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First professional counelling session after husbands affair

(15 Posts)
Riss70 Wed 27-Jun-07 09:33:08

Well we just had our first session with the cousnellor and it seemed to go well.

initally the infidelity was not raised and later into the session H raised it (shock) and he called it an affair - I then questioned him as I beleived it was only a one night stand - he confirmed this (one nighter) he said he calls that an affair

we are going to keep going after a discussion togetehr on the way home - H said he did not want to but would for me (saying the right things)

I told him I did not know if I could get past it

One disturbing thing is that he said he sees the event as having been positive in that we are now getting along better and putting an effort into the relationship and seeing the counsellor to try and make it work.....not sure if I like this take on things what do other MN's think?

LilyLoo Wed 27-Jun-07 09:36:58

What i think he may mean is that he needed to talk about things before he cheated and didn't, and is now able to do so which he didn't feel able to before. Sadly for you this should have come before the indiscretion not afterwards.

Riss70 Wed 27-Jun-07 09:47:56

I said that things should have been sorted prior not after and he says that there has been a postive turn around in our relationship sicnce it came out (which there has) but if he associates infidelity with fixing things this concerns me

he says that the one night stand gave him the wake up call he needed to try an put some effort back into the relasionship - to snap him out of the rut he was in (not giving and feeling all entitled to all his spare time being with the boys (and obvisouly girls!!)

mylittlestar Wed 27-Jun-07 09:59:43

I think it's just his was of expressing things.

I bet if he could go back he would do things differently. But I guess he is saying that seeing as he can't change the past, the only positive he can find from it is that you are now having counselling, dealing with the issues and communicating better.

Fully agree he should have been a man and spoke up before it got to this. There is no excuse or reason for his behaviour. But I can see that if you are going to make this work you really do have to focus on the positives that will come out of it. Dwelling on the past will not help you both to have a happy future.

Sounds like you're on the right track anyway

LilyLoo Wed 27-Jun-07 09:59:44

Sadly Riss there mind works in strange ways. You need to tell him that despite giving him a wake up call which it may well have done, it had created a great deal of hurt, upset , anger and years of working to build up trust for him again. I'm afraid to say that cheating is never that black and white, despite how he percieves it. Has he asked you how you feel about it ?

Riss70 Wed 27-Jun-07 10:18:13

I think we are on the right track and I asked him how he thought I felt about it and in all honesty he was pretty right - at the time I felt nothing because of where the marriage was at or shock I am not sure which

however since things have started to improve and look better than they have in years I am begining to feel hurt angry and resentful about his actions - and yes he know this and is prepared to listen to me tell him how horrid and spinless he was (I don't do this always it is just every now and then - about 4-5 times since it came out 5-6 weeks ago now)

he appears to be regrettful and is doing all sorts of things he has not done in eyars without going overboard - he is wearing my off days graciously and trying to make me feel better by offering unconditional affection at those times.....I am not sure I guess it is going to take a long time

EffiePerine Wed 27-Jun-07 10:21:05

sounds like quite a male thing to do - view the situation as a problem to be fixed rather than thinking about how you are working through this emotionally. That he is willing to consider counselling is a good sign. Keep on with it and see where you are at the end of it. Good luck

mylittlestar Wed 27-Jun-07 10:26:44

Well best of luck.

There was a thread a while ago started by ernest - something like 'ernest et al, how to get over the affair' - and that had some great posts from people who have come through the other side and are stronger.

There was also my thread 'looks like it's over' and some posters spent a lot of time on there helping me deal with H's affair. If you get chance then have a look through. There was a few quite inspiring posts that really helped me xx

Riss70 Wed 27-Jun-07 10:31:21

Thanx MLS - I will have a look for them - hope youa re doing OK x

LoveAngel Wed 27-Jun-07 13:13:20

I think that first counselling session can leave people on a bit of a high, especially if they are feeling guilty over an affair or otherwise - its almost as if the 'guilty paty' feels immense relief that you are giving it a go and haven't booted him out, so he thinks 'Great! We're having counselling. Things are nearly back to normal again'.

Unfortunately, counselling is a long, hard (but worthwhile) slog, and both of you have got a lot of work to do yet, I would imagine. I can understand you feeling insulted / upset about his 'positive thing' remark, but he probably genuinely does feel this way and its a good thing that you are both honest about your feelings at this point.

Don't worry too much ... your counsellor isn't going to let him 'off the hook' that easily (!). I would imagine you will both be delving a lot more deeply into your relationship issues in the coming weeks, and he will have to examine his motives for cheating on you and confront how that has made you feel. He won't be able to brush things under the carpet if he genuinely wants to move forward in this relationship, and no amount of breezy statements about his affair being 'positive' will change that.

Riss70 Fri 29-Jun-07 12:54:21

So pleased to read your comment Loveangel as h did seem to relax a bit after the cousnelling session

I noted the change in him and didn't really like it - it was like he decided 'she is going to stay around' and he backed off on the work he was putting in

we have had a discussion since then and I informed him that one of the things I hope to gain from the counselling is to sort out IF I am willing and able to get past it not that the cousnelling is simply to get us past it...

it bothers me that he became lax in his efforts so quicky I am feeling ill as we are off to his mothers for 10 days (we need to go back there to renovate the bathroom so we can auction the house and as we have a tenant in our we are staying with her) I dread that the time will be spent out with the lads drinking when he is not working on the bathroom. I don't mind a couple of ales in the afternoon after work has finished on maybe one big night out but I can see this will be a string of them and that will leave me feelin as though he is not prpared to be as considerate as I need him to or make the changes our relationship needs to work........

Riss70 Fri 29-Jun-07 13:00:51

I dread this trip and I guess I have to tell him - I ahve told him that i am not looking forward to it and that if we did not ahve to do the bathroom I would not go....I am already thinking about coming home and leaving him there is he is an incredibly selfish git

Uetli Fri 29-Jun-07 13:27:55

Definitely first session euphoria from what you say, likely by the third or fourth oneyou'll be feeling like it's not going to work (because by then you'll have starting talking about the hard stuff and being reminded about exactly how much he's hurt you and what he did, also the role you played in doing things that might have led him to seek an affair) (in saying that, I don't mean at all you were to blame, he's the one that had a one night stand) but, if you get to 7 or 8 sessions, hopefully things will be looking up.

Wish you all the best and you sound like you want to be with him, but it will take a long long time to trust him again or ever forgive him and it will be horrible but can be stronger and better for it at the end.

Riss70 Fri 29-Jun-07 13:36:14

I hope so and will keep bouncing back to MN to blurb about it as there are so many lovely people here who have insight into things and can add another perspective or support what I may have dobuted

thanks you for you comment Uetli and the warnings about what is to come.....he really doesn't want to go but has said that he will do whatever I need to try and get through this.....I said I NEED THIS (counselling) and I need US to do it....

Riss70 Fri 29-Jun-07 13:39:22

Also I am fairly sure I recognise some of the things I did but I dont care what they were NOTHING in my mind makes a one night stand ok.....he was doing some pretty lousy and shitty stuff too but I did not resort to infidelity....I thought abouit it - a lot - but was not prepared to lower myself (in my mind) to being an unfaithful wife regardless of how unhappy I was

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