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Husband threats

(29 Posts)
Chester1980 Thu 10-Jan-19 22:56:18

I’m too embarrassed to talk to friends about this. I just need to vent.

I have an eight week old baby with my husband. Today he went out for after work drinks, but hadn’t let me know. I’d sent him a nice message to ask where he was when he wasn’t home an hour later than usual. He got home later in the evening.

When he got home he was tipsy - we ended up arguing about it (he has often drunk too much in the past and I told him he needs to be more responsible). I said it should be a curtesy to let me know he wouldn’t be home until later (I was v tired having been up with the baby the night before and I am feeling under the weather).

I put the baby down and he said I had done it too quickly (I hadn’t, he was just tipsy and not fully with it). He came over and stood above me with a raised hand and told me if I did that again he’d beat me. He said some unkind things about how he’s paid for everything (I can’t afford to as I’m on maternity pay!!). He owns the house and also told me it’s his house and I can get out (this was after I said I couldn’t even look at him after he had raised his hand).

He’s never hit me before or made a threat like that. He seemed a little sorry afterwards as he asked me several times if there’s anything he could get me (I was quite tearful).

I don’t want my baby to be around this. I want better for both of us. He shows me no respect and I don’t want my boy to think that’s how you treat someone.

I have no family nearby and I don’t know what to do. He’d never actually hurt me, but can occasionally be emotionally abusive. I’m so tired.

gambaspilpil Thu 10-Jan-19 22:58:52

I would be taking my baby and leaving. You are very vulnerable now and he is showing his true colours. He has lifted his fist and threatened to beat you. I would be speaking to your family and asking if you can go and stay with them if that is possible.

Friendofsadgirl Thu 10-Jan-19 23:01:56

No-one should need to live with the threat of violence. Please contact Women's Aid for advice. flowers

Lozzerbmc Thu 10-Jan-19 23:03:33

This is awful and so much harder when you are tired coping with a baby. Raising a hand in threat in this way would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like he is not respectful generally? You say no family nearby can you move to them?

Noodledoodlesandspud Thu 10-Jan-19 23:03:59

Please don't stay with him. Take you baby and go. Do you have any family you can go to?

Lozzerbmc Thu 10-Jan-19 23:05:59

And dont be embarrassed to tell your friends they will want to help and support you getting out of this abusive relationship

MissyMoooo Thu 10-Jan-19 23:07:54

Do you have someone you can confide in or somewhere to go? This will not get better only worse. Hugs thanks

CardinalCat Thu 10-Jan-19 23:18:43

Please speak to somebody in real life about what has happened- there is no shame in this. You have done nothing wrong. You need another adult who is in your corner to know what has happened and help protect you and your baby- even if they live far away. You should confide because if you don't then your coping mechanism tomorrow morning will be to sweep this under the carpet and there by set yourself up for an ongoing escalation of this behaviour until you finally do speak out.
Keep talking to us. Has he gone to bed now?
Lots of men with abusive tendencies manage to keep them under wraps until a baby comes along. It is very sad and often a result of their own traumatic experiences as a child. Please don't let him pass that onto your own child.

Chester1980 Thu 10-Jan-19 23:19:09

Thank you for your comments.

I am a strong person and I let him know exactly what I thought of what he had said and done. We have been together many years and that’s the first time he’s held his hand up.

I’m questioning myself now....did I put the baby down too quickly?? I certainly didn’t hurt him. It’s messing with my head 😩

My parents are about 300 miles away and elderly. They don’t have room for us to stay with them. So I do feel alone. I have friends here and one in particular, about an hour away, who is aware of some of this stuff and has offered to put me up before. I think I’ll contact her to see if that’s a possibility.

Adora10 Thu 10-Jan-19 23:23:34

Shocked that he could do that I’d take it as a warning and get myself and child away fast that’s not Nirmal OP! He’s already emotionally abusive he’s now moving onto physical, please go to you family

Chester1980 Thu 10-Jan-19 23:23:48

@cardinalcat thank you. You’re right - I don’t want to pass this on to our baby and I do wonder if there’s something from his childhood. He really never opens up, so I don’t know.

He’s gone to bed. I’m in another room with the baby. I feel like he crossed a line today. He kept trying to say it’s because I put the baby down quickly, like he’s trying to divert away from what he did.

gambaspilpil Thu 10-Jan-19 23:26:35

I think it’s a very good plan to speak to your friend. You need to ensure your DH gets a very clear message that you won’t accept any abuse or threats. You have a DC now and I have no doubt you don’t want them witnessing this going forward..... it’s aad when your already doubting yourself after he threatened you. You did nothing wrong!

