, however kind and loyal he is. I have lost most of my friends through moving and feel very lonely and depressed. My job is very isolating (I care for an elderly couple in a very rural setting), so have no work colleagues to interact with. I have no family close by but tbh wouldn't call on them for support anyhow.

For some reason I cannot settle at the new house either - possibly as there has been so much upheaval. I have got to the stage where I just stay in, and shut the world out. The family home that we had to sell was my dream home - not in terms of bricks and mortar but I felt at peace there, and part of a community, and still dream about it at night.

However my son is happy - he loves where we are as can get himself back and forth to town, has a good social life, and has a part time job.

My partner is happy too as we have bought his property - it was originally a rental, but we combined forces to buy it, and he has it set up how he wants it.

I feel so ungrateful, but something is missing. I don't know if it is me (premenopausal and prone to depression), or there is something deeper going on.

I cannot put my son through anymore upheaval, and do not want to cause my partner any more heartache, but if I carry on as we are just feel that ultimately everyone will be happy bar me.

I then get angry at myself as think I have the ideal opportunity to 'start again' - after all I have a home for my son and I, and an amazing partner, so what is wrong with me that that is not good enough?

Sorry just rambling really, so feel free to kick me up the arse......

NewNameNewGame19 Fri 11-Jan-19 17:19:02

Hi there, any new start has its 'did I do the right thing' but it must have felt right when you did it. Your son is the main concern and he ishappy so that is a big plus.
Once you have made some connections to the community you may feel better. You also need time to grieve for your old life.

MikeUniformMike Fri 11-Jan-19 17:19:23

You haven't messed up. I think you feel a bit trapped.
It's probably a combination of being lonely and being depressed mainly.

Musti Fri 11-Jan-19 17:21:03

I don't blame you for feeling like that. I'd talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe look at relocating again or changing jobs.

SuperSuperSuper Fri 11-Jan-19 18:04:54

I'm not going to "kick you up the arse"- you had a dreadful experience in 2014. However, I don't think that the solution to your current problem is more upheaval for your son. For his sake I think that you should work on making connections and maybe find a more sociable job. Reassess when he's grown up.

CottonTailRabbit Fri 11-Jan-19 18:10:01

Do whatever you need to do to make friends. You are lonely. Fix that first then see how everything else feels.

MikeUniformMike Fri 11-Jan-19 18:15:09

Yes definitely consider a more sociable job, I'd look for something community based to join in with too. If you are in a rural area there might be something like evening classes, book group, WI, church (or something similar), gym, etc. When I have forced myself to go to something I usually get a lot out of it. Maybe your partner could go with you.
Moving into someone else's house is tricky. Never done it myself, but friends have and say that it doesn't feel like 'theirs'.

Akrotiri1 Fri 11-Jan-19 18:30:32

Thanks for all your kind words.

I think MikeUniformMike may well be right - I do feel trapped, and feel forced into having to make decisions that have been very tough, and when feeling down, worry I have made the wrong ones.

Re my job - The lady I help has dementia and the family have become very reliant on me. The husband is 84 and really struggles, physically, and with her mental state, and I just don't feel I can walk out on them. I decided a few mnths ago just to ride it out.......the pay is good and I am also very attached to them, and know the job won't last forever, so will be 'released' at some stage.

I suppose in my former life I was very spoilt - I worked in retail for a NT property, and had great work colleagues and a very varied and sociable job. The problem was that it was seasonal, so once separated, could not afford to have 3 mnths of the years with no earnings.

Again with the house, I would have rathered buy a 'new' house rather than what I still feel is my partners property. But it ticked all the boxes re outside space and location, workshop for my partners business etc, and we couldn't find anything else comparable on the market.

SuperSuperSuper - I am thinking along those lines as in once my son has grown up and left home, maybe the time to move on.

Someone said to me that 'life does not go in straight lines' - never a truer word said, and the last few years have made me realise that in many ways.

MikeUniformMike Fri 11-Jan-19 19:06:23

Your partner sounds a good 'un so don't walk out unless you are absolutely sure. Staying put because of DS isn't really a good idea, because it makes you feel trapped, and it will probably make everyone resentful in the end.
Your job sounds quite draining but very worthwhile. No wonder you're not contented - you're probably exhausted
You have had a lot of upheaval in your life in the past 5 years.
Divorce, moving house to a new area, a new partner, leaving a job you loved and so on.
I think that you are spending all your time making other people happy without nurturing yourself.
I am not qualified in any way to advise, btw, just trying to be objective.
You are living in the moment, not when DS has flown the nest.

You need to get out of your shell and do some things for you.
(When I was having a bad time, some colleagues insisted I joined a fitness class. I hated every single second of it. At the end of the class I realised that I had switched off from thinking about anything else and it really helped. It doesn't have to be anything hateful just something different)

Waterlemon Fri 11-Jan-19 19:14:08

How many hours do you currently work?
Would you have the time to work elsewhere alongside the care work? I was thinking ing along the lines of volunteering in a charity shop for a couple of hours every now and then.

MikeUniformMike Fri 11-Jan-19 20:01:54

Something else you could consider if you have spare time or your partner is at home during the day is a pet. Walking a dog gets you out, and you don't feel lonely when you have a cat. You worked at an NT property - do you have interest in anything like history or textiles or gardening or something that you could pursue?

Greatbigdramallama Fri 11-Jan-19 20:13:21

Is there any way you can make the house feel more like your home? Any changes you can make or some small part of it you can claim?

Akrotiri1 Fri 11-Jan-19 20:29:51

Gosh you are all so lovely on here, and have really cheered me up with your kindness.

MikeUniformMike - my partner is one of the 'good ones' - I feel bad being negative about him as he would do anything for me (very different to ex), and think it is my low mood making me feel like this towards him.

And you are right - I am knackered! We have had one weekend away over the last few years and most holidays have involved house moves, diy etc.

I had 2 dogs but lost them both to illness and old age last year. One belonged to a very good friend who died of cancer 8yrs ago, so losing that one was very painful. But we do have a mad terrier who I have decided to try some agility with come spring - fresh air and exercise and all that!

Watermelon - I do work 5 days a week, but volunteering is a really good idea if I could fit it around work and my son etc.

Greatbigdramallama - I have adopted the garden - again come spring may make me feel more positive about the house as planted loads of bulbs etc.

BlackBagTheBorderBinLiner Fri 11-Jan-19 21:28:46

Buy a greenhouse. Big enough for a chair a table & two tomato plants.
We inherited one, nothing fancy, moved it to our garden. It's mine, I love going in there sitting down with a cup of tea, rearranging the pretty things on the potting bench.
DH is in the workshop, the kids are messing up the house but the greenhouse is mine 😁 and the dog loves it to.

MikeUniformMike Sat 12-Jan-19 09:19:46

There is plenty to do in the garden now. Things are growing.
I always find pruning therapeutic.

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