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Just bad family stuff I want to get off my chest, feeling all tense and aggressive!

(33 Posts)
Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 16:12:42

Long story, but I no longer have good relations with my mum. I do speak to her on the phone and have kept things civil at my end, but she insists on telling everyone that I am abusive and she is scared of phoning me.

Anyway, my youngest brother lives at home with her. He has severe learning difficulties. Me and him have always been very close and when I lived on my own I would care for him for long weekends and take him out etc, he really enjoyed it. But when I started dating dh mum put a stop to it by complaining that I didn't care for him well enough, I got him drunk (no I didn't) and that my brother didn't like dh.

Anyway, now that relations are tense it is even more difficult to see him. I have tried a couple of times but she's cancelled saying he was unwell or whatever.

Just got an email from my eldest brother accusing me of not caring for him and saying that I should make amends with my mum, life is too short etc. He blames me for everything because of course, he listens to the poison she spouts about me.

Now I'm trying to call her to try and arrange to have my bro over this coming weekend. I'm ready for more excuses but I'm also fed up and angry of being painted in this bad light. However if I say anything to her I know from past experience that it will only make things very very bad for me and I risk not being able to see my bro.

So help me keep my cool!

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 16:13:38

My eldest brother said I didn't care for my youngest by the way, and that my youngest bro knew when he was not wanted.

You can see why I am so angry.

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 16:14:11

Message withdrawn

maisemor Mon 25-Jun-07 16:17:46

You seem to be caught in middle. You'll be damned if you do and you'll be damned if you don't.

So sorry for you. I wish I could give some advice, all I have is a hug to hopefully make you feel better and calmer.

elfsmum Mon 25-Jun-07 16:19:16

Hi Rhubarb

just remember you can't control this situation but you can control how you deal with it.

if it helps imagine your mum in some stupid imagae (my dad used to be a gnome jumping up and down throwing a tantrum) to try and deflect how angry she may be making you feel. She is behaving like a petualant child (and sounds a bit jealous of you and dh) so try and treat her with the patience you would a child. (and I know you shouldn't have to)

and as for your elder brother - when he says you don't care etc, ask him how he knows, if he says "you never call" ask when the last time was you did - he won't have the answers but you will, make him question what he's being told without slagging off your mum.

hope that helps

elfsmum xx

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 16:24:10

Thanks both of you.

It's all very sad. She never asks about the children, yet professes to love them and be heartbroken that she can't see them. dd sent her a thank you note at Christmas and we never heard from them. We even arranged that she could visit them over Christmas at dh's parents, but instead of spending time with the kids, she spent it telling dh's mum how much good work she does in the community and all about her foster kids.

If she really did want to see them I'd oblige, but she hasn't asked.

I have tried to see my bro a number of times, the last time I was able to have him was October.

I've found a direct coach from Manchester to here that they could put him on, so I'm going to suggest they do this on Fri and I have him till Mon, but she'll find a way out of it. I don't really want her to drop him off as she doesn't drive so her husband would have to come up, and he has already told everyone he hates me so you can understand why I wouldn't want this man in my house. I don't want them to see where I live, I feel safer them not knowing. But if it really came to it I would compromise, bearing in mind I always do.

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 16:26:44

Thanks too elfmum.

Eldest brother is another enigma. I have offered to take care of his 2 large dogs for 2 weeks whilst he is on holiday and I have invited him up here for a meal or whenever. He took me up on the dog thing quick enough, but still slags me off.

When he left his dd and ran off with some young tart I stood by him. Mum disowned him, but me and my other sister kept in touch and supported him. Now that he's back in under mum's spell he doesn't want to know. Feels like a slap in the face.

I am doing everything to compromise and keep the doors open and they just don't give a shit.

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 16:28:57

Message withdrawn

Desiderata Mon 25-Jun-07 16:37:11

What a mess!

I think the main issue here is that you're dying to see your brother. Put the others aside, and focus (which I think you are) on your goal.

He will be on that coach on Friday. Do/say whatever it takes to get him on there. <Surely it represents a bit of a break for your mum?>

I've read some of your earlier posts about your family, and I haven't a clue what to suggest about them, but I'm full of admiration for your constant desire to keep holdings things together. It must be draining.

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 16:51:42

It is so bloody draining and upsetting!

