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I think I'm in the friend zone but do I tell him how I feel?(94 Posts)
There's a guy I work with who I really like and have done for some time.
A year ago I really felt he was flirting with me, he asked me point blank if I was single, etc. I am but was still living with ex while house was selling. So I thought he was going to ask me out but he didn't. So I asked him out and he said that sorry, he'd just started seeing someone.
He dated this girl for 9 months and they split up a few months ago. So soon after that he asked me out to the cinema and we've spent a lot of time together since then. Lunches, dinner, numerous cinema trips, swimming, etc. We tend to take it in turns paying for each other on these "dates".
But we've never talked about our "relationship" and I kept trying to pluck the courage up to asking him how he felt/telling him how I felt but the timing wasn't quite right. I told myself I would talk to him after Xmas. Over the Xmas period we met up a few times, have progressed to a hug when we see each other and a peck on the cheek and the same when we say goodbye.
We have loads in common and to me there's chemistry. Friends/colleagues have all noticed and reckon there's chemistry (they think more from him than from me oddly).
Then last night we met up and he was talking about a mutual friends new date and I casually asked him if he was seeing someone and he said he has a first date this weekend with a girl he's met online.
I'm gutted but didn't let on. I don't know whether to tell him before the weekend how I feel? But then part of me thinks he must realise and just not be interested so why put myself through the torture and make myself look like a prat? Plus if he realises then it's not very nice of him to string me along like he has been doing?
In his defence the house sale took ages and I'm still living with my ex but he knows very much that we are separated, and I've actually been to look at a house last week to rent which he knows! So I will have moved out within the next few weeks.
Do I tell him? There's a little part of me which says maybe he just hasn't realised but then I think I'm fooling myself, he must know! And if he knows and is dating other women then he obviously isn't interested. But in the last he's told me I'm lovely, that I look amazing, etc. Is he just an arsehole?
I was going down the 'maybe he's just really shy' route, but if he's now talking about doing online dating then I think after a year of pining, it's time for you to move on
Time for you to move on. You asked him out last year and he said no so he knows you like him. I'd say he's enjoying the attention you give him. He doesn't sound like a great friend. Sorry
Where is he stringing you along?
Are you saying he shouldn't want to be friends with you? Perfectly possible for men and women to be good friends. But if you don't want to be just friends, then YOU need to tell him.
Note - I'm a man with a female best friend. Over the years ALL our friends have taken one or the other of us aside and said "so what's really going on, you two have such chemistry?" Seriously, they all see this chemistry. Yet neither of us have ever had romantic feelings for the other; we're like siblings. Sometimes, people see what they would LIKE to see.
Or it could be that blokey is in the same boat as OP: not sure if OP is interested in a romantic relationship. Men in general don't hang out with women for friendship (some do yes). If others have seen them together and thought blokey was interested, perhaps OP has been giving off 'not-interested' vibes? Or at least, 'not-yet-but-maybe-sometime' vibes. After months like this blokey has finally decided this relationship isn't going further and has started looking elsewhere.
OP, I would tell blokey how you feel. He's a friend, he's demonstrated that, so he'll stick by you if he doesn't feel the same. Better to know for sure.
Why’s he not a good friend FFS?
He’s not leching all over OP, or trying to turn it into FWB. A hug and kiss on the cheek is pretty standard between friends and I compliment my female friends if they’ve made the effort to dress up.
He probably thinks they’ve addressed the possibility of a relationship, he politely said no, and she’s been happy to move on to having a good friendship. Not seeing a lot wrong here!
OP if you enjoy spending time with him as a friend then why would you cut him out of your life like PP have suggested? A good friendship is worth at least as much as a relationship. They’re likely to last longer, for one. IMO you should accept this for what it is, continue the meet ups if you enjoy them, but put time into finding someone else for the romantic side.
I can't just be friends. I would constantly be hoping he'd change his mind and torturing myself. Which I realise is my problem not his. If he doesn't want a relationship I need to distance myself.
OP if you want a relationship and not a friendship, why have you been hanging out with this guy?
Guess I've been hoping that the more time we spent together that he would fall for me! Pathetic I know.
It's not pathetic, but you need to understand how/why you have acted in the way you have. It seems to me you have not been upfront with your feelings to this guy. He's been waiting, maybe. I think what your friends said reveals a lot. Are you in fact still unsure going forward into a new relationship? Conflicted emotions with respect to a new partner at the end of a marriage is normal and to be expected.
Be honest. If he's uninterested romantically, at least you will know. You can then distance yourself.
We can't assume anything about his motives or opinions, from what you've said tbh. It's 50:50.
Yeah I think I need to talk to him. I've nothing to lose because if he just wants to be friends I don't want to be so I will lose the friendship either if he's dating other women or if telling him makes him want to run a mile. If there's a small chance he feels the same I guess I need to tell him. Thanks.
Sorry but in his situation, even if I was very interested I wouldn't be pursuing anything while you're living with your ex.
You have nothing to lose. Tell him. Say, I was thinking to go on a date this weekend,a nd I thought about it and realised I prefer you to this man. Would you like to go on a date with me? If he says no, there's nothing lost.
Telling you he is going on a first date this weekend is not saying he's unavailable. Far from it. Up your game love - and strike while the iron is hot! Keep it light and flirty so you can save face if it goes tits up but seriously you have nothing to lose.
Do you not have a mutual colleague friend who you trust who could get his side? If not, I don't think I'd ask him out right. I'd just say no, next time he tries to arrange hanging out. And the next and the next. If he asks why you can tell him you don't want to go out with him if he is dating other people.
I do have a mutual friend who is trying to find out how he feels but he's a bit useless at digging. He did find out about the date for me yesterday just before I did.
And then texted me to tell me but I'd already found out....though he did get a few more details. However he didn't go on to say "what about friend zone, don't you like her"......which is what he's been tasked with and keeps failing at!
I have a feeling if this date works out he won't ask me out again even as a friend. When he was dating the previous girl he said he couldn't see me one-on-one as he was dating. So if he starts seeing someone I think I will be dumped as a friend and not have the opportunity to turn him down.
I won't see him now before his date so can only text him and not sure what to say over text to keep it light and save face if needed.
Maybe he's put off by the fact you told him you were single a whole year ago but still living with your ex. If a guy took a year to sort out their housing in the situation I'd question how single they really are.
Definitely ask him. Don’t worry about the first date. If he likes you, he likes you. And as you don’t want to be just friends you have nothing to lose.
But why do you need to save face if you won’t be continuing the friendship anyway?
If he says he doesn’t feel the same you’ve already decided to distance yourself so I don’t think you’ve got anything to lose other than (maybe) a slight sense of embarrassment that you got the signs wrong.
It really wouldn’t be the end of the world :-)
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