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What would you make of this 'arrangement'?

(35 Posts)
Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:20:41

So, there's this guy, who is very nice, we met on a night out early last year. He periodically comes over for a shag if invited, and has occasionally suggested it himself (on average we meet up once every three/four weeks).
He shares a flat/house (have never been) with a woman/girl (never met her) and has his son at weekends. I have my own place.
He is as odd as two left feet.
However, in his defence, he knows I'm OLD and usually go to the same pub as he frequents on various dates.
He is very complimentary about me, but just seems backwards at coming forwards or else is just content with the odd shag here and there.
We have a lot in common (similar backgrounds).
I stopped speaking to him for about a month as I was in the pub one evening alone and he ignored me for the evening, then texts! me to see if I fancied a shag. I gave him a proper bollocking as he didn't even have the manners to speak to me in the pub. So I point blank ignored him for 4 - 6 weeks, while still going to same pub (I also go to salsa class there).
I'm not sure what part of this is his shyness/awkwardness etc. and what is what really. He knows a lot of the people in the pub and possibly is too shy to be demonstratively dating someone or, perhaps the ex's friends also drink there (as I said I know nothing about the ex, but the ds is 3 or 4 maybe now).

He doesn't impose on my life in any way. Doesn't get jealous etc.
He's not taking from my life and is for all intents and purposes a friend with benefits - a shag when I feel like it.


I'm curious to know whether 1. I want to get to know him more and 2. How to go about that!?

Any suggestions?

RoseOfSharyn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:22:27

He is married obviously

Redcrayonisthebest Thu 10-Jan-19 20:24:23

Erm he's "just not that into you"
Or he's happy for you to provide the odd, no strings shag but doesn't want more.
Or he's married/engaged/in a Long term relationship.

You can do better!

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:25:01

Nope, definitely not married.

LordNibbler Thu 10-Jan-19 20:25:21

Sounds like he lives with his partner/wife and child unfortunately.

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:28:12

I've never given him any indication (and never actually wanted anything more) that he was anything more than my bit on the side so to speak.
I'm not sure whether it's me that's putting him off, or him that's putting me off if you get me. My behaviour towards him would very easily suggest that he's just my fall-back guy. He sees me out on other dates etc. That said, I'm not sure if that's why he's not putting his foot forward or because he's just happy with the way things are.

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:28:44

Nope, I know his family and he is separated.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Thu 10-Jan-19 20:29:23

He could be shy, he could be awkward, he could be a dick. I'm going with the third option.

Kennycalmit Thu 10-Jan-19 20:34:17

He is either still with this woman and is hiding it from you. Or he simply sees you as just a shag and not worth speaking to in public

I doubt he’s shy. He clearly isn’t too shy to text you when he fancies a shag, so stop telling yourself that. He sees you as somebody to call when he’s horny, that’s all

It sounds as if you’d like more. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be wondering all this.

StarJazmin Thu 10-Jan-19 20:35:11

I'm curious to know whether 1. I want to get to know him more

How is anyone posting here going to be able to tell you whether you want to get to know him more or not! What a silly question.

If you do want to get him more, I suggest having conversations about things other than sex.

Btw I’ve had a ‘secret’ dial-a-shag and we would see each other out and about, overlapping social circles, but not really interact in public, it was all part of the fun. Didn’t need to be any more than that.

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:35:43

Since me not speaking to him, his texts have become more frequent and more engaged. I think he knew I meant business and needed to up his game. He was with the granny for his ds (the Mum's mother and the Mum) for Christmas dinner, texted me all over Christmas and New Years, was then back home for a week and still texting which is more than he'd normally do. Maybe he's just one of these dudes who take years to come into their own. I like him. If I never heard from him again it probably wouldn't cost me a thought, but at the same time he's rare and kind and gentle and so fucking socially inept and awkward. Ach, he's not causing me any stress, he's there mostly when I want him, so maybe see how it pans out!

StarJazmin Thu 10-Jan-19 20:35:59

*get to know him more

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:39:47

Oh and just in case you are still convinced he's married, we have kissed openly in this pub before a few nights (where again, everyone knows him), so he's not opposed to being seen kissing. Just a big awkward mess about maybe being in a relationship or something.

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 20:41:06

We do have conversations about everything! He probably knows as much about me as any of my friends.

RoseOfSharyn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:51:08

I bet he is probably confused about what you want from him as you appear to not even know yourself.

If youd like to get to know him better and date him then tell him. Don't keep rubbing the fact that you're dating other blokes in his face.

But if you're happy to continue him being an occasional shag you have no right getting upset when he ignores you.

Yewnicorn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:55:01

Stop dating other blokes and give him a try 🤷‍♀️

Wotev Fri 11-Jan-19 21:35:51

I've just asked him whether we should date. I'm not going to have a heart attack.

Wotev Fri 11-Jan-19 21:37:34

I never never put my heart on my sleeve (for good reason).

Wotev Fri 11-Jan-19 21:39:08

He has just replied with 'ah I am very weird'

Wotev Fri 11-Jan-19 21:39:33

Well that solves that dilemma!

Wotev Fri 11-Jan-19 21:40:31

Asshole. Last time HE is getting a shag!

MadameButterface Fri 11-Jan-19 21:42:11

I don’t know, I don’t buy all this ‘men need time to come into their own’ ‘maybe he’s been hurt’ stuff

I think if a man likes you and wants more and wants to be your official squeeze he lets you know, it really is that simple.

MadameButterface Fri 11-Jan-19 21:43:43

Oh x posts

He had an arrangement that suited, he saw you getting the hump so he gave you a bit more texting to pull you back in

Hr was happy with the way things were and didn’t want more

I’m sorry op. Get back out there and make him live to regret it.

Beaverhausen Fri 11-Jan-19 21:44:06

Yep he is married.

Dieu Fri 11-Jan-19 22:23:37

The whole situation is too weird, from all sides.
I don't think a deep and meaningful relationship is going to come of this.
Sounds like you both just like the ego boost and sex.

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