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Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

(222 Posts)
Andyjakeydan Sun 06-Jan-19 19:19:26

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

Hopoindown31 Sun 06-Jan-19 19:29:13

She doesn't want you and is treating you like shit. I suggest you make sure you are clear what your legal position is and that she isn't using any of the family money to pay for her dirty weekends. I suspect you are in for a rough ride is there anyone you can lean on for support.

MissConductUS Sun 06-Jan-19 19:31:15

It's really out of your hands and a lost cause at this point. Try to focus on your daughter and yourself going forward.

Console yourself with the near certainty that om will eventually show your wife the door when he meets someone younger and prettier.

Sorry for your troubles.

flowers

greendale17 Sun 06-Jan-19 19:33:42

Do not ever take her back. And I don’t believe for a second she didn’t sleep with him before she told you. She is a liar and you deserve better.

MIdgebabe Sun 06-Jan-19 19:37:38

Move on, and remember it’s harder for a child. Look after her

MrsTerryPratcett Sun 06-Jan-19 19:41:33

There's nothing to save. I'm really sorry she is behaving like this.

The one thing I would say is we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock isn't a good sign. I know a couple of lightening divorces of people who said this. I think it's sometimes a sign that one of the people isn't getting their needs met.

ScrumptiousBears Sun 06-Jan-19 19:41:42

You are worth more than that. Chances are she's blinded buy the money and the excitement. That will all fade. Do not take her back when it does. Let it go and move on. I know it's easier said than done.

Wherearemymarbles Sun 06-Jan-19 19:59:42

Never, ever do the pick me dance.
It’s tempting for sure.

Most cheats will do and say anything to try and hide their dishonesty. Its takes a certain type of person to tell you to your face what they are about to do. Cunt doesnt even come close. Actually There probably isnt a word in the English language.

Get lawyered up, chuck her out and protect your daughter. OM certainly wont want her around messing with his swx life.

ISdads Sun 06-Jan-19 20:04:13

Really sorry.

Yes, you are right. You tried. There is nothing you can do to save this marriage - she would need to be willing to do that as well. Focus on the practicals and financials and remember to take care of your health. This will pass and you still have your daughter, so focus on her for now.

Andyjakeydan Mon 07-Jan-19 06:54:55

She actually told me last night that i am her best friend,i thought christ i hate to be an enemy of yours then if this how a best friend gets treated !

Justanothermum95 Mon 07-Jan-19 07:02:47

At least you know you've tried... I would hold your head up high knowing you gave it your best and have a wonderful daughter. Nobody deserves that - I've always said I don't want them to go behind my back and tell me if they are interested in someone else but that sounds like it might aswell be going on under your nose. I'm so sorry you're going through this - like a PP said focus on your daughter and you will find someone who will treat you better than that.

When it comes to your daughter and this OM that should be discussed between you and your wife. Eventually if this carries on he will have some sort of relationship with your daughter and things will calm down but this is a massive adjustment for everyone especially your daughter and I personally think a couple of months (and during the Christmas period) is very quick and I wouldn't be introducing any man to my daughter.

Jacteller Mon 07-Jan-19 07:03:44

I am in the same boat as you husband is currently with his ow, he has visited from another country. I don't want our relationship to end and he will be returning to the family home after the visit ends. I am considering starting divorce proceedings but to be honest I don't want to. My husband also calls me his best friend and yes I agree with you wouldn't want to be their enemy.

LindaLa Mon 07-Jan-19 07:23:54

I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run.

Get some legal advice.
Your wife has ended your marriage, regardless of her reasons, she has left. Stop getting emotional and deal with it.

Your daughter is 12? You are doing the right thing by letting her make her own mind up about meeting him.
Teach her that dignity and strength can happen in the worst of situations.

What's the saying on here, get your ducks in a row.
Sort your finances.

m0vinf0rward Mon 07-Jan-19 07:31:30

Has your daughter decided where she wants to live? This could have a bearing on the sale of the house and what split you get. Having gone through similar with my ExW I can only advise you to toughen up for the rollercoaster ahead. Best wishes.

ponyprincess Mon 07-Jan-19 07:38:09

She is not your best friend. Your main focus now is you and your daughter, not her. You are doing the right thing and stick to your belief in that.

Clutterbugsmum Mon 07-Jan-19 08:17:29

Of course she not your friend, she just trying to keep the status quo until SHE IS ready to leave.

Keep your focus on your and your DD and get all the advice you need to move forward.

Personally I would tell her to leave as she is the one having the affair so you and your DD can have a safe haven with the stress and tension that she is causing.

bluebell34567 Mon 07-Jan-19 08:26:52

i think she couldnt find what she was looking for in your marriage.
she maybe right saying you are his best friend because you were with her for a very long time.
she moved on quickly with him, i am not sure it will last long, he will go for a younger one.
be still amicable.

