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Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

(448 Posts)
Minniemee Wed 26-Dec-18 22:25:03

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

LaughingCow99 Wed 26-Dec-18 22:30:10

You need to work on your self esteem. If you feel you need a man you are always at their mercy. This guy is a liar, and the deleting pics is more likely him cheating than not liking the way he looks. Stop burying your head in the sand.

You are sensible, financially ok. Stick with him and that may not continue. You know you deserve better than a lying, possibly cheating gambler

OrchidInTheSun Wed 26-Dec-18 22:32:34

You love a man who treats you like shit. You're worth ten of him. Kick him out. This will only get worse

Santaisonthesherry Wed 26-Dec-18 22:33:38

In direct response to your title.
Believe him.
He isn't interested in a future with you.

Singlenotsingle Wed 26-Dec-18 22:33:55

Firstly i hope the house is in your sole name because i don't think this relationship has got much of a future.
He lies to you
He's got debts
He gambles
He cheated on you
He doesn't want to get married
He doesn't want children
It looks as though he's being evasive and he's probably got an OW

Surely you can do better than that? Don't you deserve something better? You can't stick with a man just because you're scared of being on your own!

Beamur Wed 26-Dec-18 22:34:01

He's told you he doesn't want the same things as you. Don't expect that to change.
Ditch him. Move on. You're plenty young enough to meet someone else.

WisdomOfCrowds Wed 26-Dec-18 22:36:35

Jesus Christ woman!! Your boyfriend is a liar, a cheat, and looks set to gamble your hard earned money and assets into the ground if you stay with him. I'm sorry, its clear you love him, but one day you will be thanking the stars that you didn't marry and have kids with this utter waste of breath. Ditch him, today. Tell him to move out of your house, that you bought, because you are decent and responsible. He can enjoy being a child free bachelor on his mums basement. Then you can find yourself someone who doesn't cheat on you, lie to you, leech off you, and lead you on. And for gods sake pick your self esteem and relationship bar up off the floor. You're only 29, you have so much time left to have a baby, you do not need to be settling fir this crap. A sperm donor would be better than this guy!

Wolfiefan Wed 26-Dec-18 22:38:25

Yep. What they said.

Doobee Wed 26-Dec-18 22:39:04

You are too young to be hooked up with this man. He’s an addict and a liar. He’s using you, probably cheating on you, has cheated on you previously! What would it take for you to want to kick him out? This should surely be enough? Then to top it off he doesn’t want to commit? For goodness sakes do NOT marry this man. If you do, you are then legally responsible for his debts. You have no idea how much he’s got. He’s probably only telling you a fraction of the truth. You are literally ruining your life with this guy.

GrandmaJane Wed 26-Dec-18 22:39:53

They’re all right. All of them.
R-U-N!!!
Or, as it is your house, sack him and kick him out.

NotANotMan Wed 26-Dec-18 22:40:03

If you could write the worst boyfriend in the world it would sound a lot like yours. You may be lonely for a bit after you get rid but in the end you'll be much better off.

maximumcarnage Wed 26-Dec-18 22:40:16

Petrified of leaving him? Well now, what’s the reality going to be like staying with him? More debts. More gambling problems. More cheating. More neglect. Now unless your a masochist, which who knows, maybe you are? Yes I’d absolutely leave. What future do you have to look forward to?

Now don’t get me wrong, leaving someone is no easy thing. It’s misrrable, emotionally upsetting. It’s horrible. But typically when I’m not happy in a relationship and with no option of improving or changing it, I run a scenario in my head. Would I bet happy in this situation for the rest of my life? If not you have to leave.

So my question to you is this, are you happy to deal with all these issues for the rest of your life?

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 26-Dec-18 22:40:26

Get rid of him now before he has the chance to take your house, your savings and your earnings.

I hope to god that he isn't on the mortgage or tenant in common.

Happygolucky009 Wed 26-Dec-18 22:40:28

You need him to leave and work on being happy otherwise you will spend a lifetime being lonely in a relationship until he chooses to leave. Get a hobby, do things that make you happy, find some friends and stop wasting anymore time on this man.

Bananalanacake Wed 26-Dec-18 22:41:52

You can be in a relationship with a man and not live with them you know. Does he pay anything towards the bills and food.

PrincessScarlett Wed 26-Dec-18 22:42:28

Minnie, you need to get rid of this loser. He's treating you like shit and you deserve better. You took him back after he cheated and he should be worshipping the ground you walk on to try and make amends but he's not and the fact he's not rings massive alarm bells. Add the fact he's deleted all pictures of the two of you he's either cheating or at the very least giving the impression he's single.

Please get rid before he crushes your self esteem further and/or ruins your financial stability.

Branleuse Wed 26-Dec-18 22:47:23

This one is not a keeper. Tell him to move out.

Minniemee Wed 26-Dec-18 23:04:44

Thank you so much ladies. I know how meek and pathetic I sound but just when I think I get the strength I remember how much I love him and think maybe he will change. Writing it down makes me realise he isn't going tonight

He isn't on the mortgage to the house, I have a law degree so thankfully learnt something at uni which was even though we aren't married he could still possibly claim half the house so I got him to sign a cohabitation agreement stating he has no financial claim on the house!

Can't thank you enough for your words of encouragement, my self-esteem is genuinely at rock bottom at the moment and I just think I will end up lonely.

PrincessScarlett Wed 26-Dec-18 23:08:29

Your self esteem will soar when you get rid of him. Well done on being financially savvy. You may feel lonely initially but you will probably feel more relief that you are not wasting your life with this user.

Be brave Minnie.

sue51 Wed 26-Dec-18 23:16:57

You are an intelligent young woman of 29 who has a good job, own home and a cheating, financially incompetent boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to you. You are worth so much more than him. You deserve so much better. Get rid of the dead weight now.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny Wed 26-Dec-18 23:19:34

You are an intelligent young woman, you will find someone far better!

Rainbowqueeen Wed 26-Dec-18 23:23:14

You’re a catch! Get rid of the loser, focus on building your self esteem and you will find someone who truly deserves you.

This guy doesn’t deserve you. Yes it will be hard to start with but do it and don’t look back. In a years time your life will look so much better

schopenhauer Wed 26-Dec-18 23:25:32

Definitely kick him out. ASAP. New year new start. He sounds like a loser tbh, gambling and cheating and you’re having to buy him a house? You are clearly a capable woman if you are able to buy the house yourself, you should value yourself far more. If he doesn’t want to commit, fine, his loss, off he goes. Why did you stay with him when he cheated? Probably low self esteem, you will no doubt feel better when he is gone and you’re not being treated like you’re worthless (by him lying and cheating).

lboogy Wed 26-Dec-18 23:28:12

Leave him. You can do better and deep down you know you can. Well done for protecting your assets too.

HollowTalk Wed 26-Dec-18 23:33:08

Oh what a narrow escape! If you'd married him then in no time he'd have the right to half your home and he'd be getting credit cards in your name and gambling away your money. You are the luckiest person in the world.

If I were you I'd say, "OK, well in that case we're finished" and I'd have his bags ready for him. Then I'd look for a couple of lodgers to keep you company and help pay the bills and I wouldn't look for someone new until I'd done the Freedom Programme online.

Enjoy the rest of your life without this knobhead.

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