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So - I am biting my tongue to try and stop myself announcing that I want to split up with dh !

(49 Posts)
LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 20:29:29

Well - sorry I have namechanged for this as I think dh might be reading my posts ! I am an old and regular mner though !

well - here I am - married almost 14 yrs, been with him since university (almost 20 yrs) - 1 dd almost 7 , and I am biting my tongue not to just come out and say I want out !

What's wrong ? Well - there's the sex - and now there is the not really LIKING him very much as well ! He's just been away for 2 weeks with work and d'you know what - I loved it - didn't miss him for one second and I really resent the fact that he's back !

The sex - well - he has never really had a very high sex drive - we were each others first and only (to my knowledge anyway) - and even when trying to conceive he turned me down loads of times as he was tired or stressed. I think I am storing up a load of resentment from back then. Once I was pg he basically didn't come near me again until last Xmas (dd was 6) when he engineered a weekend away without dd and said he wanted to do it. He did the same a few months later - so we have had sex twice in the last 7 yrs !

I used to want to do it a lot more - but he has pretty much killed off my interest - although I did get a Rabbit a few years back and only then discovered what all the fuss about sex was !

Anyway - he is really arsey and stroppy at the moment - always shouting at dd and contradicting my parenting ! He is of the sergeant major school - whereas I am desperately trying to work out what makes my lovely sensitive little girl tick !

Well - that's it really - we are moving house soon and I have been on the verge of calling the whole thing off - but we have exchanged now - so are committed.

Just don't know what to do !

mumto3girls Mon 25-Jun-07 20:33:50

Print this off and leave it where he can read it?

Frizbe Mon 25-Jun-07 20:35:12

good plan mum23!

MrsFish Mon 25-Jun-07 20:36:44

Sorry if this sounds blunt... but you have to think of your happiness too, if that is without your husband so be it.

admylin Mon 25-Jun-07 20:37:58

Does he feel it's normal to have sex twice in 7 years? Maybe he's having problems with that and that's what is making him stroppy?

ChristyC Mon 25-Jun-07 21:01:13

Maybe he does have a problem with sex and is too embarassed to voice it, although he should really be able to talk to you about it, if anyone. I think the problem comes when communications break down to the point that you find one another irritating, every little thing each other does is a pain in the butt. I understand your feeling of enjoying yourself with him not around, but being apart permanently is a whole different thing. You should have your needs tended too, its so important for a healthy marriage (what the heck do I know, I'm in the process of splitting up!!) so I would recommend talk, talk and more talk until you both get to the bottom of it.

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 21:18:30

He doesn't do talking - not about personal stuff or feelings. I've tried in the past.

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 21:21:15

Message withdrawn

Yurtgirl Mon 25-Jun-07 21:22:38

LL - My dh spent months thinking about ditching me (without my knowledge) and then finally did. I was devastated at the time but now a year on I can honestly say life is pretty good.
Its definitley better to be a lone parent than a really miserable married one

I hope you work out what to do for the best

hellobello Mon 25-Jun-07 21:27:18

I expect the house move is bringing up a lot of feelings about everything. It seems to be a bit of a catalyst. I expect you've thought about Relate or similar? Even if you can go on your own it may be helpful.

We're moving out of our house and bickering like hell. It's not at all nice. It's so easy to be really angry with someone about small things and the big things too. Not having a sex life is a big thing. Once you get out of the swing of it it takes effort to start again.

I think you may find it helpful to vent your anger and frustration to a 3rd party - the least it can do is to help you find the words to be rational in a very difficult situation. It is wretched feeling as though you are in a loveless situation and not getting what you need. ((((Hugs))))

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 21:32:46

Hmmmm - I've stayed so long because I felt dd needs a daddy, and basically he is a nice bloke - but just not very nice at the moment due I imagine to stress (his job is v stressful). He has been a big disapointment as a father really - I never imagined hima s a shouty disciplinarian, but I guess it's what his dad was like.

I'm not interseted in finding another man I don't think - so I dont know.

It soudms awful but I have been kind of hoping he might leave me - so that I didn't have to be the one who did it - iyswim !

The money worries me - I have dd in private school, which I pay for - I work f/t - but I couldn't afford mortgage and school. Just don't know. It's easier to stay isn't it. He's not mean or violent - just opinionated and not the man I thought he was a long time ago.

The sex I can live without - well I've had to for so long - but what bothers me now is that he is asking for it - and I don't want it now because I don't even like him anymore. I cringe when he puts his arms round me - it's just - well yuck !

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 21:54:22

Yes it could just be me feeling worse coz of the move. I think I am a bit depressed - but don't want to go back on ADs really - certainly very stressed and low.

It's been brewing for years and years - I almost left him when we were ttc as he put so little efort in - then I was pg so I focussed on that for ages.

In many ways I was glad he left me alone (sexually) as it meant I didn't ahve to think about it. When we had sex the twice this year I really felt like it was all for him - he has no clue about what I want or need - doesn't appear interested. He asked me to do it last night and I said I was tired and in a bad mood.

Really I don't feel like I will ever wnat to do it with him again.

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 21:55:33

Message withdrawn

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 21:56:52

Me yes - but I know he won't go - he won't talk to anyone about feelings - he thinks its private. No point asking him really - I think it would help me - does it ahve to be relate ? Can you go private ?

gibal Mon 25-Jun-07 21:57:14

perhaps its the newer commitment of the move.. making you doubt your marriage??

gibal Mon 25-Jun-07 21:57:58

don't rush into splitting up.. see how the new house makes a difference.. perhaps?

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 21:59:26

Message withdrawn

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 22:02:24

I might make an app't with the GP - maybe counselling would help me more widely actually. Do you have to wait ages ?

The trouble is that I believe once it's "out there" we will split up - so until I am 100% certain I don't want to say anything .

Wotznotreallyhere Mon 25-Jun-07 22:05:28

Good for you being brave and facing the truth about your realationship. I really hope it works out the best for you.

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 22:07:40

No I'm not feeling brave - I'll probabblly leave it again - get the move over, then get the holidays over. Not sure I know what happy is anymore - can't remember when I last laughed .

ChipButty Mon 25-Jun-07 22:08:01

There's more to life than being able to send your daughter to private school. You would be staying for the wrong reasons. How you can even contemplate staying with a man you can't bear to touch you is beyond me...

ChipButty Mon 25-Jun-07 22:09:26

Lucy - life's too short. You have to talk to each other before it's too late. You cannot live with this and nor should he have to.

LucyLamb Mon 25-Jun-07 22:10:09

That's easy to say ChipButty - but 20 yrs is a very long time - all my adult life.

Wotznotreallyhere Mon 25-Jun-07 22:12:02

Lucy you forget what happy is and settle for less, please look ahead to what could be and not back at what was.

gibal Mon 25-Jun-07 22:12:16

find some happiness elsewhere.. easier to say..not with another man but in your life..but b happy in your life. i
am wanting to do the same!

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