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Is this about my actions or his self esteem? (Warning BDSM themes)

(54 Posts)
Magenta82 Thu 10-Jan-19 19:26:36

DP and I have been together just over a year, get on well, he has children, I don't, we are monogamous and looking to move in together very soon.

We met at a munch, a meeting in a pub for people into kink. We regularly go to a play party/club with a number of our mutual friends, when we go DP and I tend to play together, but there have been times when we have played in a group. I like being spanked, I have spanked and been spanked by others in the group and he has publically spanked me and a few other people. Everything is consensual.

At this point I think it is important to stress that play/spanking doesn't have to be sexual, I guess the best analogy I can think of is to compare it to a back rub, sometimes it is foreplay and very sensual/sexual, sometimes it is fun and enjoyable but in no way sexual/intimate. For me it is only sexual if I am doing it in private with someone I am sleeping with.

Next month our regular club night falls on my birthday. We were in the pub the other night when I told a woman in our group that it was my birthday, this caused her to point out I should get a birthday spanking (I was expecting her to say that) and to ask some of the people there if they were going to join in. I joked with her and suggested that because of my age it would have to be done with a feather, but indicated that I was keen on the idea.

Magenta82 Thu 10-Jan-19 19:26:56

When we were in bed that night DP told me that he didn't think it was appropriate that I let the other woman "pimp me out"

I was shocked and confused about his objection and really hurt by his choice of phrase. To me it felt like he was calling me a slut/whore.

I tried to understand his pov but had a hard time getting over the pimp statement and couldn't really understand if he was upset with me, her or both. He turned the light off mid conversation whilst I was still lying there with my mouth open.

On the way home I called him and tried to understand what the issue was, he got defensive and wanted to know why we needed to "go over it again".

He said that is she had tried to arrange it for other people they would have objected (maybe they would but the people he gave as examples don't have the same interests as me) or if they hadn't then their partners would have. When I asked him why he didn't object at the time he said he wasn't going to make himself look stupid or controlling by speaking up (looking controlling would not really have been a problem in that setting). When I asked if he thought the other partners would have looked stupid had they spoken up he said they have thicker skin then him.

From what I can gather he is cross with her for "pimping me out" (he kept using that phrase) and with me for not shutting it down.
He says what I do is none of her business
He said he knows it is not sexual
He says it is up to me/my choice what I do
He says it would be fine if I organised it myself
He said if I had asked him to organise it then he would have
He said it would have been fine if I had asked her to organise it.

But it is not fine that she decided to arrange it and I didn't object.

I don't get it, I really don't get why if he keeps insisting that it is my body my choice he also makes me feel really shitty for making the wrong one in his eyes.

Since that conversation last night he hasn't text or called, which is really unusual. I have noticed that he never makes the first move after a disagreement with friends and this worries me as it feels like I will always have to be the peace maker.

To me it feels like he is insecure and jealous, if that was the case then I could understand his feelings and we could discuss them and work things out. We could have a discussion about our relationship and agree boundaries.
But his instance that it is fine and I can do what I want, whilst at the same time using that kind of language and making me feel like I am in the wrong makes me feel like I just can't win.

Sorry for the long post but I'm really confused.

SirGawain Thu 10-Jan-19 19:40:31

I’m confused too OP, but if I wasn’t I would clutch Lady Gawain’s pearls shock.

MightyAtlantic Thu 10-Jan-19 19:42:20

Wow. I lead a very sheltered life...

Wotev Thu 10-Jan-19 19:44:32

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye........

Whisky2014 Thu 10-Jan-19 19:48:51

Read back your OP and just think for a minute what the fuck you are talking about. Grow up.

Orchardgreen Thu 10-Jan-19 19:53:37

Are you twelve?

MaisyPops Thu 10-Jan-19 19:54:25

If you're both into that sort of thing (each to their own & all that sort of thing) and his only issue is that you've agreed a suggestion from someone else in the community then I think he needs to grow up.
I can't see a difference between you suggesting an idea and someone else posing an idea and you saying yes.

But maybe I live a sheltered life.

notangelinajolie Thu 10-Jan-19 19:55:41

And you think you are confused confused

flapjackfairy Thu 10-Jan-19 20:00:10

Blimey I feel v old when I read threads like this !

Pissedoffdotcom Thu 10-Jan-19 20:01:52

Tell him to grow up. There is no difference between you suggesting it & someone else suggesting it. It's pretty standard for the birthday boy/girl anyway isn't it?!

RoseOfSharyn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:01:56

If he's the more dominant in your BDSM play usually, he's probably feeling like she's trying to Domme you right under his nose and it's probably bruised his ego.
Sorry for the judgy posts. If you're not into that kind of thing it doesn't make a lot of sense to some people.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser Thu 10-Jan-19 20:05:52

I think you need to have a conversation with you bf and talk over where your relationship is, where you want it to go and what boundaries you both need going forward. As a couple with a similar kink, perhaps your bf thinks that its time to pull away from the group meet ups and keep your kink to the bedroom.