WellBHoise Thu 10-Jan-19 23:26:51

Text your friend now. She is probably more aware and knows more than what you realise. She would be sad if she thought you waited until the morning. She has offered to keep you safe, pack an overnight bag and go.

HelenUrth Thu 10-Jan-19 23:28:05

Even if you did put the baby down too quickly (you didn't!!!), his physical reaction was miles beyond being acceptable. And his verbal threats are very worrying.

Please do contact your friend and get out as soon as you can. Your relationship may be retrievable (if you want it to be), although it's not looking great, but he 'd need to be crystal clear that his behaviour would need to change drastically.

Are you safe right now? Do you think you should phone the police?

CardinalCat Thu 10-Jan-19 23:33:37

Don't let yourself be gaslighted about whether you put the baby down too quickly. Firstly- you are not the pissed one, so I'd take his observations with a large dose of salt and Secondly - while I am not saying that this was the case, hypothetically speaking, so what if you did? Is he going to stand with his hand raised over you every time you do something that he disagrees with? That is going to make the toddler years a barrel of laughs as you need to be broadly speaking united in your approach and support for each other to be able to get through these times (which includes making a fair few mistakes as you learn, without fear of violence!)
I'm not saying you should pack up and leave straight away, but you do need to speak to somebody and share this because it is major and chilling, yet I can see him worming his way out of it with an apology tomorrow and I wouldn't blame you for agreeing to bury it, for an easy life. I think you need to share what has happened with someone to keep it real and let you process it and decide what to do in the future- whether that's next week/ month/ year.

Chester1980 Thu 10-Jan-19 23:58:57

I’ve contacted my friend and told her what’s happened. She’s not online so must be in bed and probably won’t see it until tomorrow.

I can see him worming his way back in too. He brought me through some wine earlier, which I refused. I know he’ll regret it in the morning. He says he didn’t drink much, but I worked out the units to be equivalent to just over a bottle of wine.

I do feel safe where I am. He stayed in the room with me after we had finished arguing. We sat there in silence until I asked him to go to bed as I didn’t want to be in the same room. He’s asleep now.

Chester1980 Fri 11-Jan-19 00:01:11

I do really appreciate you all taking the time to leave comments and support. It’s such a help and making me realise I did nothing wrong. His behaviour is abusive.

Consolidatedyourloins Fri 11-Jan-19 00:48:56

He was obviously looking for an excuse to threaten you.

Please don't see the house as his. Get a good lawyer and make sure you get your share if the house has to be sold, so be it. Do the best for your baby.

Do you have any joint savings?

Weenurse Fri 11-Jan-19 00:52:29

💐

showmeshoyu Fri 11-Jan-19 00:54:52

He simply had no comeback for your polite request for courtesy. He latched on to the very next thing you did. Now he's minimizing and trying to paper over the cracks. This is just the start of a very dark journey if you don't end it promptly.

jessstan2 Fri 11-Jan-19 01:00:42

He behaved very badly indeed! Please look into ways of leaving that excuse for a man, as soon as possible. He's not safe to be around & what an awful environment for your baby.

Take professional advice and make a plan.

flowers

Aquamarine1029 Fri 11-Jan-19 01:16:22

Run for your life. He threatened you with violence because you put your baby to bed. Let that sink in. His threats will turn into reality, I guarantee it. Get out.

Ariesgirl1988 Fri 11-Jan-19 01:49:57

OP you did nothing wrong! your OH is an abusive prick and if I was you contact your friend, sort out if you can stay with her and take your baby and go! trust me on this as someone who grew up regularly witnessing domestic abuse and all its forms, if he can raise his hand and make that threat you don't wanna stick around to find out if he will do it, which he probably would if you let him get away with this! just because he's been emotionally abusive sometimes that doesn't make it ok. And do you really want your boy growing up in that ind of environment? Get out now before OH gets worse which he will once he gets away with one threat it will escalate from there.

MitziK Fri 11-Jan-19 01:56:32

He came home pissed and threatened to beat you - not just with words, but with actions, too.

Run, run, run as far away from the cunt as physically possible before he makes good on his promise because your baby starts crying as you change a nappy and he decides you must have deliberately hurt him (or other such lies).

pissedonatrain Fri 11-Jan-19 02:07:19

I've read your other threads and unfortunately you are married to a mean abusive drunk. And yes, he is hurting you.

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