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Not sure if I can get over husbands 'sex only' affair

(20 Posts)
gloriat Wed 27-Jun-07 19:55:37

I've discovered recently that my husband has been having a 'sex only' affair with a woman for the last 2 years. He says they met about 6 times in hotels for sex only. He says he did it because our sex life was dead (and he's right there - we were only having sex to make a baby - the sex was rubbish). We've been together for a about 18 years (we were each others 1st loves) and our sex life has been going down hill for about 6 years or so. But we both buried our heads in the sand. He says he loves me and is sorry. He wants to stay together and for us to go to counselling. He says the other woman is also in a marriage with no sex and they met on the internet.I think that with enough help I might be able to get over the sex betrayal, but what I'm really struggling with is the emotional side (and the fact that he had sex with her whilst I was pregnant and texted her a picture of our baby a2 days after he was born). I just can't believe that he has no emotional connection with this woman. A 2 year sex and texting relationship must have evolved into some kind of emotional attachment. I'm really lost and don't know what to do. We have a 4 month old baby and I'm at my wits end.

Spandex Wed 27-Jun-07 20:03:49

You poor soul.

I'm not surprised you're at your wits end. You're fully entitled to go mental about this but wait. It's going to take a while to even evaluate what's gone properly as you've just had a baby.

You must be tremendously hurt. And the texting of the baby pic to the OW is very crass I think. It must make you feel like she had a window in on your life - and on one of the most important events in your life - without you knowing. Bit like a peeping tom.

Maybe he did have some emotional attachment but it would appear that he's wanting to cut all ties with this OW.

I just think you need time and a lot of time to work things out for yourself. It's an awful lot of pressure you're under at the moment. Don't make any big decisions.

Work out what it is that you want and what you think you are capable of i.e. forgiveness and working at your marriage with counselling etc. But keep talking to your DH too.

I hope things work out for you the way you want them.

KaySamuels Wed 27-Jun-07 20:05:04

How awful for you. I agree that I find it hard to believe they formed no emotional connection (but then i am seeing it from the pov of an emotional person). Sending him a picture of your baby suggests to me they at least speak about their problems (ie trying for baby) and celebrations (lovely pic of beautiful new baby).

If you can I would definately try counselling, and try to be as open as you can with him about how you are feeling. How did this come to light? Did he confess our did you discover the affair yourself? Two years is a long time.

gloriat Wed 27-Jun-07 20:11:03

I discovered some text messages on his phone from her and he couldn't explain them away as innocent as they were sexually charged. He met her for just lunch a few weeks ago and strangely that hurts more than the sex. He says the birth of our baby has changed him and he met her to end it but didn't know how as he's never ended a relationship.

gloriat Thu 28-Jun-07 09:55:13

Has anyone out there had a similar experience?

toomanydaves Thu 28-Jun-07 09:59:23

No but am bumping for you.

Hopeitwontbebig Thu 28-Jun-07 10:00:18

Oh gloriat, you poor poor thing. I'd be so upset. I agree with everything Spandex said. Have you contacted Relate? I do think it would be a good idea to get some counselling and it's a positive sign that he suggested it. These are such big issues you're going to work through here.

I really feel for you and wish you the VERY best.


Eight Thu 28-Jun-07 10:04:51

This is such a difficult time for you, gloriat. .

I haven't had a similar experience, but I wanted to comment re "He says the birth of our baby has changed him and he met her to end it but didn't know how as he's never ended a relationship".
That is a pathetic excuse, and it really would give me the incentive to make some demands of him, tbh.

Would you feel strong enough to make an ultimatim?
Either he commits fully to you and your child, attends counselling and looks to the future as a family. He severs all ties with this woman, and changes his phone number.
Or he leaves to be with this woman, whilst your child is young enough not to be too affected by his behaviour.

I wonder if this would make him realise that he cannot be a husband and father AND act like a love-sick teenager with another woman?

gloriat Thu 28-Jun-07 14:19:19

He says it's over with the OW now. In fact he phoned her and put it on speaker phone so I could hear. (I suppose that could have been stage managed but she sounded genuine enough). He's gone to couselling now for the 1st time and says he wants to find out why he did it. I have a lot to consider before I can decide if I want to make a go of it. The real question I have is, 'Can a cheating husband really change and be faithful in the future?' Does anyone have experience of this?

PregnantGrrrl Thu 28-Jun-07 18:33:58

i'm sorry i don't have personal experience of this, but from what you say, it sounds like your relationship had it's 'issues', and he is genuinely sorry and making an effort to make ammends and work out why he did it.

I feel sorry for you both TBH.

I DO think a cheating husband can change- especially when the circumstances were as you describe. I think you should both start talking, and keep talking.