But yes, I will do whatever to get him on that coach on Friday. Dh is on my side too. I can ignore them and keep my distance, but I'll do whatever it takes to see him.

I do grieve though, I had what I thought was a close relationship with my big brother, I looked up to him, now he seems full of anger and bitterness and it's all directed at me.

All I can do for him is to leave the door open.

Desiderata Mon 25-Jun-07 17:07:35

I hope you realize that many others would have slammed the door shut - you're a good 'un

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 17:21:16

But the price I'm paying is quite high.

To be honest, if it wasn't for my little bro, slamming that door would have been a hell of a lot easier!

Desiderata Mon 25-Jun-07 17:25:34

I have to go to work in a minute, Rhub.

Hope you make/have made the phone call.

I'll be back around midnight to read up some more.

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 17:39:11

I've called her, she said no straight away, said he'd panic on the coach, that he's too vulnerable to make the journey on his own, that he might get off at the wrong stop. Then I reminded her that he used to get the coach to see me in Preston and he was fine then. We used to tell the driver to keep an eye on him and not let him get off until he is at his stop. He also has a mobile and can have my number programmed in so that he can call me if he's worried.

She now says she'll think about it but me and dh think she'll just say no.

Again, she didn't ask about me or the kids. I got her email and emailed her the relevant page for the coach timetable and I even attached a photo of the kids.

But she's evil so I doubt I'll get a response.

paulaplumpbottom Mon 25-Jun-07 17:40:47

What an awful situation, I'm so sorry Rhubarb

ggglimpopo Mon 25-Jun-07 17:42:58

Could you go there and pick him up Rhubs? I remember you talking about this before? Did the sheltered housing thing come to nothing? Poor boy.

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 17:45:47

Hi ggg, no she pulled him out of the sheltered housing thing after only 2 weeks, months of planning went into that etc. Now she claims he has no social worker because she can't be bothered to find out.

The trouble with picking him up is that I have the kids. It's a 3hr car drive there and 3hrs back, too much for the kids really.

Dh is away this weekend, which is why I thought it ideal that I have him, as he likes to have me to himself.

You can't say I don't try. However my eldest brother will say that I don't care still.

Wisteria Mon 25-Jun-07 17:46:15

I think you are being incredible to keep trying in the face of adversity; it is a heartbreaking situation and I hope for everyone's sake that your Mum relents and allows the barriers down; even if just for a little while.

Don't despair, it sounds as though you are being mature and responsible; they on the other hand are behaving like infants so you can at least occupy the moral high ground and know you have support here.

<sending you big cyber hugs>

Mercy Mon 25-Jun-07 17:48:17

Can you contact him directly? via email or mobile?

Can he get himself to the coach station or does he need to be taken?

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 18:02:42

I can't contact him directly no, unfortunately. He does need someone to drive him to the coach station, but she can drive (although she doesn't), her husband can drive, my elder brother can, his wife and daughter and even my sane sister would take him I'm sure, so that isn't the issue.

She won't let him come.

ggglimpopo Mon 25-Jun-07 18:06:45

Could you ask someone else to bring him? If your older brother is so interested in his welfare, surely he could drive him halfway and meet you and you could pick him up? Am trying to think of solutions for you? Or could you ask to have him for a week or a fortnight or something in the summer to give him a "holiday" or could you put it to your mum "to give her a much needed break from all the devoted care she has had to put in"?

ggglimpopo Mon 25-Jun-07 18:06:46

Could you ask someone else to bring him? If your older brother is so interested in his welfare, surely he could drive him halfway and meet you and you could pick him up? Am trying to think of solutions for you? Or could you ask to have him for a week or a fortnight or something in the summer to give him a "holiday" or could you put it to your mum "to give her a much needed break from all the devoted care she has had to put in"?

warthog Mon 25-Jun-07 18:07:05

this is a nightmare. i can see your mum isn't going to let him come. she wants you to be the villain and her to be the saintly martyr. is there anyone else you can get to bring him? at least you could meet them half way?

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 18:07:16

Just checked with sane sister and she has offered to drive him to the coach station on Friday, thereby cutting off one of mum's excuses. Let's see what others she can pull out.

The usual one is saying that he's not well.

Rhubarb Mon 25-Jun-07 18:08:03

I'll suggest that as an alternative option if Plan A fails.

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