It does sound like control could be an issue, he sees you as belonging to him. You have said that it has been mostly each other you have been with at these parties, so it could be jealousy, but if he is usually ok with it then it could be that he hasn’t arranged it. Perhaps he sees himself as your pimp- that would make me very uncomfortable- but only you know if that is something you are comfortable with.

binkybea Thu 10-Jan-19 20:07:19

Lots of judgement on here tonight angry

Why read the thread?confused

I think you need to leave it as he is sounding immature and a hit needy! Playing games.....

binkybea Thu 10-Jan-19 20:10:09

This is about him!

JoyceDivision Thu 10-Jan-19 20:10:13

And there was me getting excited about M&S maybe doing the meal deal with starters for valentine's Day.

NotANotMan Thu 10-Jan-19 20:10:34

I get it
He sees her as undermining him and domming you when that's his role. The use of 'pimping' is a nasty word but he clearly sees this woman as transgressing some boundary and you as being wrong for not shutting it down.
Does that fit with your usual dynamic?

RoseOfSharyn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:15:43

NotA that's exactly what I was trying to say, but you articulated it much better!

My ex-dom would happily let me be spanked by whoever I wantes, as long as it was instigated by me, or him after my saying yes.
If anyone else had tried to get people to spank me it would not have been tolerated.

For people that are not getting it, it is like argeeing that someone can borrow your tv. But if a friend were to tell someone else they could borrow your tv then that isn't on.

CollaredDove99 Thu 10-Jan-19 20:23:34

She was engaging in play with you by even having the conversation. You were allowing her to domme you and by the sounds of it joined in with enthusiasm.

Ultimately though, a kink relationship needs strong communication between the people involved. That one (I’m assuming him really) or both of you can’t step out of roles and just discuss this openly, come to new agreements or check your boundaries and move on suggests that there is a larger problem with the relationship.

fourquenelles Thu 10-Jan-19 20:26:53

Yes NotANotMan and RoseofSharyn have it.

Sethis Thu 10-Jan-19 20:33:04

Ultimately though, a kink relationship needs strong communication between the people involved. That one (I’m assuming him really) or both of you can’t step out of roles and just discuss this openly, come to new agreements or check your boundaries and move on suggests that there is a larger problem with the relationship.

This.

Turning the light off and leaving you to fume after he says his piece is really not someone whose communication skills are good enough that I'd feel happy being their sub. Unless you're doing lifestyle D/s which you haven't mentioned at all in your posts, and even then, it doesn't sound like a healthy one. Ditto talking about it the next day and him sulking.

To anyone reading who has no interest in/doesn't understand/is disgusted by BDSM - maybe don't read the thread? And if you do, then don't bloody comment?

RoseOfSharyn Thu 10-Jan-19 20:41:52

That one (I’m assuming him really) or both of you can’t step out of roles and just discuss this openly, come to new agreements or check your boundaries and move on suggests that there is a larger problem with the relationship.

This is how my last d/s relationship ended. He could never step out of 'character'. I eventually realised the dom/sub thing was a smokescreen for a seriously abusive and disturbed man.

NotANotMan Thu 10-Jan-19 20:41:58

Completely agree about his crappy behaviour. He needs to take responsibility for his feelings and articulate them like an adult.

NotDavidTennant Thu 10-Jan-19 21:06:47

Best case scenario is that he has different boundaries to yours and is expressing himself badly. Worse case scenario is that he's a controlling arse and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

VietnameseCrispyFish Thu 10-Jan-19 21:15:50

First thing I thought is that he’s unhappy with you setting up D/s play with someone else right under his nose. But for some reason is struggling to articulate it. He’d be fine with you asking him if you could set up a spanking session, if you decided to do it yourself, if someone else asked and you ran it by him, or if he initiated it. But you cutting him out entirely and someone else initiating and you accepting without involving him has rubbed him up the wrong way. Especially as it was her initiating you being spanked by others.

I’m guessing you are generally submissive with him? Most Doms wouldn’t be best impressed with their sub accepting being Dommed by someone else (and her trying to initiate you being spanked by others falls under that I think), though the vast majority have absolutely zero problem communicating that to their sub 😂

I echo others though, I wouldn’t feel very safe submitting to someone who wasn’t able to communicate clearly with me and who chose passive aggressive methods such as just switching the light off mid convo. That’s disrespectful. And D/s dynamics are built on mutual respect.

You’ll get a lot of competitively-vanilla ‘ooh I thought I was risqué using a pair of fluffy handcuffs teehee’ comments posting about kink on MN, OP.

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