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Is this relationship weird and inappropriate?

(97 Posts)
CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:19:04

I'm in my mid 20's and have never had a father figure (relevant)

A childhood friend who I've always been close to, met her birth father for the first time a few years ago. I got to know the father over time as their relationship developed and they became close. I was introduced as one of his daughters closest friends so met him a handful of times then he added me to social media.

Over time her dad began referring to me as his adoptive daughter which I thought was nice. Before long he'd be messaging me every day to chat and has grown to think of my DS and unborn as his grandchildren and extended family. He'd send DS a present on his birthday and Christmas, and send me cards on my birthday.

I must stress he's never once said anything remotely inappropriate to me or given me cause to feel uncomfortable other than perhaps the volume of contact which I do think is too much. I get the impression he's lonely and/or feels a bit sorry for me as Ive had a shit time of it and don't have much family. I'm not sure which.

My friend (his daughter) told me that she finds it all a bit strange so for that reason I'm going to distance myself and stop responding, but do you think the relationship was strange or inappropriate?

Hubblebubbletripletrouble Thu 10-Jan-19 15:22:31

Yes it does sound a bit odd. He could just feel sorry for you and trying to be kind, I suppose.

Sorry for being probably ridiculous and scaremongering - but given he is keen to be close with your children..Is he ever alone with them or would be? Again, sorry, I just thought I'd mention just in case there were ever any red flags.

Miane Thu 10-Jan-19 15:27:04

My Dad has known my best friend since she was a child. I can think of no circumstances in which he would ever contact her directly via social media.

He certainly wouldn’t consider it appropriate to be messaging her every day. (Or even every month!)

This man hardly knows his own daughter, let alone you. His behaviour is inappropriate.

Even if it wasn’t his daughter doesn’t like it so that should be all either of you need to know.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:27:42

He's never met my son as I haven't seen him since before I fell pregnant. He lives a few hundred miles away so is unlikely to see him anytime soon, or my daughter when she's born. He likes to stay updated with DS milestones and progress via photos on social media that's about it.

Bluntness100 Thu 10-Jan-19 15:29:30

Yes, it's odd. Does he contact his biological daughter as much?

And if I was her I think I'd feel like you were treading on my toes. There she is trying to build a relationship with him, to possibly feel special to him and you're all in there too.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:31:02

My friend asked me whether I thought there was a potential he was interested in me romantically, i spent ages analysing the entirety of our correspondence but there's been nothing whatsoever to indicate that.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:32:37

She and him are in regular contact yes, but I'm not sure if it's daily.

When she said she felt it was strange it did occur she may feel as though I'm third wheeling (unintentionally) and that's another reason I'm going to stop responding. I've done nothing to encourage regular contact other than be polite and respond as and when I have a minute.

Petalflowers Thu 10-Jan-19 15:38:13

Yes, I think that’s unusual.

Sending cards and presents to your children is a nice gesture.

However, messaging you frequently, calling you his ‘adoptive daughter’ is weird, especially as you only physically met a few times. Had you visited on a weekly basis with your friend, I think it would be different.

Maybe he’s lonely, and enjoys the social,interaction. Does he contact your friend as frequently? Ie. His he the sort of person that likes to text people all the time.

I don’t necessarily think,you should cut contact completely, as he obviously values the friendship, but maybe slowly reign it back a little.

Vitalogy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:38:30

Does seem odd OP. Do you know why he lost contact with your friend?

HollowTalk Thu 10-Jan-19 15:41:35

His focus should be on his own child, given his absence. I don't blame her for being upset that you are getting more attention than she is.

HollowTalk Thu 10-Jan-19 15:42:12

And I think it's horrible for him to call you his adoptive daughter when he wasn't there for his own daughter.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:47:31

He has a fair amount of time on his hands so uses social media to fill the gap I think. I do suspect he's a tad bored and lonely.

He was absent from my friends life until she was in her twenties and tracked him down. He was married to my friends DM but they divorced before she was born and she was raised by her mum's new partner.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 10-Jan-19 15:51:25

I think it is odd, if you are uncomfortable with it, there is a problem. I could see it, if you had both grown up together, but he is recently in your friends life. I would distance myself from him. ARe you close to your dad?

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:55:10

@Aeroflotgirl I've never known my father so don't have a father figure in my life, I thought that may be what contributed to him assigning himself that role if you know what I mean?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 10-Jan-19 15:57:45

Oh right, I could understand if you knew the father from when you and your friend were little, but it does seem odd, if you are uncomfortable, and your friend seems like she is, back away. He sounds very overfamiliar.

Vitalogy Thu 10-Jan-19 15:57:51

So you know what happened but not why. How long has this been going on then? Has your friend got any children, if so, how does he treat them?

OoohAyyye Thu 10-Jan-19 15:59:23

I do find it odd. Sounds innocent though, especially because he hasn't had a life long father-daughter relationship until a while ago so although we find it odd, to him it could be completely normal.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 16:00:43

@Vitalogy yeah I don't know the finer details as I didn't want to pry and ask, friends mum and him are on friendly terms since they got in contact so I don't suspect there was anything sinister behind the split.

Friend doesn't have any children of her own yet.

And a few years.

Butterymuffin Thu 10-Jan-19 16:02:56

I can totally see how your friend might feel crestfallen that he seems as interested in you as he does in her, his actual daughter who he didn't get to see for many years. Frankly I think he should be putting effort into making up for lost time with her, never mind acquiring other 'adopted daughters'.

I also think you and your DC deserve a better father figure in your lives than this.

HollowTalk Thu 10-Jan-19 16:09:16

He sounds pretty crap, to be honest. He was actually married when his wife was pregnant and then she was brought up by a stepfather. What kind of man would not see his own daughter? And she had to hunt him down, then what did he do? He started calling her friend his adoptive daughter and following her around in cyber space. I think your friend is right to feel upset that he's now focused on you, when he's actually her dad.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 16:11:56

I tried to talk to my friend about it but she was reluctant to say much other than "It's a bit weird"

She isn't the sort to make a fuss so would gladly bottle up her feelings rather than risk making a scene.

Suddenly feeling really sad for her after absorbing some of the replies here.

She never said a word until I brought it up because of my own reservations about the amount of contact, so she may have been feeling down about this for a long time.

sad

Mrsmadevans Thu 10-Jan-19 16:14:29

Poor bloke sounds lonely tbh , l think you need to be honest with him and not just ghost him , he will be hurt by your actions if you do and he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong except be nice to his DD BFF. My Mum's school friend behaves similarly to this with me , he has 8 DC of his own but he is in contact daily with me on FB.

CustardcloudsAhoy Thu 10-Jan-19 16:17:11

I'd never outright ghost/block him as it's not in my nature to be cruel, but I do think I need to do something to curb the amount of contact if for no reason other than to spare my friends feelings.

I'll try to talk to her again but she's the type who wouldn't want me to feel responsible for her being sad, so she'd laugh it off before she said "actually it does really bother me and upsets me"

I do agree he sounds lonely, he is.

Notcoolmum Thu 10-Jan-19 16:20:15

Definitely weird. And has he’s not been a dad to his own daughter I don’t see him acting that role very well with you.

I can imagine how upset my DD would be if she established contact with her dad in her 20s for him to spend more time talking to her friend sad

Loopytiles Thu 10-Jan-19 16:23:10

His behaviour shows poor judgment at best, especially the “adopted daughter” bit when he chose not to have any contact with his birth daughter.

You haven’t been a good friend in your handling of this. It would have been better to discourage contact from the start.

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