Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What does this mean?(16 Posts)
I really would appreciate someones opinion on this, havent spoken to any of my mates for fear of I told you sos so I thought Id seek the advice of strangers.
I have a DD of 16 months and me and her dad live apart due to monetary reasons, i.e. neither of us have any. So at the minute he lives with his parents in the SE and I live with my mum in the midlands. Both of us are saving like mad so we can buy a house in the next year and everything was going perfectly till a couple of months ago.
One Saturday morning about 2 months ago he called me (this isnt unusual, as you can imagine being so far apart we ring each other all the time). He sounded like he was on a train so I said, where are you? he replied Just going into town to meet Vicky. So I said Whos Vicky?. Vicky is a friend of his that he doesnt see regularly or that I have ever met. I was a bit stroppy on the phone but we didnt argue. As soon as I put the phone down I felt guilty and sent a text that said something like, - sorry for being a bit off, have a lovely day and say hi to Vicky for me - . That was that and I went on with my day.
About 5ish that night I sent him another text asking what time he would be home so that I could give him a call. About an hour later he text back saying it wouldnt be till late as it was a 3 hour train journey and hed speak to me tomorrow. Being a bit confused I text back and said - 3 hours to town? - Then I heard nothing.
I tried to call him about 7 (which is the time we always call each other) and his phone was turned off. Continued calling on and off all evening but still off. Next morning, phone still off. Im getting really worried by this point so ring his parents. His dad answers the phone and says - Sorry, hes not back yet. Said hed be back about 12. - At 12 I ring his parents again, speak to his dad who says - Sorry, he rang a minute ago hes not feeling well, he will be back at 6.
At 6 I ring again, spoke to his mum this time. All day Id managed to keep my anger out of my voice, but I think his mum knew I was pissed off. Told me his dad was picking him up from the station and that shed make sure he rang me as soon as he got it.
When he eventually called, we had a massive row. He had been to visit her in a town about 10 miles from where I live, so he had every intention of spending the night there. Claims he didnt tell me coz he knew how Id react!!!! Anyway, for right or wrong, I believed him that his intentions were honourable, but that he was just an idiot for not telling me what he was doing and we moved on.
Last week, i broke my mobile phone, so he bought an old one of his up for me to borrow. I plugged it in and realised that all his messages were still on there. Being me, I had qualms in reading them. God I wish I hadnt now. There were about 50 from an ex of his, lots from when they first met and most from before he met me. The one that really got me was the one that said - Hi hun, been thinking about you too. How are you? - followed by - No Im not up to much either, we will have to catch up some time xx. - You may think theyre innocent enough but they were sent whilst I was lying in hospital the day after giving birth!!!!
We all have keepsakes I know, but he hadnt kept any of the texts that I sent him. When I questioned him about it he says he cant remember sending them and that Im getting the wrong end of the stick coz i only read her replies.
I feel sick thinking about it. There were other texts from her too, sent late at night right up to the time when he got his new phone (about 5 months ago) and he always claimed that they ended badly and werent friends.
DO I really know this man? HAs he got another life that hes hiding from me coz we live apart? Opinions would be welcome. SOrry for the long post!
Sorry but he sounds so dishonest and unwilling to be open with you that it really seems as though this is one to consider walking away from before you are in too deep.
The thing he said about not telling you as he knoew your reaction would be negative is typical immature man not taking responsibility and trying to blame you. Very tosseresque and I'm very sorry to feel the need to say that to you.
If his intentions were honourable, and Vicky lives in a town only 10 miles away from you, why didn't he see her all day and then come and spend the night at yours?
Any why would he feel the need to lie to you about his relationship with his ex?
It just doesn't all seem to add up to me. I'm sorry
Perhaps things may change is you have a house together and settle down properly. But sadly I do think it sounds like he has 2 lives at the moment.
Thanks - I knew that really deep down. I guess we all just want it to work for the sake of our kids. Got some thinking to do now. Hes here tomorrow. Thanks again
I'm sorry if this sounds a bit condescending, but not knowing anything about you or your partner this sounds like teenager issues.
If he thought he was in a serious relationship with the mother of his child he would not have the need to hang on to old text messages or meet up with xp. Secondly sure enough he has a right to a social life, but a BIG RED BLINCKING LIGHT is the fact that he gave up an opportunity to see you when he spent the night with someone only 10 miles away (unless we don't and you don't know the whole story).
Really, I can only say that this does not sound like a serious enough relationship to him, if you can go without him or if he drastically clean up his act and make a plan to get you and your dd to live together I can't see how you can trust him to stick it out.
I'd be upset that he was going to be 10 miles from you and not see you, what that's all about?
As for the text, 'no I'm not up to much' I don't think there is much to incriminate him there. It's not like you were good in bed etc last night, it was just a chatty text. Timing not brilliant I agree.
It is difficult as texts are texts and that is all, if you had a declaration of love or something you would have grounds for war.
Obviously you being apart means he has more freedom than most people in a relationship and you do not know what each others movements are.
Agree with Spacepuppy also I'm afraid. You sound very mature though.
Hope talking to him goes okay and that you find a happy way forward. The end is not a single point and is not always 'the end' so stay strong and calm as you have already described yourself to be.
You didn't think it was odd that you are forced to live apart and he came within 10 miles of your town but never bothered to come and see you and dd?
There is an age difference (whod have guessed eh?) of 7 years, me being the older. I have no doubts in my mind that he loves me, though to be honest I do doubt his maturity and his intelligence. I think naivity plays a big part in this, hes not very experienced (well so i thought, but who knows now)
Yes I did think it was odd. Dont think for one minute that he got away with it scot free. I picked up on every single detail of his day. I was like the FBI, wanted to know who payed for lunch, what they ate, who bought the drinks, did she cook for him, what they watched on tv, where they sat in the pub etc
He probably plays on the fact that you think he is a bit naive I would think? Bear in mind he will have only told you the details he wanted you to know
you have been very brave telling us and i think you need to think about what YOU want to do dont do it for your baby as he will still be her dad no matter where he is or what your relationship is with him iyswim.
This is not enough to end a relationship over BBB but I think you have given him food for thought, and hopefully he will be a little wiser after the event!
Additionally have you asked him how would he like it if you spent the night with a male friend? Purely platonically of course.
yea, done all the possible what if id done that scenarios - I honestly think that he was just being an idiot rather than maliciously devious with regards to visiting Vicky. But Im notoriously forgiving.
Being forgiving is a good quality! Never forget that
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.