Best of luck

BecauseImWorthIt Thu 28-Jun-07 18:39:26

I have no direct experience of this, but would say that it does seem that for men sex is a physical need whereas women often require more emotional attachment. If you did have a non-existent sex life then there is at least some kind of reason.

I'm not excusing him as I think it is still a betrayal of you and your relationship - but it is a clear sign to you both that this is a key area of your relationship that you must address.

Going to counselling is a very positive step forward, and it is something that you should both do.

I hope it works out for you.

alipiggie Thu 28-Jun-07 18:44:33

My honest opinion is that both of you have to really want it to work for the counselling to be effective. My h lied his way through the sessions and put all the blame at me when in reality he'd already decided to end our marriage for her. He said he'd stopped their 2yr relationship but in fact he never did and shipped me off home for 6wks to ease his guilt.

You do need to talk it out for sure. Ask yourself if you can ever trust him again. A relationship is built on trust not just sex. Sex is important but for all the right reasons, it's too easy imo to use it as an excuse for extra-marital flings. Remember he's the one that broke your trust. Why didn't he suggest counselling first before he slept with someone else? Sorry but I'm slightly bitter and having had a bad experience wouldn't want you to go through the same. Good luck to you both and I truly hope you make a go of it.

gloriat Thu 28-Jun-07 18:45:56

Thanks PregnantGrrrl. I'm trying to believe him when he says he's changed and regrets his actions. But 2 years is a long betrayal. He saw a counseller yesterday who told him that he has 'compartmentalised' me and the OW. I'm still looking that one up.

Purpleberry Thu 28-Jun-07 18:54:04

Men seem to see sex as a must and can have no emotional attahment - 'scuse the pun any hole will do! I really belive they can totally disassociate themselves and don't see it as a betrayal. My DH makes it clear that no sex would be a massive problem in our marriage, fortunatly it isn't a problem, but god help me if it ever was.

hurtwife Thu 28-Jun-07 19:08:25

What he has done is to completly seperate his feelings for you and the ow. Men are better at doing that, with all sorts of things.

Once they have said something it is like they can put it in a box in their head and not have to open it again as long as it is finished business.

It is only gerneralisations but i think men and women do see things very differently and whereas we think talk and ask opionions for our problems men will 'act' without using their brains!!

Good luck with it - remember he will have to live with this so why cant you too - if it is a relationship worth saving you can do it but you really need to want to together.

HollyGoHeavily Thu 28-Jun-07 19:19:26

I feel for you - what an awful situation

I know it is a bit of a cliche but i do think men can seperate love and sex more easily than women can. BUT, that is no excuse.

I think you have made a good steps forward already by going to counselling and your husband realising that he loves and values you and your baby and that his affair has to end.

Make sure that you talk/rage about this until your questions have been answered - bottling up emotions just prolongs the pain....

I hope you get through this together.

PregnantGrrrl Fri 29-Jun-07 14:51:00

Gloriat- how are you today?

You're right, 2 yrs is a long betrayal- but at the same time, they 'only' met 6 times during this. And you say things were not right with you 2 for years too, don't you?

It does sound like he 'compartmentalised' you both. She sounds like someone providing a 'service', rather than an emotional interest. Even though i would be very angry at the baby picture thing too, i had people interested in my DS (doctor, hairdresser, neighbours...) i don't have emotional feelings for any of them!

And before i forget- congratulations on your son Perhaps he heralds a new start (and new communication) for you all?

needtohideforawhile Fri 29-Jun-07 14:55:46

OMG Gloriat you could be me. sexually charged texts, no sex life - only we haven't talked about it (see my other thread in Relationships). How is it going for you? Please tell me there could be a light at the end of the tunnel?

gloriat Fri 29-Jun-07 18:50:14

Thanks for asking PregnantGrrrl. I'm having an almost good day today. My H is doing everything he can to try and keep us together and deep down I want it to work. I just don't know if I can get over this. But I'm going to give it a few months of counselling before I decide. I think until I know WHY he did it (when he says he loves me) I can't move on. How do I know he won't do it again? He says he's going to try and get an answer to the WHY in counselling.
Needtohideforawhile - What's your thread called? I couldn't find it.

ilikekittens Sat 30-Jun-07 04:41:34

oh darling my heart breaks for you. You definitely deserve better. I do not see a point for a marriage when someone is defiantly hurting another - especially sexually and emotionally. He has closed the door to being a "husband" and has turned you into his roommate. He sounds very selfish. One or two instances, I would think counseling may work, but for two years....? I think you deserve yourself a real man and a real marriage - with or without sex - a marriage has to be build on level ground with trust and open, honest communication. He is on the right path - only do what your heart tells you. But I think you deserve a king.

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