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Know what i need to do but cant

(12 Posts)
mumof22017 Thu 10-Jan-19 12:30:17

So its now been a year since i found loads of porn my partner had tried to hide on his phone and im still not over anything. Back story- we got together at 18 and he cheated on me i didnt know. We had a baby at 19 by accident he stayed with me i thought everything was perfect i moved to his town to live with him and be a family giving up all i ever known. Then i find out he had cheated as i had an sti but we worked through it. Then i found messages on various things over the years of him talking to other women and porn i forgave and forget wasnt easy!! Anyway he promised after all that he was going to change and to me he did for 5 years we was a perfect happy family so i decided with him for us to have another child so we did 7 years after our first. Life was great then last Jan i was doing something which linked our phones so i couldnt help but just have a look at his history i just wanted to back up that i had been right for the last 5 years and there i found he had been looking at various disgusting porn so that just crushed me after he had promised he would change. Since then it has brought back to me all the past that i had moved on from and feels like hes never actually changed and now im constantly going over everything as we spent 5 years rebuilding our trust that i never checked anything and let him go out to the pub and loads of stuff i never thought he was doing anything and i had another child as i felt secure. But now i just feel like a mug. We have tried to mend it over this last year but i just cant stop overthinking everything. There has been other lies ive caught him out on from the past 5 years too which hasnt helped like he started getting work emails from a woman and he told me she was his bosses wife who worked from home so i belived it then because of this i did some digging and found her on facebook that she is our age and works there so he lied to my face all those years ago and now i feel like why did he do that was there something going on and i cant go back that far on phone records and stuff as hes had a new phone in that last 2 years so i cant move on from everything. Sorry this is so long i know i need to end it as hes damaged it too much but its so hard when i love him and this is what i wanted our family and its so unfair as i never done anything wrong x

Adora10 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:11:27

You think you love him, you probably just want the happy family life because you feel you have now shackled yourself to him.

You know he is a liar and a compulsive cheat, he gave you an STI, he will continue this pattern until you put a stop to it, it's not love OP, you need to get rid of him before he causes you any more distress; it's not normal or healthy and you could be so much happier but yes, only you can do this.

mumof22017 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:19:49

Thank you i know its like being stuck on a merry go round of the same stuff he messes up i forgive then move on and then he does it again its just so unfair x

Adora10 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:24:46

You do have a choice OP, it's not about fairness, it's about you finding your self worth and getting rid of this piece of crap, sorry but he honestly could not be much worse.

thisusernameisrubbish Thu 10-Jan-19 13:25:47

Did you grow up wishing you would one day be with a man who treats you like this? I doubt it.

It's time to realise that sometimes we can give too many chances and we take a long time to realise we are better off without. I know you are looking for closure and some kind of proof that he cheated, but the reality is you aren't happy anyway. You aren't fulfilled in this relationship, regardless of the kids, and you DESERVE to be with someone you TRUST 100%. He has shown you many times he can't be trusted. I think you should seriously consider your options, and put yourself first now.

Luckyme2 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:28:15

i love him and this is what i wanted our family

Read that back OP. You are not living the dream. This surely cannot be what you wanted. You deserve much more than this.

mumof22017 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:33:54

Yes i know you are all right this is not what i wanted and im miserable i cant keep doing it. I suppose i cant understand how someone can keep hurting another person so im guessing im seeing him for what he really is now and finding my self worth i know i deserve better. I know what i am going to have to do i just needed some support that its the right thing x

Luckyme2 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:37:23

You have our support. It IS the right thing flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Jan-19 13:38:32

i forgive then move on and then he does it again its just so unfair
Why is it unfair?
You keep forgiving so he keeps doing it.
Why wouldn't he?
He has no consequences for his actions.
He can do what he wants and you just carry on.
You just put up and shut up basically.
It will only change when you realise you are worth more and HE will NEVER ever change!

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

mumof22017 Thu 10-Jan-19 13:42:16

I know i was stupid to forgive years ago and wish now i hadnt but i was so young but now being 30 i cant accept what he does anymore thats why this has been so impossible to get over and i knoe ive rolled out the red carpet for him to do whatever he likes and he will never change. Its just been hard to end it when all my adult life has been with him and our kids its hard to break away x

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Jan-19 15:15:02

Not stupid OP. Hell, we've all been there!
Just optimistic and hopeful that you'd get the future you deserve.
The future he kept promising you.
And you will...... Just not with this prick!

Hanbam Sat 12-Jan-19 07:46:15

@mumof22017 my situation is spookily similar to yours. Met at 18, had a baby young. Found out he had paid to visit a dominatrix confused and ridiculously frequently used porn. Left him. Got back together and things seemed good and I thought we were back on track. After being afraid of having another baby incase things went wrong again for years felt we were in the right place to have another. Stressful pregnancy with concerns about the baby I was suspicious at this time but ex seemed so so genuine when confronted about my concerns.

2 years after having my child things came to a head and the extent of what was going on came to light. Porn addiction. Hundreds of messages to other women. More dommes. I was shocked at the extent and how I hadn’t sussed out sooner. We tried to work things out with professional help but the damage was done. He really struggled to stop his behaviours it’s a compulsion. I ended things last year. It’s been very tough and at times I have pined so much for what I “feel” I’ve lost.

Looking back now I can recognise how very controlling and manipulative he was. His acting out behaviours directly affected his mood and how he interacted with me and the family. He was also jealous and almost reflected his crap behaviour on to me, this is because he finds it hard to accept what he has done and take responsibility.

Apparently he is a changed man now, doesn’t engage in that life anymore and in a New relationship who accepts his past. I almost believed him but in reality it’s highly unlikely. He may be fine for a while but it’s such a strong draw to him that he will fall back into same habits. The difference is I don’t have to be affected by it. Staying with him meant there was never an end point it was a reoccurring problem that reared it’s ugly head, now I’m out of the cycle, even when life is hard and I miss the family set up and the good elements of the relationship, there is an end point and eventually I won’t give a fuck.

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