ElonMask Mon 07-Jan-19 09:25:07

The one thing I would say is we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock isn't a good sign. I know a couple of lightening divorces of people who said this. I think it's sometimes a sign that one of the people isn't getting their needs met.

WTAF kind of "advice" is this ? That the OP should have more arguments in any future relationships to keep his wife from ditching him for a charming stranger who meets her "needs" ??

OP this is entirely on her. A similar thing happened to my brother. Make no mistake if you were a woman the advice would be to get him out your house.

What I would advise is similar. You need to get away from this woman or her from you. Can you go for custody of your daughter ? If so I would tell her you want that or at least 50\50 and that she should move out, if she cannot afford to you sell the house so she has money to do so. I'm sorry but it's time to be hard nosed, do not let on that you would have her back or you miss her as she can use this to her advantage. flowers

I think she couldnt find what she was looking for in your marriage.

FFS. Would you say this to a woman who was bereft her husband had just left her for someone he met at a do and was shagging practically in front of the OPs face ? I think not, sorry you are having to read such responses OP.

Hauskat Mon 07-Jan-19 09:54:02

You must be in so much pain. It is untenable living in this situation. I agree she has to move out before the house is sold. You need and deserve the space to process this and adjust to what your new life is going to look like. It is cruel beyond measure to make you witness her affair. Your self esteem has taken a bashing and you need to create an environment that protects it. She can’t wait around until it is convienient for her to leave because it will destroy you living like this. On the other hand living without this might well help you see how poisonous she is for you and your future might really start to open up. Please don’t take her back. Please demand she finds somewhere else to live. No one should be treated like this and you need to see that it’s urgent for you to be away from this. The quicker you are the quicker you will heal. You deserve to share your future with someone who respects you and cherishs you.

ravenmum Mon 07-Jan-19 10:14:55

am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on
a) One person can't save a marriage, however hard you try
b) She's moved on, so you absolutely have to move on too - though that is much easier said than done, and will take a while

If the impossible happened and she came back, would you really want to live with someone who had treated you so coldly?

notangelinajolie Mon 07-Jan-19 10:16:15

I think you should ask her to leave. You have your daughter to think of and she still needs a stable family home - it is too soon to be talking about selling up. Why should your DD be uprooted from her home? And re her meeting the OM - she is old enough to decide for herself. Don't allow your wife to railroad her into doing something she is clearly not ready for - protect your daughter. She is your number one priority right now. Concentrate on her and leave all talk of house moves/divorce and OM out of the conversation for a little while at least. This is a big thing for both you and your DD and you need time to process it before doing anything

MrsTerryPratcett Mon 07-Jan-19 15:08:02

WTAF kind of "advice" is this ? That the OP should have more arguments in any future relationships to keep his wife from ditching him for a charming stranger who meets her "needs" ??

It's not advice. OP is feeling lost and confused because he can't understand why this happened. I wanted him to know that 'no arguments' isn't a sign of the happiest marriage. That it's common for marriages with no arguments to end really badly as well.

I think people aim to never argue, especially when they have children, and it's a dangerous relationship strategy. Conflict is inevitable in relationships. If there are never arguments that probably means one person is always backing down. That could be OP BTW.

The thing about boards like this is that OP is free to ignore me. He can listen to you if what helps is righteous anger.

ElonMask Mon 07-Jan-19 16:06:55

He can listen to you if what helps is righteous anger.

Nice.

I wanted him to know that 'no arguments' isn't a sign of the happiest marriage.

In your opinion.

That it's common for marriages with no arguments to end really badly as well.

"Common" you say ? Evidence ?

What is it you think you are doing ? Furnishing the OP with information had he been armed he would understand why his wife decided to leave him for some wealthy guy she met at a works do ? Hell, maybe he would even have seen it coming right ?

Gordon Bennett.

user1479305498 Mon 07-Jan-19 17:08:46

Not sure if you are financially stable oP but it sounds to me like she has had her head turned by a bit of a flash Harry with cash to spend and impress women quickly. I give it 3 months , these types often impress and discard, but if she is that easily lead away then she isn’t right for you.

Andyjakeydan Mon 07-Jan-19 19:01:15

I can’t throw her out as the house is 50/50 between us,i’ve shown as much love as i could to her through this situation trying to save our marriage,my family and friends think i’m mental and have been far too soft on her and made things easy...they might be right but there’s no hand book to consult to guide me on what i should or shouldn’t be doing,rightly or wrongly i’ve followed my heart and not my head

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